Life Always Has A Way...

Of testing how resilient we really are...

To say that 2018 kicked my behind would be an absolute understatement. I had rough years in the past, but this one completely takes the damn cake.

Financially, physically, and mentally, 2018 tried to leave me in a puddle of who I once was.

However, as close to breaking me as each test was, I never broke. My resolve might have weakened and my knees might have buckled a bit, but I never broke. I never gave it. Honestly, I couldn't even if I wanted to and believe me, there were so many times when I wanted to.

Why couldn't I? Because I am a wife and  mother. A daughter, a sister, and an aunt. There were people that needed me mentally, physically, and emotionally present. Most importantly, I needed myself to be mentally, physically, and emotionally present.

But certain prescribed medications are not good for your mental stability and I learned that the hard way.

As a result, there were times when, out of no where, I hated life and didn't want to live anymore. I found myself hanging on to sanity by a thread and clinging to my husband for dear life. He kept me grounded. He was the clearest image through the haze.

Oh, and I wrote. I wrote my darkest poetry during the moments when I was barely hanging on mentally. I wrote to purge myself and free my soul. And it was only then that I truly realized how much my readers pay attention to my work. I say that because a couple of them reached out to me with concerns and I don't think they truly know how much I appreciate them for that act of kindness.

I went through career changes as well. I worked at four different jobs for like a week in a four month window and I walked away from each one because I found something I didn't like about them. I also walked away from a career that I had made for myself in 2010, one that only truly took off in 2015. I loved proofreading/editing and I enjoyed it like one wouldn't believe, but it just wasn't something that I wanted to do anymore. I walked way from being an author as well, but the enthusiasm from my co-workers at my current job made me change my mind about that.

There were other negative things that occurred in 2018 that I could list, but I won't because I don't want to sound whiny or "woe is me" like.

Understand, there were highs throughout the year, but those highs were few and far between after April.

What I can tell you is that 2018 taught me a lot about myself. It taught me a lot about those around me and a lot about the people that I came in contact with. It literally showed me that everyone you meet really is fighting a battle of sorts within their own life.

2018 also taught me that the more I buck against change, the harder it will be for me to adjust to it becuse it's going to happen whether I like it or not. It taught me that nothing in life is permenant, not even a phone number you've had for 10 years. It taught me that early detection (and maintaining a certain weight) are key factors in living a long and healthy life. It taught me that jobs come and go, but when you are an entreprenuer and passionate about what you do, that can turn into a career that can last a lifetime.

At the end of the day, 2018 taught me that I am stronger than I think, more resilient than I realize, and more inspirational than I could ever imagine.

I am not sad in the least that 2018 ends today and that a new year begins tomorrow. I am completely over 2018 and all the negtive that came with it. Will 2019 be better? I don't know, but what I do know is that I am strong enough to handle whatever curve balls it decides to throw at me.

Happy New Year...

Just Remember...

To take a deep breath...

That's what Jacob, the SWAT Nurse, said to me as he poked me in the arm with a needle.

I don't think he realized how profound his words were to me. So much so, that I blurted something totally random out because I couldn't get my thoughts together fast enough.

Forgetting to take a deep breath... That's how 2018 has been for me, at least the last half of it anyway. I found myself constantly holding my breath as I waited for the other shoe to drop. Waited for another disaster to hit. Waited for more humbling moments to knock me to my knees.

Never once did I take a deep breath and never once did I simply just relax.

And I probably should've, but I couldn't. I mean, how can you when you feel like you're living out "A Series Of Unfortunate Events"?

Anyway, in that brief moment after the needle penetrated my skin and Jacob gave me profound advice, it occured to me, like really occurred to me, that all I had to do was take a deep breath. Whatever was to come, would come, but instead of holding my breath and waiting for the impact of the storm, I needed to just take a deep breath and wait patiently for the storm to pass...

In Life, There Are Moments When...

Time simply runs out on a thing...

In a complete backward ass move, I announced that my newest poetry book would be my final poetry book before I posted a blog as to why. So, for my loyal fans and followers, I apologize for that; I should've prepared you for what was to come.

Today, someone asked me if I planned on retiring and I replied with, "I really want to and I feel like I should, but no." I believe that garnered more questions among those that read the comment than I anticipated. Hell, telling that I will no longer be publishing any more poetry books garnered more of a reaction than I imagined it would. And honestly, I'm still trying to figure out why that is.

It's not as if my poetry books are best sellers or anything. Hell, it's not like they really sell all that much either to be honest, but that's not why I am no longer publishing anymore poetry books. I didn't publish them for attention, or wealth, or fame; I published them so that I could prove to myself that I could achieve whatever I put my mind to. I published them so someone out there reading them knew that they were not alone in a feeling that they may have related to in one of my poems.

The reason I am no longer publishing anymore poetry books is because that level of exposure is so draining for me. That level of "will they?" builds to be something so large in my mind that it can be overwhelming at times. (Will they buy it? Will they like it? Will they judge me? What will they think?)

I've said it in the past and I will say it again for those that don't know, my writing leaves me utterly exposed. Completely nude without ever taking off a stitch of clothing. Anytime I write something, I am left feeling dangerously raw and overly sensitive to the world around me.

Why do I feel like I should retire? For that very reason. However, I won't because writing about how I feel is all I know. I have been doing so in journals my entire life and I have been doing so in poem form since I was thirteen, so I know of no other way to express how I feel. I might take a break though; a couple of months, maybe a year or two. Oh, hell, who am I kidding.?! The minute something effects me emotionally, I'll probably end up writing about it (I just no longer intend to share what I write). The thought is nice, I suppose.

The one thing I plan on actively implementing is my involvement on social media, at least as an author/poet. With my accounts, I will be taking a break; I'm just not sure how long of one though. I also plan on stepping away from being an editor, finishing up the few books I was asked to review so that I can be done with that, and once the last of my business cards are gone, they're gone.

I've had a good run and I've enjoyed every minute of it, but that is not where my path is taking me anymore and I have to now prepare myself for the direction that I am meant to go in. Unfortunately, the life that I only ever dreamed of living my entire life is no longer it.

