Pack It Up And Move It Out...

Because it's almost time to usher in a new year!

Every year, as the year wraps up, I like to look back on the last twelve months and reflect.

Today is no different.

Looking back, I had quite an emotional year. As I reflect on it all, I can't help but to appreciate that it all led back to a better understanding of self. Understanding oneself allows for growth to happen. It's not an easy task, delving deep within your own being and confronting your demons, but it's something that I recommend everyone to do.

When you accept who you are, who you truly are, you are then able to move forward in correcting everything else that can be changed about you. Though, we may grow older and our outlook on life may change, our core self does not. Inside, deep within, we are who we have always been. It's just a matter of grasping even a little bit of that that makes all of the difference in the world.

Turning thirty, for me, was probably the best thing that could've happened. Granted, I stayed depressed more than I stayed happy, but that was because I was finally facing my demons. Battling all that makes me a flawed individual in my eyes. Was it easy? Hell no, it wasn't easy, but when has accepting you're not as perfect as you previously assumed ever been easy?

Part of the process in my self discovery was taking accountability for my part in all of my past (and present) decisions. It involved me looking back on my past and acknowledging that I was where I was in life because of the choices and moves that I made or had a part in making. Instead of being mad at so-and-so for something they did that might have effected me, I had to be mad at myself. Accepting that I had complete control of my part in every situation that I previously claimed I didn't, was a hard and huge pill to swallow. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Another part of the process in my self discovery was forgiving those that I felt wronged me; be it something they did in my mind or something that they actually did to wrong me. The art of forgiveness was something that I refused to even attempt prior to this year (I'm a grudge holding master) but in order for me to move forward with my journey, I had to truly open my mind to forgiving people. (Believe me, the list seemed endless...) To truly forgive a person, I also for the most part had to forget what it was they did to me to begin with. Though it wasn't easy, in the end, I was able forgive and forget. With that, I began to learn to let things go.

Letting things go is an important process in self discovery. Whether it be people, material things, or memories, at some point you have to let them go. For me, I let go of some of all of the previously listed. If there was a person (family, friend, or foe) that was toxic to me in one form or another, I let them go. If there were material things that I was hoarding that had no emotional value or functional use, I let them go. But most importantly, if there were memories that caused me mental or emotional distress of any kind, I let them go.

We can escape a lot of things, but we cannot escape our mind. Within the recesses of our mind resides every memory of every moment that we've ever had. Even when our subconscious blocks out a certain memory for whatever reason, it's always going to be right there. I'm not saying that letting go of a memory is easy, but in a sense, it can be done. You can desensitize yourself from whatever emotional affect that memory has on you and by doing so, you allow yourself to let it go.

Another part of the process in my self discovery was accepting that there really are things that are out of my control. Granted, there are a lot of things that we as individuals have control over, there are still some things that we don't. For the things that we don't have control over, we can control how it is that we respond to them.  I can't control the weather. I can't control traffic. I can't control how a person reacts to me. I can't control my daughter's mood swings. I can't even control the fact that my entire family consists of a bunch of nut jobs. HOWEVER, I can control how I respond to all of that. I can always control my reaction and sometimes how you react to a situation is all that matters. It can be the difference between chaos and complete mayhem.

I feel that even though I've come a long way in my self discovery, I'm not done yet. I honestly don't think a person will ever be done learning about who they really are; they just come a little closer to understanding who they are and their impact on the world around them. I feel that as long as you are living, you are learning and as long as you are learning, you are growing. True growth never stops until death...

Bad Habits Often Don't Die...

Very easily. Especially, any that I've ever had...

So, I am currently working on a series of books that are geared towards young children, particularly ages 2 to 5. I have been diligently working on this project for, hmm, maybe the last two months there about and I hope to begin releasing them early next year. The entire time I have been working on them, I have been thoroughly excited about them.

Until now.

I don't know what it is or why, but with this excitement, suddenly there's fear.

The few people that I have shared the project with have been giving me nothing but positive feedback. I have been told that my excitement and enthusiasm about this project is contagious. That this project is going to be HUGE for me, especially as a writer. Good stuff, huh? I thought so too, but it's those dang on flutters that I get in my tummy when I think about it that suddenly has me wanting to freak out!

It used to be that the flutters were a sign to me. A sign that this is going to be something major. It was a feeling that I've never really felt before about anything I've worked on. I mean like, yeah I would get excited about each publication, but this is a different excitement. This is a full on shudder excitement. The kind that leaves you light headed afterwards. That kind that leaves you speechless. Eyes glistening with wonder at just the thought kind of excitement. And I think because the excitement is so intense, it's beginning to take on the opposite affect.

Even though I know what's going on and why it's happening, it's still a battle to overcome. Anytime something major is on the cusp of happening in my life, I suddenly back away from it, never seeing its complete success. For some reason, I suddenly become extremely overwhelmed. I know how foolish that sounds and as embarrassed as I am to admit it, it's true. But I can't let that happen any longer. The difference between now and then, though, is that I'm not going to allow my fear of success run me away from seeing this project through. Run me away from seeing the entirety of my dreams become reality.

