30 Days of Blogging: Day 6

Day 6: What is something that I am currently worried about?

I am currently worried about having to get a full hysterectomy.

Three years ago, in January, after noticing certain things weren't right, I found out that I had an ovarian cyst that was so large, my family doctor was worried that it would flip my ovary. He sent me to a gynecological specialist, a doctor that trained him, and after various tests and consultations, I found out that the cyst was an endometrioma, which forms as a result of having endometriosis (something I did not know I had because all prior paps came back negative for anything wrong). It was also filled with blood and is nicknamed "a chocolate cyst". I had it surgically removed that May. I also had an endometrial abrasion to help prevent any more cysts from growing. After that, the specialist became my regular gynecologist.

Fast forward to July of last year. Once again, I was noticing that things weren't right and after calling my gynecologist, we set up an appointment to be seen and to have some tests done. Lo and behold, the cyst had come back and was in the same spot that it was in years prior. I was given three options to alleviate the pain and to possibly stop the cyst from growing any larger: Get the Depo shot, get the Lupron Shot, or get a full hysterectomy."Why does it have to be a full one, can't I just get a partial?" His answer was simple, "No, because the cyst will have the opportunity to grow on the side that isn't removed."  I was overwhelmed with those choices so I left without making one; thinking that if I didn't think about it, then it wasn't real. Ignorant in thinking, but the mind does that when something overwhelms you.

I continued to not make a decision until one day, there was a pain so severe in my abdomen that it caused my husband to take me to the ER this past May. After having them confirm what I already knew the result of the pain was, I was ready to make a decision.

I got in touch with my gynecologist and made an appointment. When the appointment came, I sat with tears in my eyes as I told him that I wanted to have a hysterectomy. He asked about the other to options and I told him that Depo was out of the question and because Lupron was so expensive, I didn't event want the hassle of trying to get it only to be denied. He asked me if my insurance was willing to cover the Lupron, would I take it? He said that this would help to make sure that a hysterectomy was what I needed because it would throw me into an early menopause and stop the hormones that had been causing the cyst to grow. Because he had stressed to me in the past that he didn't feel comfortable with me being so young and having that surgery, I was willing to try the Lupron. I knew in my heart of hearts, that my health was very important to him and he would not steer me wrong. He made it known, and I was aware, that if the Lupron worked then that would mean that I would, unfortunately, have to have a hysterectomy.

I started getting the shots in July and I am due for my last one next week; two weeks before my consultation. The consultation that determines what happens to me next. Well, I already know. The Lupron has done what it was supposed to and that means that my doctor will have to do what needs to be done.

I am leery of surgeries, even though I have had a couple throughout my adulthood. For me, this surgery is different. This marks something mentally for me, only I can't seem to pinpoint what that something is. At first, I was okay with the idea... Wait, I'm lying. I was never okay with the idea; the reason I avoided going back to my doctor until an ER visit almost a year later. I don't know, I can't put my finger on it enough to explain it, but I am not okay with this.

I am angry at my body for betraying me in such a way that I have to have a major part of my insides removed. Understand, it's not about being able to have kids because I was blessed to have two. It's not about not having a period because I haven't had one of those in over three years. It's about something bigger. Something that I will never be able to explain to anyone...

Damn, this post turned out to be longer than intended...