(Sigh)

Oh, how I hate change....

30 Days of Blogging: Day 30

Day 30: What is the driving force in my life?

The driving force in my life is my family.

I work hard because I never want to let them down. I keep from stepping off of the ledge because I never want them to have to live without me. I stay focused because I never want to steer them wrong. I accomplish any goal that I set my mind to because I want to continue to inspire them. I try to be strong because I never want them to think of me as weak.

Everyone's driving force is different, but for a very long time, they have been the driving force behind a lot of the things that I do in my life. Honestly, I am glad to have them as a driving force for me because I find that I challenge myself because of them. I find that I am becoming a better person because of them. I am finding out a lot of stuff about myself because of them and I am truly grateful for it.

By becoming a better person because of them, I am becoming a better person for myself and sometimes, that's all that really matters at the end of this life.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 29

Day 29: Who is someone that I admire?

The person that I admire is my mom.

Anyone that has had the pleasure of meeting my mother can understand why she is someone that I would admire. She a strong, kind, caring, nurturing, and giving individual just to name some of her qualities. She is also beautiful inside and out.

Granted, she can be crass and very blunt, those qualities only add to why she is admirable to me. She makes sure that anyone that knows her, knows exactly where they stand with her. Because she is so straightforward, you can always expect to be told the truth when talking to her.

She loves unconditionally and never judges a person off of something a that she heard about them; she also allows people second chances even when the world knows that they don't deserve them.

Growing up, I wanted to be like her because that was the kind of role model she was to me. If there was ever a person that a child should want to grow up to be like, she should be that person.

I literally could go on and on about my mom and how much I admire her, but I won't; she's just an amazing individual to know.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 28

Day 28: Name one talent I wish I had and why?

The one talent that I wish I had is the ability to draw.

I find visual art to be so intriguing. So expressive. It speaks words without saying anything at all. To be able to see something in your mind then draw it on whatever you are drawing on and it come out exactly as you visualized it, is beyond amazing to me.

In recent years, I find myself looking up artists on Instagram. I never realized before recently how many talented artists there are out there in the world. Ones that seemingly go unnoticed, if you will. I, myself, personally know three extremely talented artists and I feel like the world needs to experience their art they way that I have had the pleasure of experiencing it. I say experience because looking at true are isn't simply something that you do, it is something that you experience. It causes the mind to think while the eyes are hypnotized in the moment.

It's hard to put into words for me, but I get the same feeling with looking at art that I get when reading a well written poem. It's just feels so good, and yet, that overwhelming for me.

Anyway, if you are someone that is into art, be sure to check out my artistic friends: TJSGrimm, Larry Wade, Nate Masternak!

30 Days of Blogging: Day 27

Day 27: What is my guilty pleasure?

Soooo, this may come off as weird or even shocking, but my guilty pleasure is reading erotica. It could be an erotic poem or an erotic novel, but either way, it gives me great pleasure to read them.

There was a period in my life, that lasted for months, where I read nothing but erotic novels. If it didn't have sex laced within the story, I wouldn't read it. I don't even know how I found the books that I did, but I did. Understand, they weren't just dirty books, they had really good story lines; they just happened to have a lot of sex within the story.

The past year, I've been so focused on other that I haven't had the urge, or desire, to read an erotic novel. I did go to an erotic poetry ready once some months back and almost had to change my clothes afterward because it was just that hot! Decided then that I probably wasn't ready to attend another one of those for awhile, lol.

I am ready for my mind to finally be clear of the issues that have plagued it because if I recall accurately, there are a few books waiting for my attention. 😉

20 Days of Blogging: Day 26

Day 26: What are some things that I would like to say "yes" to but I don't?

Doing things for myself more often. As a wife and parent, I usually skip on the things for myself to make sure that my husband and kids are taken care of. And even when I do decide to do things for myself, for some reason, I feel like I'm being selfish. I am grateful that my husband and kids always insist that I do something for myself or they will try to do things for me, so there is that. But if it's left up to me to do something for myself, it generally takes a lot of mental back and forth before I do.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 25

Day 25: What is something that I would like to say "no" to but I don't?

It would have to be doing stuff for other people. My adult life has consisted of me always doing for others. Making sure everyone else was okay before I looked out for myself. It gets stressful sometimes because I feel like people take advantage of the fact that I don't say no. And even when I realize that I am getting taken advantage of, it takes me forever to put my foot down! I don't get it. Maybe, I will make "no" my new favorite word for 2019... 

30 Days of Blogging: Day 24

Day 24: What is something I regret?

Hehe. I seriously didn't believe in having regrets until a couple of years ago, but to  answer the question, I regret a certain friendship.

Without getting into too much detail, because it will instantly piss me off all over again, I had a friend that I considered a best friend. She had some secrets that she was keeping from her husband and she would confide in me about them. Because I have an insanely sick loyalty to people, when her husband confronted me about some of things that she was doing, I wouldn't say anything. At all. As much as it pained me to "lie" to him, at the end of the day, my loyalty was to his wife. Plus, I felt like that was their marriage and I had no business involved in it.

Even in the end, when I found out how she talked about me behind my back, I still didn't say anything to her husband. Trust me, I truly wanted to. Especially, when I found out that he had lost all respect for me because he felt like I was lying (which is no surprise because I completely suck at lying, so I try not to). So much so that he "banned" me from coming back to his house. It hurt, believe me, it did. Rightfully so, because I adored their kids and at times, I found myself missing the friendship. Hell, honestly, he was more of a friend to me than she ever was.

I guess it makes sense though, that I would be the one put at a distance. I mean, that's what people always do when they're in a miserable situation and refuse to leave the person that is making them miserable; they cut off ties to those on the outside. Find a way to blame others so that they don't have to lay blame where it rightfully belongs.

I used to be mad about that stuff, but I'm not anymore. I'm learning that misery loves company and if I am the one getting cut off then I need to take that as a blessing because at least I'm not the one having to be stuck in the miserable situation.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 23

Day 23: What is something about my career that I would change?

Honestly, there are a couple of things that I would like to change.

