But I function the best when there isn't any noise...
That, honestly, sums up 2019 for me in a nutshell. I didn't really post anywhere nor did I really discuss anything with anyone. For the most part, I even cut myself off from people as well. I look back on 2019 and I don't really regret my decision to remain silent either.
Moving in silence is always best when you are trying to take care of yourself and that is one thing a lot of people often forget about: self care. I took this entire year to take care of myself, both mentally and physically, and I allowed myself the silence to do so.
2019 was very chill compared to 2018. It was like this endless feeling of being in a relaxed state of mind, something that I was never really good at accomplishing in the past. Somehow, I figured out how to drown out all of the noise that came from over thinking and by doing so, I lazily basked within it. Almost dangerously so.
(Multiple times, I did start a blog post, but I never completed them because I didn't really feel like it. I couldn't find the words to finish the thoughts that I originally had because that's how mellow I was, so don't be surprised if "backdated" posts appear out of nowhere.)
Looking back on 2019, there were multiple lessons there; multiple reminders. One of the lessons was a lesson in patience; actually, that was the major lesson and believe me, it took everything in me to learn from it. There are too many variables in this life that stop you from being in control of every aspect of your life and it's because of those variables, that we have to embrace a patient mindset. If we do not embrace that mindset, not only will we drive ourselves crazy, but we will become angry as well. Let's face it, anger never gets you anywhere positive and being crazy doesn't just effect you, it effects those around you as well.
One of the main reminders that I found myself getting was that no matter how far away you run from a thing, if it's meant for you then it will always be for you. For me, that was my life in the literary world. Like, it's no government guarded secret that in 2018, I walked away from that life. I walked away from my childhood dream and away from the career that I worked hard to build for myself, by myself. I walked away with the intention to never look back; however, the universe had other plans for me. Never have I had to look back because new opportunities keep landing right in front of me.
Basically, 2020 is the year that walk back into what I walked away from in 2018.
Overall, 2019 allowed me to rebuild the shattered being that 2018 turned me into. It gave me time to mend, to strengthen, to focus; but most importantly, it gave me time to be okay which was something that 2018 had not allowed me to be, even for a moment.
Tonight, I go into 2020 with a calm spirit, a clear mind, open arms, and a happy heart because that's how ready I am for what 2020 has in store.
Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Thursday, July 18, 2019
When A Movie Can Trigger...
Memories that were buried so very deep...
Like many worldwide, I have been anxiously awaiting the release of the new "The Lion King" movie.
Hearing about the live action movie brought back the childhood nostalgia I had every time we watched that movie. It took me back to the summer of '96'.
During that summer, my siblings and I watched that movie all day, every day, with our three younger cousins because that's all that they wanted to watch. It didn't bother us any because we actually enjoyed watching it as well. So much so, that each one of us had characters that we memorized the parts for and many times, we would put the television on mute and speak our assigned character's part throughout the entire movie.
Yes, I was beyond excited when I found out last year that "The Lion King" was going to be once more. So much so, that I was actually willing to battle crowds of people and the like to go to the premiere.
But, today, that all changed.
Why, might you ask? Because of a song...
I was on YouTube, looking up the song/video that Beyoncé made for the movie, when it had "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" listed as a suggestion. So, me being "The Lion King" fan that I am, decided to check out what the remake sounded like. Hindsight says that that was a fool ass move.
What the song ended up doing was reminding me of all of the "ugly" that happened that summer.
That summer, I was a rail thin twelve year old girl with an insane crush on a boy that considered me absolutely annoying, and probably ugly (most boys considered me ugly as a kid). I remember watching "The Lion King" and pretending that this boy was Simba and I was Nala; that instead of watching to lion cubs fall in love, I was watching the two of us.
That summer, I was starting to grasp the fact that there was never a chance in this universe that my parents were going to ever get back together. My father's growing absence in our lives sadly helped with the realization that their divorce was imminent.
That summer, I began learning about two-faced friends and the drama that comes with those kinds of friendships. I should've taken that initial lesson and carried it with me through my teenage years, but instead, it would take me many more two-faced friends before I learned that not everyone could be trusted, nor do they deserve a second chance once that trust was broken.
That song brought up every sad emotion I felt during the times that I used to watch the movie play out on the television. That song reminded me of the awkward little girl that little boys didn't like and many little girls couldn't stand, and of the family unit that I knew I was to have no more. Most importantly, however, that song reminded me of the fact that the mind remembers what it wants to and blocks out what it doesn't...
Saturday, May 11, 2019
Pictures Always Capture...
The memories we seem to forget...
