There Is Much To Reflect On...

On the eve of the new year...

Every year, as the year comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on the past year; however, this year was different. I not only reflected on the past year, I reflected on the past ten years. Why? Because this is the last New Years Eve that I will celebrate in my thirties. 

Damn...

Reading that hit harder than I expected it to. I am excited about it, but still...

Anyway...

As I look back on the past ten years of my life, I look without regret. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned; that's life. People came and went, goals were made and achieved, memories were made and some forgotten; life happened. It's supposed to happen and if there is one lesson that I had to learn on repeat until I finally understood it (hell, it's almost repetitive in my posts), it's that change is going to happen. Whether we like it or not, fight it or not, it is going to happen. It took the last couple of years for me to realize that once I stopped fighting the changes, "going with the flow" flowed much easier for me.

It's funny because that's pretty much the lesson that 2023 drilled into me. From parenting to "dating" to when my job went on strike... Woooo, now that might have been the ultimate "go with the flow" lesson right there. Understand, I enjoyed being off for 47 days (only because I was off three days before the strike began), but not knowing when you will go back to work or whether you will have a job to go back to was extremely stressful. However, regardless of how we were portrayed on the news, I and many others made the most out of a stressful situation. I had never seen so much unity among my coworkers as I did during the days that we were on strike. (I miss those days.)

But I digress.

I look fondly back on the lesson that was drilled into me this year because that meant that I had to learn to accept not being in control. When I am not in control, I feel like my life is, in a way, out of control and that freaks me out.  However, once I accepted that not being in control wouldn't change the outcome of certain situations, I was able to relax, if that makes any sense. 

I also look back even further with appreciation for the lessons that I had to learn in the past ten years. I never imagined the experiences, emotions, trials, or tests that my thirties had for me, but I am thankful for them all. Nor can I imagine any of those things for my forties, but I welcome them with open arms and a learning mind. 

Tonight, I leave the last calendar year of my thirties and with it, all of my fears that held me back (and my gracious, were there many). As of midnight tonight, I will enter into my fortieth calendar year a stronger, wiser, and braver individual because I cannot fully accept change if I do not change as well...

When Something Calls Out For You...

 Eventually, you must answer...

That is how I feel about writing. 

This year, was a was not a kind year when it came to writing. I found myself with more writer's block about various topics than I have experienced in previous years. Ultimately, I chalk it up to my job and the mental stressors that came with it; which were quite a lot.

I love to write. Always have. Yet, multiple times throughout the last nine months, I found myself wondering if I had outgrown it. Wondering if it was something that I no longer felt "the need" to do. And you know what? The very thought scared the living shit out of me!

Why? Because the very foundation as to who I am as an individual is centered around the fact that writing is a part of who I am. It is what I do. It is what I am known for. IT IS ME...

When you know who and what you are, you can either embrace it or change it. I guess that is something that I will have to figure out as time goes on because I have not the slightest idea as to what I want to do when it comes to that side of me. 

To embrace or to change? That is the question.

Someone Grab A Shovel...

Because it's time to bury the past...

The past... A place where I no longer reside. A place that no longer holds me chained to memories and feelings that no longer suit me. A place that I walked away from when I realized it had the possibility to destroy my future.

I am no longer the same person that I was in the past; that person is dead and gone. Mourned for, but never forgotten. I mean, how can you forget someone who helped to shape you into the person that you are today? You don't.

The path to becoming who I am today was not an easy one. Frightenend by fear's whispers, I allowed myself to remain in a life that stifled all involved. Stagnant were the waters that should've bore bountiful nourishment. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 because it is. More often than not, people are okay with "living in the past" because it's "safe". Because it's "familiar". Never once taking into consideration how unhealthy such behavior actually is. Or the severity of the blowback the negative ramifications will have on any innocent bystanders. Nothing beautiful can grow within a garden suffocated by weeds... Or can it?

All the same, may a beautiful future flourish out of the soil where the past now resides...

When Time Stops...

Does it ever stand still..?

Thirteen months ago, time stopped for me...

It stopped in a way that time should never stop for an individual. It stopped in a way that is should never stop for someone who isn't mourning the loss of a loved one. It stopped in a way that it should never stop for someone who supposedly has all of their shit together. It stopped in a way that it should have never stopped for me. 