First, I would like to change the hostility that some of the authors exhibit toward anyone that doesn't think that their book was well written. I have seen multiple times where a reader, or fellow author, voices their opinion of an author's book and the author goes to their social media platform to insult or shame the individual. I feel like that is a negative look for all authors and it makes people hesitant when leaving a review or discussing the book anywhere.

Second, I would like to change the tone in which the readers leave reviews. I have seen where many readers leave scathing reviews about an author's book, but the review doesn't have anything to do with the story itself! Of course, there are times when the review has everything to do with the book, but it's still a nasty and mean review. A lot of people don't realize what it takes for an author to share their work with others and the mental roller coaster that nasty reviews like that can do an author. Some authors refuse to ever write again.

Third, and last for now, I would like to see more camaraderie among authors. Especially, the authors within different genres. It sometimes seems as though authors can be kinda cliquish, giving off a high school kind of vibe; turning their nose up at anyone that isn't writing in their genre. It doesn't help that there are some that are envious of others and go to embarrassing extremes to bring someone down. Most act like there aren't millions of readers out there and that makes for some ugly behaviors within the literary community.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 22

Day 22: Something I am proud of?

Hmm, what is something that I am proud of? I have many things that I am proud of, but I suppose the thing that makes me beam hardest is the fact that I am an author.

For those that don't know me or have just gotten to my blog, I am an author. I have been a published author since I was twenty-two years old. I knew early on that I wanted to be an author. There were days in high school that I dreamed of the day when I held a book in my hands and it had my name on it as the author. Times when I told my peers that I would grow up and write books. Moments where I imagined my notebook instantly turning into printed works of art.

I love the fact that I am an author and if it wasn't tacky or if it didn't come off as bragging, I would talk about it all of the time. Honestly, it is an accomplishment that I am beyond proud of and nothing will ever change that. No matter the amount of books I sell, fans I acquire, or how well I get known, just knowing that I became something that I set my mind out to become as a youth will always be something that instantly makes me smile.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 21

Day 21: What would I do if money was no object?

There are a lot of things that I would do if money was no object, but I am not going to list them all. I will only list one.

I would travel more. I would take my family to different places to see different things.I would make sure we got to experience firsthand different cultures and different ways of life, because by doing so, I feel that it allows us to understand people much better.

Growing up as a military brat, and traveling as an adult, you find that there is no better understanding of others than when you expose yourself to different things. Having experiences that take you out of your comfort zone and into someone else's allows you the ability to see things from someone else's point of view and I feel that that is needed now more than ever before.

So many people look down on others for being different, but they haven't tried to live "a day in the life". Sometimes, if you can't live "a day in the life", you can at least start out by being at ground zero.

I can't explain it, but being able to travel opens up a person's mind in ways just sitting at home and watching doesn't.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 20

Day 20: What holds me back?

Shamefully, I admit that I am what holds me back.

My relationship with change plays a key factor in me holding myself back. I have allowed my fear of the unknown and my constant overthinking to keep me from being the person that I know I can be. The wide, the mother, the friend. It also holds me back from being as successful as I could be in my career.

My life consists of constant growth and and growth means change. With that constant growth comes me learning new and/or different ways to get out of my own mind. Ways to embrace change. Different ways to break free of habits that are holding me back.

I can say with complete certainty that the times when I have stepped out of who I am used to being and into who I should be, I have found nothing but success. However, that success is mentally overwhelming for me and out of habit, I revert back to my old self. Change and I have never gotten along and I see that in order for me to stop holding myself back, I have to change. The time has been long overdue for me to lose that old habit of getting overwhelmed and make new the habit of getting comfortable with the changes that come with, well, change.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 19

Day 19: How do I see the world?

Right now, today, I see the world is struggling and I can say that it's not a hard thing to do.

I get that there are so many positives in the world, but it's the human dynamics that make it so negative. There is so much going on worldwide that I find it almost incredible that the world hasn't imploded on itself as a result.

Humans have done more negative than positive in the world and to the world. They have let money and power go to their heads. Certain things that are going on in one country are actually going on in other countries and that makes for it to be a worldwide issue. Issues that a lot of people find it easy to ignore because it does not effect them.

I would like nothing more than to see each individual, worldwide, working as part of a team to make the world a better place but that is not going to happen. It is only when there is no world left that people are then going to want to band together to save it.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 18

Day 18: What is something that I find myself thinking "What If" about?

Well, there are many "what ifs" that I find myself thinking about at random times but there is one that stands out the most. One that almost almost seems repetitive for those that know me or have heard me mention my father. I often find myself wondering "what if" my father and I had a close relationship.

I can't help but find myself wondering how things would be different if he had stayed completely active in my life. If he had continued to build on the father/daughter dynamic that he had started to build the moment I was born. Would my attitude toward people be different? My life be different?

I have trust issues and I have since my parents separated. They magnified as time passed and my father's behavior toward us seemed nothing short of a slap in the face. I don't trust very easy and I am very skeptical of anything that comes out of a person's mouth. If he and I had a close relationship, would those trust issues have even been a thing?

There are a lot of other things that I wonder about when I begin wondering what life would've been like if my father and I were close. but I dare not continue to list them. I'm trying to get over a pain that should've been gotten over a long time ago. Bury a thought that should've been put to rest the moment the writings on the wall were made very clear to me. But I guess some things are harder to let go than others. I don't know. What I do know is that as time passes, this "what if" will always be something that sticks in the back of my mind.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 17

Day 17: What lesson did I learn the hard way?

Ah, yes, what lesson did I learn the hard way? I know! The lesson I learned the hard way was that because a person is blood related to you, that does not make you family.

Some years ago, the familial dynamics on my mother's side of the family crumbled like one wouldn't believe. All of the people that I looked up to and respected chose sides when sides shouldn't have been chosen. In a situation where third parties should have stayed neutral, they didn't and I realized then that just because our genetics made us family, that didn't mean we actually were. Sure as hell made me realize that I wasn't as important to them as they were to me.

