There Is Just Something About Grief...

That I simply cannot grasp...

Grief is fickle sort of emotion; one minute, everything is okay and the next, it is not. 

Earlier this year, two relatives of mine passed away within four weeks of one another; my aunt on my father's side and my grandfather (their father). I had not spoken to my aunt since possibly my early twenties, but I was rather close to my grandfather. Her death, although unfortunate, did not hit me the way that my grandfather's death it me; it crashed into me like that of a freight train whose brakes no longer functioned properly and left me reeling. 

We did not talk as often in the last few years of his life because his memory was pretty much gone, but the last conversation we did have was one that I will remember always. I should have known then that death was inevitable; it generally is when your loved one loses their memory like that, coupled with all of the other side effects that comes with it. Yet, who is truly ready to accept that the end is near for someone that they hold dearly in their heart?

Forgive me; it seems like I am taking the scenic route to what it is that I am trying to say...

The other day, I was listening to a book and in the book, one of the main characters lost his grandmother. As the narrator was describing the young man's loss, I flashed to the day of my grandfather's service and the moment when his face came upon the screen with the words "In Loving Memory" underneath him. Tears instantly crept down my face and I did everything in my power to hide them from my coworkers. Of all the times of the day, it had to be while I was at work. Again...

That was how it was in those first couple of weeks when he passed. All the crying. All the sadness. All the memories playing on an endless loop in my mind. A place that I could not get out of even if I tried. You cannot escape what is inside of your mind, you know? I think that is why many people go crazy...

The grief hits me at random. It always does. Same goes for an aunt that passed in 2021 or an uncle in 1994. It seems as though no amount of time passing changes the sadness that comes with missing someone that is no longer on this side of the ground and that is what bothers me the most. Like, why does it still hurt? Why won't the pain go away? Hell, will it ever go away?

One would think that because death is as sure as the sun setting and the moon rising, we would be used to it by now. Fully accept it by now; however, that is not the case, nor will it ever be. At least not for me, and that is the part that seems to boggle me the most...