Today, for whatever random reason I had, I was going through old photo albums on my computer. As time passed, I started looking for pictures of myself: me smiling, me feeling sexy, anything. I noticed that there weren't as many photos in recent years as I would like to have believed; that really, anything after, maybe, early 2016 didn't carry as many photos as one album in particular did. Turns out, all of 2015 into 2016 carried the absolute most of those pictures.
Seems to me that all of 2015 into 2016, I was the happiest that I had ever been in my life. The most confident as well. This album was full of smiling selfies and images where I thought I looked cute or even sexy on various occasions; but it was the smiling selfies that got to me. These smiling selfies were genuine smiles; smiles that reached my eyes, smiles that didn't seem forced or struggled for.
In recent years, I very rarely take selfies anymore. Any time that I do, I can see the forced smile on my face in the image and I delete it. I no longer have that air of confidence about myself that I once had; I know because I can feel it. I can feel the way that I withdraw into myself or how the very confidence I once held is slowly slipping away from me.
Multiple events have happened in my life since early 2016 that I know have played a major role in the way things were and the way things are now. Some, or even very few, of those events were well within my control while others were a forced upon me in a manner that has almost caused my demise. It is those moments that have changed me. Those moments that have left my inner core seething just beneath the surface the way blood courses just beneath our skin. I know what has changed me and I loath it, hate it almost, and that is what I find most dangerous.
I am in a mental battle of trying to grow as an individual while still trying to accept that there is a part of me that refuses to let go of the growing disgust within myself about choices that I could have made involving those events. And understand, it is not as if theses events happened and that was the end of it. Oh no, that is not the case at all. These events have made me feel trapped within my own mind, within my own life. They have snowballed downhill on the same course to where they have merged together and become this grand monster that has taken on a life of its own. So much so, dare I call it a cancer?
However, after looking at those albums from the past and realizing that I have a present and a future, I can no longer allow myself to be the way that I have become. I cannot simply allow myself to continue to slip away nor can I accept that who I used to be is forever gone. There is someone that I am trying to become and in order for me to become this person, in order for me to continue to actually grow, I have to eradicate this monster immediately and I have to do so with everything in me because only then, will I be able to truly smile again...
Today, for whatever random reason I had, I was going through old photo albums on my computer. As time passed, I started looking for pictures of myself: me smiling, me feeling sexy, anything. I noticed that there weren't as many photos in recent years as I would like to have believed; that really, anything after, maybe, early 2016 didn't carry as many photos as one album in particular did. Turns out, all of 2015 into 2016 carried the absolute most of those pictures.
Seems to me that all of 2015 into 2016, I was the happiest that I had ever been in my life. The most confident as well. This album was full of smiling selfies and images where I thought I looked cute or even sexy on various occasions; but it was the smiling selfies that got to me. These smiling selfies were genuine smiles; smiles that reached my eyes, smiles that didn't seem forced or struggled for.
In recent years, I very rarely take selfies anymore. Any time that I do, I can see the forced smile on my face in the image and I delete it. I no longer have that air of confidence about myself that I once had; I know because I can feel it. I can feel the way that I withdraw into myself or how the very confidence I once held is slowly slipping away from me.
Multiple events have happened in my life since early 2016 that I know have played a major role in the way things were and the way things are now. Some, or even very few, of those events were well within my control while others were a forced upon me in a manner that has almost caused my demise. It is those moments that have changed me. Those moments that have left my inner core seething just beneath the surface the way blood courses just beneath our skin. I know what has changed me and I loath it, hate it almost, and that is what I find most dangerous.
I am in a mental battle of trying to grow as an individual while still trying to accept that there is a part of me that refuses to let go of the growing disgust within myself about choices that I could have made involving those events. And understand, it is not as if theses events happened and that was the end of it. Oh no, that is not the case at all. These events have made me feel trapped within my own mind, within my own life. They have snowballed downhill on the same course to where they have merged together and become this grand monster that has taken on a life of its own. So much so, dare I call it a cancer?
However, after looking at those albums from the past and realizing that I have a present and a future, I can no longer allow myself to be the way that I have become. I cannot simply allow myself to continue to slip away nor can I accept that who I used to be is forever gone. There is someone that I am trying to become and in order for me to become this person, in order for me to continue to actually grow, I have to eradicate this monster immediately and I have to do so with everything in me because only then, will I be able to truly smile again...
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Though The Mind May Be Apt To Wander...
The heart will always want what it wants...
It is not much of a secret that I decided to take a break from life as an "active" author and many of the things tied to the literary world. However, in recent weeks, I find myself slowly gravitating back to that life.