I cut off quite a few people either by text, unfriending them on Facebook, or verbally telling them so; the cut off that year was strong. For awhile during, and even after, that period of time, I felt bad. I felt bad because I missed the dynamics of those relationships. I felt bad because those relationships were no more. I felt bad because if those relationships were to mend, they would never be the same. But I did what I had to do.

Life teaches of us many things and I honestly never thought that the lesson that I would have to learn would be one where it caused me to question my loyalty to the people closest to me.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 16

Day 16: What three lessons do I want my children to learn from me?

While there are multiple lessons that I want my children to learn from me, this post only requires that I list three. Hmm... I guess I will try to narrow them down to my top three lessons.

Lesson One: I want my children to learn from me that it is okay to make mistakes in life.That people make mistakes. That we are not perfect individuals and we never will be. I want them to understand that in order for them to move forward in their growth process, they must forgive themselves, as well as others, for their mistakes.

Lesson Two: This should have been lesson one, but it is still a lesson all the same. I want my children to learn from me that it is important to take accountability for their actions. If they begin that process early on in their lives, they will find that once they are older, they will be completely content with every decision that they have made to get them to where they are. Accountability is an important process and waiting until you are an adult to face that is an extremely emotional and humbling experience; avoid that pitfall by starting early.

Lesson Three: I want my children to learn from that no matter what anyone says, you always have a choice in life. Choices that you are able to make for yourself. Sometimes, the choices laid before you can be hard ones, ones that you would rather not have to make at all, but they are choices all the same. No matter the choice you make on the path that is your life, make that choice with confidence. Be prepared for the outcome of that choice but know that it was a choice that you made yourself.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 15

Day 15: What is something that I struggle with?

There are a couple of things that I struggle with, but I find myself struggling with being a parent the most. I am not a perfect person and I am still learning about who I am as an individual, so that makes parenting seem even more complicated to me. 

It's like, when my kids were little, parenting was fairly easy. I mean, telling them no was always an issue because it could blow up in your face either way it went, but no matter what, they still loved you. You knew that they still loved you because their little hugs and kisses told you so. Their sweet little voices coo'd it to you in your ear. But my kids aren't little anymore, haven't been little for while. I have a 13 year old daughter and an 11 year old son and I find that I am their mortal enemy more often than not.

For me, it's easy to cut people off or walk away from them when they cause me unnecessary stress, but I can't do that to my children. I can't shut them out or cold shoulder them. Some days, I find it hard trying to protect my sanity from their mood swings. I can't help but to wonder how other parents before me have done it.

My children are little humans that are still learning about the world and themselves. Humans that I brought into this world and vowed to protect them with every fiber of my being. But there are times when I question am I the right person to protect them. The world is a cruel and dangerous place and I am not a superhero of any kind. I try not to smother them or shelter them to the point that it suffocates them and I seem to be doing an okay job.

I have my husband (their father) and my family to help. It is said that it takes a village to raise a child and I have been blessed to have that village for them. That village keeps me sane so that I don't get overwhelmed and walk away; plus, it stops me from going overboard with the fears that we all know are very real. 

Parenting is a lifetime commitment that takes balances and it almost seems like any little thing can throw it off. The juggling act never seems to let up because each stage of your child's life brings with it a whole new amount of ups and downs. However, at the end of the day, I really wouldn't change this struggle for anything in the world. My children mean the world to me; they have helped me grow as an individual and they are the main reason behind my drive to succeed.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 14

Day 14: What do I find fascinating and why?

I am actually fascinated with a lot of things. The way the mind thinks (animals, insects, and mankind), the way the human body works, the way man is able to erect buildings (and bridges) so quickly, the way the sky is able to change colors the way that it does, the way that technology seems to be advancing at the speed that it is, race relations worldwide, and male vs female dynamics; just to name some things.

It's strange, as much as I find that I understand a lot of things well, there are other things that I want to understand more about. Learn more about. I want to dive deeper into understanding a lot of those things, but at the same time, some of those things don't require an in depth understanding.

I feel like, there is so much depth to everything surface. There are layers to practically everything and that may be one of my biggest hang ups; believing that there is more to something than meets the eye. There are people in my life that often remind me that not everything is a deep as I would like for it to be; that some things are just the way they are; what you see is ultimately what you get. But for me, I find that hard to believe.

I do enjoy doing research and learning as much as I can about a subject. Even if it is something that may not be of interest to others, I find myself learning about it anyway. However, with the things listed above, I have to ask myself, "Will I ever be able to learn enough about them?"

30 Days of Blogging: Day 13

Day 13: In what area do I need to improve self-discipline?

That's easy, my focus.

As an entrepreneur focusing on anything is everything.

There are multiple projects that I have started that I have yet to finish because I cannot seem to stay focused on them long enough to get them completed. I know for a fact that I would be further with my goals for each project if I could just sit still and keep my mind on the task at hand, but that's not always the case.

Something in my mind causes me to lose focus and I sometimes find myself struggling to get it back long enough to get anything done.

As a writer, I have multiple unfinished poems and stories, each begging for me to complete them. My novella took me about 6 years to write because I wouldn't make myself focus on it long enough to get it written. And believe me, when I made myself focus, pages on top of pages were written; many to my wide eyed surprise.

Sometimes, I wish my focus overrode my drive because my drive rarely ever wavers and if it does, it's nothing for it get back on track. But my focus... That's a monster of its own.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 12

Day 12: What is the one thing I could do to improve my health?

For starters, I could get off of my behind and exercise. Actually, that is the main thing that I could do.

For some reason, working out takes a lot out of me to want to do. Like, once I'm doing it, I am all in but it's just the getting up the energy to do it that I could use more of. Don't get me wrong, I love to work out! I really do, but again, the moment of push needed to actually get my body moving in the direction of working out is just not what it should be.

Maybe I am not motivated enough daily or maybe I don't have enough energy on a regular basis or something. Like, I can get started and I can go multiple days in a row but the minute I stop, it takes a lot for me to get started again. If I could, I would be the kind of person that worked out every day without any rest days, but we all know that's not a healthy way to live. Even still, at least I know I wouldn't stop.