I once wrote somewhere, "I died twice in that moment, yet my pulse still showed a beat." 

I would lie to say that I wasn't broken as a result of all that transpired in that moment. A moment that I still can't bring myself to publicly discuss. I want to, Lord, knows how much I want to; but I can't. By doing so would then make this "nightmare" a reality. Would make my current reality even more real and my emotions are too raw for that. I would be forced to accept the obvious and by doing so, I would be snatched back to a reality that I never imagined myself having to live.

My life changed that day. My outlook changed. My heart changed. I changed...

I used to believe in "forever". I used to believe in "love". I used to believe...in something...

Gone is the person that believed in the impossible. Gone is the person that believed in herself... 

Boundaries Are Laid...

For a reason and if one cannot respect those boundaries, they have to go...

I am not one to enforce boundaries. Hell, to be honest, I'm not really one to have them. At some point in my life, I became such a people pleaser that I allowed people to walk all over me in order to "keep the peace"; ignoring how they made me feel as a result. 

 Long gone are those days though.

It took a lot for me to become the person that I am in this moment. The person that opens her mouth when she feels slighted and puts her foot down when she's had enough. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. It wasn't easy for me to get to this, and honestly, i still have my moments where I struggle with being as assertive about disrespect. Understand, I still have a tendency to give a person a chance or two before I halt behaviors that make me uncomfortable, but it doesn't go any further than that.

I said all of that to say that anyone who truly knows me, knows what it takes for me to speak up. If I tell you how I feel about something, it means that it truly bothered me and I didn't like it. 

Enforcing boundaries has been one of the many things in my life that has allowed me to grow mentally and emotionally. I cannot stand strong as a person, as a woman, or even as a parent, if I am not making sure that the people around me respect my boudaries. More importantly, I cannot stand strong as an individual if I allow unlimited access to those who continue to disrespect them.

This life is mine. This path is mine. My happiness is mine and anyone that fucks with that has to go. Immediately. 

"I will watch the embers to a bridge burn before I ever allow continued access to anyone who didn't have my best interests at heart." La Kata E.K.

Wasn't Sure About Posting...

But I couldn't let it go...

Saw some stuff on my social media timelines lately and I must say that people never cease to amaze me. 

Here's why:

The name calling, threats, and disrespect behind the choices a person makes with their own body is out of control. (i.e. getting/not getting vaccinated, having an abortion, changing one's gender).

Please understand, I get how passionate you may be about your stance, but being disrespectful to get your point across shows a level of immaturity, and ignorance, that is intolerable. 

While you are on the internet losing your shit, there's a child out there that's afraid to sleep at night because of the actual monster creeping in their bedroom. There's a child out there suicidal because they feel that death is their only escape. There's a child out there going without a meal; hell, there's a child going without period. 

There are REAL LIFE problems in the world that you SHOULD be battling, but you want to internet battle other people over their choices. 

*Trying to strong arm a person into getting vaccinated is not going to get them vaccinated any faster. 

*Telling a woman to keep a baby she doesn't want is only going to cause her to get rid of it some other way. 

*And talking down on someone for physically becoming who they always felt they were only shows how uncomfortable you are within yourself. 

Because She Is Who Created Me...

 And they are who made me...

As my mother: Part of who I am today is a result of watching the sacrifices my Mom made, and still makes, for me. I have never wanted her to feel like everything she's done was a wasted effort; I want her chest to swell with pride every time she looks at me. Why? Because she stayed when he chose to walk away... She carried the weight and responsibility of two people and she did so without any complaints (at least to us anyway, lol). She sacrificed so much for us; even though she never said it, we saw it. Therefore, she deserves to know that she is a part of the reason that I am as successful as I am.

As their mother: The other part of who I am today is because of my children. I decided after I had my daughter that I wanted my children to look at me with pride in their hearts; look up to me even. I am a determined individual because being their mother makes me this way. I have been determined to give them the best that I can, show them the best that I can, love them the best that I can. Part of who I am is because of them and because of them, I am always evolving into someone better; someone stronger.

I love them all with every fiber of my being. #MothersDay2021