I cannot necessarily say whether or not I will become as active as I once was, or active at all for that matter, but the desire to be active is there. Some days it is stronger than others.
Like a couple months ago. As a favor, I was asked to edit for a friend of an old client of mine. As I sat at my computer and made the necessary corrections needed to the document, I thought about the many other times that I did the same thing in the past. I thought about the feeling that I felt as I cleaned up an author's manuscript. The pride that I felt when the client expressed gratitude for a "job well done". The humble feeling that came over me when that client was listed as the person a new client was referred by.
Like yesterday. I stumbled across something that reminded me of when used to do author interviews and how I had not done any at all for the 2019 year. For one, I cannot say that I intended to stop doing interviews featuring other authors and for two, I actually miss showcasing other authors they way that I did. Getting to learn a little more about them and what inspired their pen was something that I actually enjoyed doing.
Then today. I found the desire to work on an "archived" WIP to be so strong and overwhelming, that I did not realize that I was working on it until I took a break from the screen to rest my eyes. Working on the one caused me to want to work on the other WIPs that I so casually "archived" when I decided that I wanted to do something different with my life.
Different. Hmph. I find it absolutely hilarious that I wanted, for whatever my reasoning was at the time, to do something different that I walked away from something that was so rooted in my core. Understand, I do not regret walking away from the author life; it was something that I felt that I needed to do, but maybe I should not have done it so abruptly. However, by doing so, I was able to find out other things that I could be driven by. Although, none so far have given me the adrenaline rush that being an "active" author did.
Wait... There is one thing that I feel might be able to make me feel like that or at least close to that, I just have to pursue it the way that I did when it came to writing. When it came to editing. When it came to interviewing. Basically, I have to put all of myself into it in order to see if it is something that I will want to actively pursue while I decide as to whether or not I am going to get back active in the literary world.
Until then, I will continue on my path of whatever it is that I am on. I will dabble in the things that I miss as a reminder that they are never too far for me to come back to and I will work on the things that interest me because how will I know if it is anything worth doing if I do not at least try it once.
It is not much of a secret that I decided to take a break from life as an "active" author and many of the things tied to the literary world. However, in recent weeks, I find myself slowly gravitating back to that life.
I cannot necessarily say whether or not I will become as active as I once was, or active at all for that matter, but the desire to be active is there. Some days it is stronger than others.
Like a couple months ago. As a favor, I was asked to edit for a friend of an old client of mine. As I sat at my computer and made the necessary corrections needed to the document, I thought about the many other times that I did the same thing in the past. I thought about the feeling that I felt as I cleaned up an author's manuscript. The pride that I felt when the client expressed gratitude for a "job well done". The humble feeling that came over me when that client was listed as the person a new client was referred by.
Like yesterday. I stumbled across something that reminded me of when used to do author interviews and how I had not done any at all for the 2019 year. For one, I cannot say that I intended to stop doing interviews featuring other authors and for two, I actually miss showcasing other authors they way that I did. Getting to learn a little more about them and what inspired their pen was something that I actually enjoyed doing.
Then today. I found the desire to work on an "archived" WIP to be so strong and overwhelming, that I did not realize that I was working on it until I took a break from the screen to rest my eyes. Working on the one caused me to want to work on the other WIPs that I so casually "archived" when I decided that I wanted to do something different with my life.
Different. Hmph. I find it absolutely hilarious that I wanted, for whatever my reasoning was at the time, to do something different that I walked away from something that was so rooted in my core. Understand, I do not regret walking away from the author life; it was something that I felt that I needed to do, but maybe I should not have done it so abruptly. However, by doing so, I was able to find out other things that I could be driven by. Although, none so far have given me the adrenaline rush that being an "active" author did.
Wait... There is one thing that I feel might be able to make me feel like that or at least close to that, I just have to pursue it the way that I did when it came to writing. When it came to editing. When it came to interviewing. Basically, I have to put all of myself into it in order to see if it is something that I will want to actively pursue while I decide as to whether or not I am going to get back active in the literary world.
Until then, I will continue on my path of whatever it is that I am on. I will dabble in the things that I miss as a reminder that they are never too far for me to come back to and I will work on the things that interest me because how will I know if it is anything worth doing if I do not at least try it once.
Friday, February 15, 2019
No Matter The Hurry In Our Lives...
Patience will find a way to slow us down...
2019 must be the "test my patience" year and not in a negative way.
Probably all of my life, I struggled with being patient about a thing and right now there are some major things in my life that I have to patiently wait on before making any further moves. In the beginning, it was pure hell, but as days pass and time goes on, the wait gets easier and easier.