I think maybe it's all mental. I need to make a mental effort to want to exercise and maybe, just maybe, my body will follow.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 11

Day 11: How have I changed over the last few years.

To put it simply, I've grown.

I've grown as an individual in a way that I am more open minded and understanding. Caring and supportive. Patient even. I am no longer judgemental. In places where I used to only see black and white, I now see shades of gray.

They way I can tell that I have grown is from the reactions of those around me and how I feel about myself.

There used to be a time when I wasn't told anything because I would have an unwanted opinion or judgement about a situation. There used to be a time where I was considered a bitch and was unnecessarily nasty to people. There used to be a time when if it wasn't black or white then it simply didn't make sense to me and wasn't possible.

There used to a lot of things about me that I didn't like, so I made it my business to work on those things and change them. I wanted to become the kind of person that my children could be proud about introducing their friends to. The kind of person that my husband smiled about at just the thought of me. The kind of person that made my family feel like I was in their corner instead of looking down my nose at them.

How have I changed? Well, I've changed completely.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 10

Day 10: What are my views on religion?

Honestly, my views have changed quite a bit in the last couple of years when it comes to religion.

It's funny because even though I didn't grow up in a household with a set religion, I was raised with Baptist beliefs. I say that because my father was raised Seventh Day Adventist and my mom was raised Baptist. Where I don't really recall my father teaching us about his religion, I do recall my mom teaching us about hers.

My mom took my siblings and I to church quite frequently throughout my childhood and sent us to Sunday school whenever she found one that she was comfortable sending us on our own to. In our household, we prayed before every meal and before bed every night. On her side of the family, my grandmother is extremely religious so I had more children's bibles than anyone I knew; she would also occasionally quiz me on the books of the bible (imagine the triumph I felt when I could finally recite them all to her). My favorite aunt sent us to vocational bible school during one of the summers when we visited her.

One thing my mom always did was allow us to believe in what we wanted to believe. She even stressed that to us as we got older. If we ever came home and said we wanted to be a different religion, we were required to know about it, in depth, first; we couldn't simply decide on being something that we didn't know anything about (but that was with everything in our lives). Raising us in a Baptist household, she never had any of us baptized because she wanted that to be a decision that we made for ourselves when/if we felt like that was something we wanted to do. My sister was baptized at 13 and my brother and I got baptized in our early twenties.

As adults, the same church that my brother, husband, and I got baptized at was one we all joined and attended it religiously; paying our tithes and offerings each time the plate was passed. We had joined any and every church club they had and went to every church activity the church held.

Needless to say, religion was rather a big deal for us; at least it felt like it to me anyway.

Looking back, I regret joining that church. That place was the devil's playground. No one in authority was for the congregants; well, there was one person and unfortunately, he suffered a stroke that rendered him disabled, completely. The board members were money hungry and self righteous; complete assholes would also be a great description. And I don't even want to get started on the congregation! That place should've gone up in flames with all the sins being actively committed in the church house by those people. Smh.

When my family left that church, I didn't step foot in a church for years because of my experience there. My sister eventually found a church she felt comfortable in and I went with her a few first  Sundays in a row. I say first Sundays because I had decided that I needed communion and that was the only time it was given. Lovely place it was. Welcoming and friendly. But after awhile, I simply decided that I didn't want to go anymore. Things were going on in my life that made me question a lot of things, my faith included.

I wavered for years about my faith, religion, and God. It wasn't until recently that I figured out my stance on all of that and quite frankly, I like where I stand.

As far as faith goes, I have it. I have it in myself and surprisingly, I have it in mankind. I also have it in the universe.

When it comes to religion, I no longer believe in religions (my grandmother would probably drop over dead if she knew I felt this way) because those are so finicky. There are too many and for what reason? Each teaches something contradictory to the other and there are some that people are having religious wars behind. I feel as if religions are another way to divide people; give people something to judge someone by. Religions allow the opportunity to for their followers to be mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. Plus, I feel like they are man made and that in and of itself opens the door for some kind of manipulation somewhere (cue the Bible).

God on the other hand, I do believe in God. Well, I believe in a higher power. An omnipotent being. The universe. There are so many things that cannot be explained or fixed by science and I feel like that's because there is something larger at hand. Something more powerful. Think about the human body and the way it works. Think about natural disasters and why those cannot be stopped. Think about the world around you, truly think about it. Yes, science can explain away some of it, but it can't explain away all of it. So, no matter what path I take in my life, I will always believe in something larger than life that cannot be seen but is completely powerful; I just have to decide on what I will call that powerful being.

I also believe in positive and negative energy as well a bitch named, Karma.

Understand, I do not push my beliefs on my children because I feel that that is something they should be allowed to decide on their own. Looking back, my mother didn't push her beliefs on us either and I am forever grateful for that.

As far as what I am? I don't know, Spiritual maybe? Whatever I am allows me to be open and free as a thinker as well as understanding and accepting as an individual.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 9

Day 9: What is my zodiac sign? Does it fit me?

I am an Aries and I strongly believe that my zodiac sign fits me to a t! It's actually scary how much my sign fits me.

All of my life, my zodiac sign was on point with my personality. It described some of my behaviors and some of my quirks. I used to, and still do actually, feel like if a person wants to get to know someone, find out what their sign is. If you're familiar with zodiac signs then you won't have to look up what their sign is and how their sign behaves, but if you are not familiar with zodiac signs, I strongly recommend getting familiar.

I find it rather cool that certain people I have met have instantly asked, "You're an Aries, aren't you?" Like, it almost floors me every time. To me, that says that I'm not the only one that thinks my sign describes me. It's crazy to think that something so general, that covers so many people, legitimately applies to each individual. It almost makes me wonder how much of an individual one is if they are similar to so many other individuals out there.

Anyway, for those that aren't familiar with the Aries sign, I am sharing some information about it from Horoscope.com. Those are you that have had the pleasure of meeting me, decide for yourself if my personality really fits my sign.