I want this and dammit, I'm going to get it!

Because This Is A Time For Thanks...

So I'm going to tell you EXACTLY what it is that I am thankful for...

First and foremost, I am thankful for the many, MANY blessings that God has bestowed upon me and for the many blessings that God will continue to bestow upon me. But this is not what this entry is about.

This entry is about the fact that on numerous times God has picked me up when I was completely down and for that, I am grateful.

Many times this year, there were moments that felt like my mind was in its darkest hour. When nothing in my life made me happy and everything felt like a burden. Where dreams no longer existed and nightmares were ever present. When being alone made more sense to me than being surrounded by people. Where suddenly I had no clue as to who I was or what I was meant to be. When running away from my demons felt more like a solution than staying and confronting them. Where I tortured myself mentally on numerous occasions over the paths that I chose not to take. When being depressed was easier than being happy. Where my own mind had become my personal hell...

Through out ALL of that, God protected me.

I'm not going to say that I was an easy person to protect because I know that I wasn't. I didn't have the kind of faith in myself that God had in me and that left me open for the devil. I was weak and the devil preys upon that...

I had to strengthen my relationship with God and that allowed me to build strength within myself. I also had to accept that every battle within my life is not my battle to fight; that I needed to have faith in God to handle them. I also learned that any battle that I do fight, I'm not fighting them alone. In all actuality, I had a lot of learning to do and a lot soul searching to do. And it's not over yet...

Basically, I am thankful that no matter how broken I seemed to be, God never allowed me to break...

When Opportunity Knocks...

Swing open the damn door and embrace it!!!

That's all there really is to say on that matter, honestly.

I feel like multiple times opportunity has knocked on something of mine; a door, a window, my head and I've either looked the other way or ignored the sound all together. Reflecting on where missed opportunities has gotten me in life, has made realize that I allowed my fear of the unknown to override my desire to see myself succeed.

People don't miss opportunities on accident, it's something that they do on purpose; something like a choice if you will. You can CHOOSE to answer when opportunity knocks OR you can CHOOSE to ignore it. Either way, the decision is yours and yours alone. No one can make the decision for you; they can advise on the matter but they can't decide on the matter, because that is something that you have to decide on for yourself.

The moment that you realize that you have missed an opportunity and want to get it back, you must then go out and make an opportunity happen. Put yourself in the position to create an opportunity for yourself. Find doors and then kick them open. Take the bull by the horns and ride it to the ground until their isn't any buck in it left. Take charge of your situation(s) and make it work for you.

Every opportunity presented in life is meant to bring you that much closer to your goal. To your dream. To happiness. It's up to you to embrace these opportunities. When you embrace the opportunities that life presents, it will minimize the negative reflective moments that you will have about your past.

Life = Opportunities. Opportunities = Dreams. Dreams = Happiness. Happiness = Life.

It's just that simple....

Where There Is Darkness....

There is light. Where there is day, there is night.

Many things are cloaked in darkness. Some of our worst fears, deepest secrets, biggest regrets and private truths are kept in the dark. The darkness is there for a reason...

When the darkness becomes all consuming, it is then that we seek the light. However, it is something that we do by choice. On our own. One cannot be forced into the light unless they want to go. Nor, will anyone bearing a flashlight be welcomed.

What a person doesn't understand is that one HAS to be in the darkness in order to appreciate the light. There are people who want to be saved and there are others who don't. There are people who, in order to move forward, have to understand that moving backwards is not an option.

I have been so foolish in thinking that I live privately, when in all actuality, my life is completely transparent. My words as clear as cellophane. That does not work for me. I like my darkness. I embrace my darkness. I need my darkness. Most importantly, people cannot SEE me in my darkness...

I will find the light when I am ready, but for now, your flashlight isn't welcomed here...

Everyone Always Wears....

Two faces. One for the public eye and one where no one else can see...

Who you are and you are perceived to be are sometimes completely opposite. Your core being will always remain, no matter how many times you grow or change.

For a lot of us, it's takes a conscious effort to change, to grow, to become someone different. For others, it comes naturally. Those of us that have to battle our inner demon to become something else, fight hard! Some, like myself, fight to suppress the evil that lies within us, but there are others who fight to suppress the goodness within.

We are the way we are now because someone or something has caused us to be that way. Life, has caused us to be that way. I am kind hearted, caring, and sympathetic because life has made me that way, but that doesn't mean that I have always been that way. There are people who are cold, angry, and mean spirited but that's because life has more than likely made them that way as well. Rarely, have I known someone to remain true to their core personality.

Some people change and then later, wish to go back to their former selves; I am not one of those people. For me, I find more of an inner peace being who I am now. Who I used to be was a very unhappy and angry individual. Granted, I am more guarded than I once was, more observant, but in the grand scheme of things, I am a lot happier. Why? Because life has taught me that in order to survive, you need to be compassionate. In order to grow, you need to understand. In order to change, you need to be open minded. As I stated before, life has made me this way....

Relationships Went From Being Sacred...

To being the butt end of a joke...