I find that being patient, like actually being patient, allows me the ability to breathe better. It allows me the opportunity to focus more. It allows me the chance to maintain good health because I am not over here stressing myself to death. Most importantly, it allows my spirit to just be.
I could say that I don't know why it took so long for me to actually embrace this way of thinking, but that would be a lie. It took me finally learning to accept that some things are completely out of my control to embrace being a patient individual. That no amount of micromanaging or controlling on my end will change the outcome of a situation any faster; sometimes a thing simply requires time...
Thursday, February 7, 2019
For Some, Celebrating Is Only A Month...
But for others, celebrating Black History is a 24/7 way of life...
I am sure many of you have heard it all before, all of the complaints about Black History Month. From it being celebrated during the shortest month of the year to people being taught about the same black people year after year. Understand, I no longer have an issue with the month because I educate myself about black history and teach it to my children all year long nor do I no longer have an issue with who they are teaching our children about in schools. Why is that you may ask? Because it is my business as a black mother to make sure that my black children are taught that there are other black pioneers in the world besides the regular ten.
Which leads me to why I decided to create this post. Earlier in the month, someone I have known since high school started posting the black entrepreneurs that she knew to her Facebook page as a way to celebrate Black History Month. I honestly thought that that was a wonderful idea because how else can we encourage our black youth and expand their knowledge of individuals that are either making a difference or making their own way in a world that sometimes seems stacked against them. That no matter the color of your skin, hard work, determination, and a dream can take you as far in life as you want to go.
Below is a list of Black Entrepreneurs, each of which I am blessed to be associated with in some capacity. All are extremely talented and passionate about their business. Please note, that I did make sure to include myself, because for those of you that are just now joining the party, I, too, am an entrepreneur: a black entrepreneur to be exact.
* La Kata E.K.
* Bjzae's Creations
* Meek's Sweet Treats
* Beauty By Arrica
* Ty Trimble The MUA
* The Kitchen Salon
* Deetermined Health
* Freedom With Chandler
* Joon Bug's World
* Misses Fix It - Carry Out Specials
* Consult With PCI
* I Am Markivus
* Tiffy's Beauty Bar
* DJ Dee Fresh For Hire
* Chef Ace
* Dining With Daddy
So, was this one of those "pro-black" posts? Absolutely. If you must ask, then you have totally missed the point of this post.
Are you offended? You shouldn't be. If you are, then something is terribly wrong with you and not with this post in the slightest.
As I stated before, for some, celebrating Black History Month is just that; a month. However, for others, celebrating Black History is a way of life...
I am sure many of you have heard it all before, all of the complaints about Black History Month. From it being celebrated during the shortest month of the year to people being taught about the same black people year after year. Understand, I no longer have an issue with the month because I educate myself about black history and teach it to my children all year long nor do I no longer have an issue with who they are teaching our children about in schools. Why is that you may ask? Because it is my business as a black mother to make sure that my black children are taught that there are other black pioneers in the world besides the regular ten.
Which leads me to why I decided to create this post. Earlier in the month, someone I have known since high school started posting the black entrepreneurs that she knew to her Facebook page as a way to celebrate Black History Month. I honestly thought that that was a wonderful idea because how else can we encourage our black youth and expand their knowledge of individuals that are either making a difference or making their own way in a world that sometimes seems stacked against them. That no matter the color of your skin, hard work, determination, and a dream can take you as far in life as you want to go.
Below is a list of Black Entrepreneurs, each of which I am blessed to be associated with in some capacity. All are extremely talented and passionate about their business. Please note, that I did make sure to include myself, because for those of you that are just now joining the party, I, too, am an entrepreneur: a black entrepreneur to be exact.
* La Kata E.K.
* Bjzae's Creations
* Meek's Sweet Treats
* Beauty By Arrica
* Ty Trimble The MUA
* The Kitchen Salon
* Deetermined Health
* Freedom With Chandler
* Joon Bug's World
* Misses Fix It - Carry Out Specials
* Consult With PCI
* I Am Markivus
* Tiffy's Beauty Bar
* DJ Dee Fresh For Hire
* Chef Ace
* Dining With Daddy
So, was this one of those "pro-black" posts? Absolutely. If you must ask, then you have totally missed the point of this post.
Are you offended? You shouldn't be. If you are, then something is terribly wrong with you and not with this post in the slightest.
As I stated before, for some, celebrating Black History Month is just that; a month. However, for others, celebrating Black History is a way of life...
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