30 Days of Blogging: Day 18

Day 18: What is something that I find myself thinking "What If" about?

Well, there are many "what ifs" that I find myself thinking about at random times but there is one that stands out the most. One that almost almost seems repetitive for those that know me or have heard me mention my father. I often find myself wondering "what if" my father and I had a close relationship.

I can't help but find myself wondering how things would be different if he had stayed completely active in my life. If he had continued to build on the father/daughter dynamic that he had started to build the moment I was born. Would my attitude toward people be different? My life be different?

I have trust issues and I have since my parents separated. They magnified as time passed and my father's behavior toward us seemed nothing short of a slap in the face. I don't trust very easy and I am very skeptical of anything that comes out of a person's mouth. If he and I had a close relationship, would those trust issues have even been a thing?

There are a lot of other things that I wonder about when I begin wondering what life would've been like if my father and I were close. but I dare not continue to list them. I'm trying to get over a pain that should've been gotten over a long time ago. Bury a thought that should've been put to rest the moment the writings on the wall were made very clear to me. But I guess some things are harder to let go than others. I don't know. What I do know is that as time passes, this "what if" will always be something that sticks in the back of my mind.