Aries Facts

Symbol: The Ram

Aries Dates: Mar 21-Apr 19

Element: Fire

Polarity: Positive

Quality: Cardinal

Ruling Planet: Mars

Ruling House: First

Spirit Color: Red

Lucky Gem: Diamond

Flower: Thistle & honeysuckle

Top Love Matches: Sagittarius

Key Traits: Ambitious, independent, impatient.

Motto: "When you know yourself, you're empowered. When you accept yourself, you're invincible."

Aries Zodiac Sign

The first sign of the Zodiac, Aries are the trailblazers. Passionate and independent, Aries will never do something just because everyone else is doing it—a Ram needs to be 100 percent committed to the task at hand. Competitive to the max, the best way to motivate an Aries is to turn something into a contest. Aries will put everything they have (and then some) into winning. Loyal, smart, and impulsive, they always have multiple projects on their mind, and won't be satisfied until their work, social life, and personal lives line up exactly with the dream life they've envisioned. Those who are drawn to magnetic Aries may have trouble keeping up—but if they can, they'll have a friend for life.

An Aries will always tell you what they're thinking, with a frankness that may occasionally border on rudeness. But even if an Aries seems overly blunt with their opinion, that's only because Rams value honesty above all else. And it works both ways. While an Aries may be the first to say if they think that you just phoned in a project, they'll also be the first to compliment you for a job well done. Rams may also have a short fuse. That fiery temper can be an asset. When an Aries is angry, they'll never play the passive-aggressive card. But for people who don't know them well, their temper can be a turn off. Learning how to work out their anger—whether by going to the gym every day, taking some deep breaths, or learning to chill before they Tweet their thoughts to the world—is a lifelong process for Rams.

When it comes to love, Aries are all about initial attraction. They can sense chemistry in the first sentence uttered by a potential partner. Forthright and unabashed, an Aries will do everything in their power to go after someone they want. Sometimes, they need to learn how to slow down and foster long-term connections. Fireworks are fun, but they don't necessarily make a great match. Aries are amazing lovers: versatile, passionate, and always invested in the moment.

Aries are amazing! Their name says it all:

A for assertive
R for refreshing
I for independent
E for energetic
S for sexy

Aries' Greatest Gifts

Whether it's backpacking around the world, launching a business, or training for a marathon, once an Aries sets a goal, they will achieve it. They don't care what anyone else thinks, and can tune into their intuition and dreams in a heartbeat. Rams never need a plus one—they love their own company, and consider going solo to the movies a rare treat.

Aries' Greatest Challenges

The world according to an Aries makes so much sense that they have a hard time listening to, much less accepting, alternative viewpoints. Slowing down is also tough. A Ram's mind goes a million miles a minute, and slowing down for others can be excruciating. But when it comes to maintaining relationships, Aries must learn to adapt and embrace other ways of doing, being, and seeing.

Aries' Secret Weapon

Strong, adamant, and forged in fire, it's fitting that Aries' secret weapon is iron, one of the strongest elements. Weld, cast, machine, forge, temper, harden, or anneal it, iron can take on a seemingly limitless range of shapes and qualities. For an Aries, an iron-rich diet can boost confidence and performance.

The 5 Top Reasons to Love Being an Aries

1. You're the most courageous and ambitious sign, the leader of every pack.
2. Your determination is unmatched when it comes to getting what you want.
3. You work hard but also play hard—you're the life of every party!
4. You're easygoing and enjoy the company of all kinds of people.
5. You're impulsive. Sure, sometimes acting first and thinking later is risky, but more often than not, it leads to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

All zodiac information posted is located at: https://www.horoscope.com/zodiac-signs/aries

30 Days of Blogging: Day 8

Day 8: Who are the most important people in my life?

I feel like that's a trick answer because if answered incorrectly, one could find themselves having ought with people they previously considered themselves closest to.

For me, I never looked at who was the "most important" in my life. I have only ever looked at the people that meant the most to me as important people. And when I say important people, I mean that if something was to happen to any of the people that I feel closest to, that I love unconditionally, it would destroy me somehow.

I am willing to admit that over time, as years have passed, my list of important people has changed. It has even gotten shorter; a lot shorter to be honest. Many names have been removed due to the dynamics of the relationship having changed for the negative. Almost all of the names removed won't be names that are ever added back because that is just the kind of person that I am. *Shrugs shoulders*

Thinking about it, I am okay with my short list of important people. Those on that list know how important they are to my because I make sure that they are told. I mean, what's the point of them being important and not know how important they are, right?

30 Days of Blogging: Day 7

Day 7: How do I feel about my body?

It's funny because I have a love/hate relationship with my body. Some days, I love it and other days, I loathe it.

For three years, I was on an antidepressant. When I started taking that antidepressant, I was 170 pounds. Even then, I felt wishy washy about my body, but I was comfortable in it. Anyway, my family doctor warned me that I needed to remain fairly active, because antidepressants can make you gain weight. I'm not gonna lie, I pretty much blew him off because outside of having to take steroids one year for Bells Palsy and gaining back all of the weight I had lost when working in a factory, I didn't really gain weight like that.So, in my mind, gaining weight wasn't going to happen.

Or so I thought.

I actually ended up gaining 30 pounds from said antidepressant. It was as if I gained 10 pounds every year. Each year, I would work out hard core and lose weight, only for it to come back with friends when I fell off of my workout regimen. At the beginning of this year, I started going to the gym a lot. Religiously almost. I went every other day constantly, from February until mid April. I was focused on losing weight and toning up, only that's not what happened. I definitely toned up, but I didn't lose weight. I ended up gaining 5 pounds. Because I was confused by that, I stopped going to the gym completely. Clearly, I had to have been doing something wrong if the numbers on the scale were going up instead of down.

I had totally forgotten that fat turns to muscle and makes you gain weight.

For me to be on an antidepressant, lazing around and eating became my primary source of comforts. 

My peak weight this summer was 202 pounds. I started finding myself repulsed by what I saw in the mirror, so I stopped looking. Even my face was fat to me some days, hardly recognizable, so I refused to look at it. The selfies that I loved taking, came to a complete stop. Understand, I used to love my reflection, but that was no longer the case. I found myself not seeing what other people saw when they looked at me and I contemplated doing unhealthy things to lose weight. I can't tell you how or why it happened, because I don't know, but something clicked in my head one day and I snapped out of it. 

