Time simply runs out on a thing...
In a complete backward ass move, I announced that my newest poetry book would be my final poetry book before I posted a blog as to why. So, for my loyal fans and followers, I apologize for that; I should've prepared you for what was to come.
Today, someone asked me if I planned on retiring and I replied with, "I really want to and I feel like I should, but no." I believe that garnered more questions among those that read the comment than I anticipated. Hell, telling that I will no longer be publishing any more poetry books garnered more of a reaction than I imagined it would. And honestly, I'm still trying to figure out why that is.
It's not as if my poetry books are best sellers or anything. Hell, it's not like they really sell all that much either to be honest, but that's not why I am no longer publishing anymore poetry books. I didn't publish them for attention, or wealth, or fame; I published them so that I could prove to myself that I could achieve whatever I put my mind to. I published them so someone out there reading them knew that they were not alone in a feeling that they may have related to in one of my poems.
The reason I am no longer publishing anymore poetry books is because that level of exposure is so draining for me. That level of "will they?" builds to be something so large in my mind that it can be overwhelming at times. (Will they buy it? Will they like it? Will they judge me? What will they think?)
I've said it in the past and I will say it again for those that don't know, my writing leaves me utterly exposed. Completely nude without ever taking off a stitch of clothing. Anytime I write something, I am left feeling dangerously raw and overly sensitive to the world around me.
Why do I feel like I should retire? For that very reason. However, I won't because writing about how I feel is all I know. I have been doing so in journals my entire life and I have been doing so in poem form since I was thirteen, so I know of no other way to express how I feel. I might take a break though; a couple of months, maybe a year or two. Oh, hell, who am I kidding.?! The minute something effects me emotionally, I'll probably end up writing about it (I just no longer intend to share what I write). The thought is nice, I suppose.
The one thing I plan on actively implementing is my involvement on social media, at least as an author/poet. With my accounts, I will be taking a break; I'm just not sure how long of one though. I also plan on stepping away from being an editor, finishing up the few books I was asked to review so that I can be done with that, and once the last of my business cards are gone, they're gone.
I've had a good run and I've enjoyed every minute of it, but that is not where my path is taking me anymore and I have to now prepare myself for the direction that I am meant to go in. Unfortunately, the life that I only ever dreamed of living my entire life is no longer it.
(Sigh)
Oh, how I hate change....
WOW...Ms. La Kata you ALWAYS blow me away with the depth of your honesty--something I HIGHLY RESPECT in those who do so, not to hurt or harm, but as a part of who and how they are growing as a person. I will stay tuned to catch glimpses of you and/or your work regardless. I leave only a heartfelt prayer that you follow where God leads you, and in a life lived that way comes a comfort and peace. I like truth, but I truly honor it in my own life! Best of Life to You, Ms. La Kata!!
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