There were some unpleasant side effects as a result of my antidepressant, so I stopped taking it. As a result of that, I have noticed my weight has been going back down. I am currently at 194 and for the first time, in a long time, I am okay with being in the 190s.

It took me a really long time and a lot of soul searching to accept that my size or my weight doesn't define me. And that in order for me to love myself, I have to love all of myself; outer parts included. There are some days that I struggle with it, but that's to be expected. Rome wasn't built overnight. However, I do have faith that in due time, I will be confident within myself once again.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 6

Day 6: What is something that I am currently worried about?

I am currently worried about having to get a full hysterectomy.

Three years ago, in January, after noticing certain things weren't right, I found out that I had an ovarian cyst that was so large, my family doctor was worried that it would flip my ovary. He sent me to a gynecological specialist, a doctor that trained him, and after various tests and consultations, I found out that the cyst was an endometrioma, which forms as a result of having endometriosis (something I did not know I had because all prior paps came back negative for anything wrong). It was also filled with blood and is nicknamed "a chocolate cyst". I had it surgically removed that May. I also had an endometrial abrasion to help prevent any more cysts from growing. After that, the specialist became my regular gynecologist.

Fast forward to July of last year. Once again, I was noticing that things weren't right and after calling my gynecologist, we set up an appointment to be seen and to have some tests done. Lo and behold, the cyst had come back and was in the same spot that it was in years prior. I was given three options to alleviate the pain and to possibly stop the cyst from growing any larger: Get the Depo shot, get the Lupron Shot, or get a full hysterectomy."Why does it have to be a full one, can't I just get a partial?" His answer was simple, "No, because the cyst will have the opportunity to grow on the side that isn't removed."  I was overwhelmed with those choices so I left without making one; thinking that if I didn't think about it, then it wasn't real. Ignorant in thinking, but the mind does that when something overwhelms you.

I continued to not make a decision until one day, there was a pain so severe in my abdomen that it caused my husband to take me to the ER this past May. After having them confirm what I already knew the result of the pain was, I was ready to make a decision.

I got in touch with my gynecologist and made an appointment. When the appointment came, I sat with tears in my eyes as I told him that I wanted to have a hysterectomy. He asked about the other to options and I told him that Depo was out of the question and because Lupron was so expensive, I didn't event want the hassle of trying to get it only to be denied. He asked me if my insurance was willing to cover the Lupron, would I take it? He said that this would help to make sure that a hysterectomy was what I needed because it would throw me into an early menopause and stop the hormones that had been causing the cyst to grow. Because he had stressed to me in the past that he didn't feel comfortable with me being so young and having that surgery, I was willing to try the Lupron. I knew in my heart of hearts, that my health was very important to him and he would not steer me wrong. He made it known, and I was aware, that if the Lupron worked then that would mean that I would, unfortunately, have to have a hysterectomy.

I started getting the shots in July and I am due for my last one next week; two weeks before my consultation. The consultation that determines what happens to me next. Well, I already know. The Lupron has done what it was supposed to and that means that my doctor will have to do what needs to be done.

I am leery of surgeries, even though I have had a couple throughout my adulthood. For me, this surgery is different. This marks something mentally for me, only I can't seem to pinpoint what that something is. At first, I was okay with the idea... Wait, I'm lying. I was never okay with the idea; the reason I avoided going back to my doctor until an ER visit almost a year later. I don't know, I can't put my finger on it enough to explain it, but I am not okay with this.

I am angry at my body for betraying me in such a way that I have to have a major part of my insides removed. Understand, it's not about being able to have kids because I was blessed to have two. It's not about not having a period because I haven't had one of those in over three years. It's about something bigger. Something that I will never be able to explain to anyone...

Damn, this post turned out to be longer than intended...

30 Days of Blogging: Day 5

Day 5: What is something I can't seem to get over?

Hmm... Seeing how I'm an Aries and we love to hold grudges, figuring this out could take a good while. LoL, I'm kidding. Seriously, the one thing I can't seem to get over is the fact that my parents separated 24 years ago. They didn't divorce until 4 years after the separation and that in and of itself opened a whole new can of things I can't seem to get over.

I never for an iota of a second ever thought about my parents not being together. Granted, as a child, the signs were there, but I was too busy being a child and enjoying my childhood to really even pay those signs any attention. I just knew that I would grow up with both of my parents in the same household forever.

When that didn't happen, I was devastated. Finding out that we were living in one place and my dad was going to be living somewhere else, was world crushing. I missed him a lot, but I always believed that distance wouldn't be an issue because he would do whatever it took to always be in our lives.

Time gradually changed that...

There was a lot of pain and anger on my part about everything. My mom tried her best to reassure me that it would all be okay, even making excuses in my dad's defense, but I was no fool. I honestly feel that if my father handled his relationship with me differently, we wouldn't have had the crap relationship that I tried to establish with him during my adult years. I was so desperate to have him in mine and my children's life that I was willing to settle for whatever relationship he was willing to have with me. I damn near begged that man for a relationship with him and he continued to treat me as if I was his ex-wife's annoying child that wouldn't go away. Sadly, he finally got his wish because I haven't spoken to him since the end of 2015.

Even now, sitting here, typing this, my eyes are filling up with water and the cool liquid is spilling out of my eyes. All I ever wanted was to know that I was still "daddy's little girl". All I ever wanted was for him to keep the promise that he would never put any woman before us. But life if funny like that because we never ever really get what we want, do we?

30 Days of Blogging: Day 4

Day 4: What am I afraid of?

There are many things that I have a fear of but there is one thing that I am afraid of. With all that has been going on with me medically, I have come to realize that I am completely afraid of losing my mind.

I don't want to lose my mind. I don't want to go crazy. I don't want to feel like I am no longer in control of my thoughts.

Having my memories slip away from is scary enough as it is, but to feel like I am going crazy, sends me into a panic that I cannot even put into words. The worst part is, I cannot even describe what it is that my mind does but it scares me to death. The scariest part about all of it is that I don't think there is anything that I can do to stop it...

30 Days of Blogging: Day 3

Day 3: What do I think about my friends?

I honestly think my friends are amazing! The few that I have allowed within my circle are there because they have proven to me that they belong there. When I am friends with a person, I am truly friends with them. One hundred percent. I'm there for them no matter what and I expect the same from my friends. So, the friends that I do have are friends of mine because they do the same for me. I don't always talk to them every day, but I know that whenever I need them, they will be there for me.

There are one or two of my friends that have friendship quirks that I don't like, but their loyalty is unwavering, so I overlook what it is that I don't like. Could they be better friends to me? In my opinion, absolutely, but maybe they feel that they are doing the best that they can. Not to mention, maybe someone feels that same way about me and I know that I go above and beyond the call of friendship for my friends. I no longer question it because I have come to the conclusion that I either love a person for who they are or walk away from them completely. I don't have the right to try to change someone to fit my mold of a perfect friend; I became friends with certain individuals because of who they were, not because of who I wanted them to be.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 2

Day 2: What makes me different from everyone else?

Honestly, what makes me the same. For all of my life, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. Nothing about my style or my behavior was ever like "everyone else". I have always been different. My thought process made me different. My style my made me different. My imagination made me different. My life choices made me different. I was born to be different; I was made this way.

I would actually be surprised if I was to be told that I was "like everyone else". In all actuality, what does that really mean? Everyone else is a definition that is defined in so many ways, so many directions. In a world were people are trying to be like everyone else, aren't they essentially trying to be like themselves? Since everyone is trying to be like someone and the someone is trying to be like everyone else. Because that's what it all boils down to.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 1

Day 1: Who am I? Who have I been? Who do I want to be?

Who am I?

Honestly, that's a good question. Funny, but good. Why is it funny, you ask? Because I don't even know who I am anymore. I haven't known for awhile. Maybe it's because I'm still going through the changes from who I was to who I will become. I don't know, but sometimes, I do find myself asking, "Who am I"?

Who have I been?

I have been confused, indecisive, and seemingly emotionally unstable.

The changes in my life have kept me in a perpetual state of confusion. My emotions seem all over the place and I never know where I'm going or why. I am constantly changing my mind and am never solid on my decisions. Oftentimes, I find myself questioning a lot of the choices that I've made to get me to where I am.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be more relaxed, laid back in life, and assertive in my decisions. I want to be better than I am now. Stronger than I am now; mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I want to be more driven than I am now. I want to be less afraid in life; afraid of failure, afraid of success. I want to be the kind of person that actually has their shit together and not just looks like they do. I want to be an inspiration to others, but most importantly, to my kids.

I want to be so many things, but more than anything, I want to be me. The only thing is, who is me?

Remember Me

I never want the world to forget who I am or what I do. And there are many in the world that are not even familiar with who I am. They don't even know my name, let alone that I exist. Well, if you are one of those people that have stumbled upon this post, I hope this poem gives you an insight as to who I am. I hope it shines bright to you what I do. I hope it sticks in your mind long after you visit because I want you to remember me. 

 

 

 

"I spill my soul on paper,
For the world and fans to read,
And then I'll tear that very paper,
Just to watch the letters bleed.
A lover to the lyrics,
But a whore to every verse,
Though writing is a blessing,
It is also my biggest curse.
To articulate your feelings,
So that others will understand,
Makes it easier for them to judge you,
And see how much you're damned.
However, this is who I am,
I wouldn't have it any other way,
If we haven't been introduced before,

Well, I am La Kata E.K."

 

 

 

I Came. I Saw. I Conquered. Then, I Left...

And I am okay with my decision...

For so long, there was a time that I wanted to be an "active author" and I was.

I was blessed in 2017, throughout the entire year, to be just that and so much more. I felt the highs and the lows of being in the public eye, even if it was a small public. I even became "known"! I had a person actually fan girl over me and I wanted to cry! Not sad tears, but happy tears. Overjoyed tears. Tears of a kind of happiness that I have only dreamed about. I was becoming known among other authors as well. My peers. My equals. I was "one of them" and it felt fucking amazing.

But then, I woke up and I didn't want to live that life anymore.

I didn't want to be known or fan girled over. I didn't want to be an equal with anyone any more. I just wanted to be... Me...

An individual...

I didn't feel as though I stood out anymore for I was just one of many...

Plus, there is so much work that goes into that life and I was blessed to have a support system that helped me carry whatever load I had to carry, when I had to carry it. However, for me, that load was becoming more of a job, a hassle, than it should've been.  Or, maybe, it was supposed to be that way, always be that way, but that is not what I wanted it to become to me. And from there, it became other things...

Competition... Because let's face it, the majority of the other authors kept spouting that it was a business and when I think business, I think "dog eat dog". Sadly, that's how many of the authors I crossed paths with behaved; as if there weren't like an endless amount of readers out there. But hey, what do I know?

Icky... Because practically no one trusts the other. Remember, we're supposed to be in competition with one another? Why would I share with you ANYTHING that I am writing about so that you can turn around and write about it yourself?

Exclusive... Because grown people still have a high school mindset. I never fit in in high school and I was okay with that. I was an individual and I wouldn't change it for the world, so it stands to reason that I am okay with that sort of behavior elsewhere in my life. However, watching other authors desperately try to be included reminded me of the very individuals I pitied in high school and I realized then that some things never change.

There are other things it became but I dare not list them for fear of this post being perceived as a negative one. For me, the ugly started to outshine the beautiful. The negative the positive.  And honestly, I just couldn't handle the dark cloud anymore. I had to save myself before something that meant so much to me, that drove me in the direction that I have taken, became something utterly toxic.

Understand, I had a tremendous amount of positive experiences and I formed bonds with some absolutely amazing authors; some of which I actually had the pleasure of meeting in person! Those bonds I feel will be everlasting and I am grateful for that. My "active author" experience was more positive than negative but I live in a mental world where any negative at all, completely taints all that is positive.

I can't say that I am done forever, because no one knows what the future holds; however, I am done for now...