My Husband and I have been together for almost fourteen and a half years but we've been married for almost six and a half years. I'm not going to say that it was easy, because it wasn't, but I will say that every troublesome moment has been worth it; those moments have allowed us to get to the peace and tranquility that we are enjoying today. The things that go on in our relationship are no one's business but our own and we make it a habit to keep it that way.

I'm noticing, more often than not, that there are a lot of people who treat being in a relationship like some sort of joke. Never at any given moment should anyone know the ins and outs of your relationship. An occasional, trusted, confidant (or even two) maybe but not ALL of those around you. Not everyone on any social network that you have an account with. Not random strangers on the street. Quite frankly, not even your family should really know the inner workings of your relationship.

If you truly want your relationship to work, then outside interference won't do.

When so many people know your business, then they feel entitled to give THEIR OPINION about YOUR BUSINESS. Nothing irks me more than when unwanted advice is given; especially on a situation that the person knows nothing about. If you make a decision that they don't agree with, then they feel like they have a right to be personally offended by it.

Infidelity, poor money managing, "baby momma/daddy" drama, domestic violence, horrible parenting, a questionable sex life; these are a lot of things that I see/hear about people that I don't even know, especially on a personal level. Smh. I guess some people just don't care what information they share with the world anymore...

Sometimes, All You Need...

Is. Just. One. Day...

Life gets hectic. The faster it goes, the faster we go with it. The slower it goes. the slower we go with it. Life is constantly on the move and therefore, so are we.

Oftentimes, we get so caught up in the steady pace of life that we forget about ourselves. We forget that our bodies need to rest. We even forget about our minds; they need to rest as well. We forget that all of our being needs to breathe, needs to be cared for, needs to be nurtured, but most importantly we forget that our being needs a rest.

I know that I certainly forgot lately.

On 9/5/14, I flew with my mother and brother for an overnight trip to Las Vegas. I had not been on a plane in about 22 years, so the plane ride there was an experience in and of itself. I am pleased to say that to and from Las Vegas, I came across some very nice people and that reassured me that all was not lost within humanity. Anyway, I had never been to Vegas and though we were only there for about a day, it was a break well deserved and most definitely needed. Seeing something different, new even, allowed me to rejuvenate myself enough to continue on with the steady pace in which my life had taken on. I was able to refresh myself so that any adversity that I faced, now seemed completely trivial in the grand scheme of things. It was pretty much exactly what I needed.

No matter what is going on in your life, ALWAYS take time out for yourself. Do something you love, see something new, take a mini vacay; it doesn't matter what it is as long you do SOMETHING. Sometimes, all you need is a day...

We are constantly on the move, but that doesn't mean that our being has to be. It's okay to just STOP every now and again because when you burn out, the world will still continue to spin...

Balloons Fly Higher and Higher...

With the more air that they are filled with...

I've been flying rather high since the release of "Treasure Chest" and I have no reason to come down. My state of mind is in a better place and my overall being is at peace. Whatever it was that I was previously going through, I think I might have found the strength to overcome it. And I'm not going to say that it was easy, because it wasn't. It took a lot of prayer and meditation, as well as "seeking help". I didn't seek help in the professional sense, but I did begin to talk about what it was that I was going through. I shared with others the state that my mental was in and I was blessed with their kind words and support. More than anything, their positive outlook was contagious. Contagious enough to bring me out of that black hole that I had taken up residence in.

I'm extremely big on pride. Like, I refuse to do anything that will weaken it, I guess. But sometimes, a person has to swallow their pride by the mouthful in order to get to that place that they so long dreamed about. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you wise.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good about the path that lies ahead of me. I get the feeling that there's nothing but positive things to come my way. Even if some negative things should arise, I've strengthened my mental state to the point that those negative things will not put a chink in my positive mind state. Because let's face it, everything in life depends on your mind state. It's all about how you perceive a situation that will determine whether or not it makes or breaks you and quite frankly, I'm tired of being broken...

Sometimes all it takes...

Is submerging yourself in something bigger than yourself to bring you back to the here and now...

I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling rather down lately. If one were to ask why, my answer would be that I didn't know. Why? Because I didn't. I can't explain the sudden depression or where it came from but I'm feeling a lot better. Maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I published my third poetry book yesterday. I don't know but I submerged myself so completely into something that I love that when I came up for air, my storm cloud was gone.

Hmm... That might be a lot of my problem lately.

I find myself so consumed with being a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and aunt that I haven't had time to be a writer. Hell, to just be me. I have to remember that before all of those roles, I come first. That if I burn myself out or allow myself to fall off the edge, none of those roles will matter because I will no longer exist. And my existence is vital, if to no one else but me...

I Love Being Clothed...

But now it's time for me to love being naked just as much...

The more I promote my work, the more exposed I feel. Completely bare. In the company of strangers no less. Naked for all of the world to see.

I honestly feel like no matter how much notoriety my work garners, I will ALWAYS feel as if I'm exposing my bare self to the world. I want to say that I'll eventually get over that feeling, but it hasn't shown signs of going away. I want to believe that I'll feel beyond confident about sharing my thoughts and feelings with others, but I feel more and more guarded the more I write.

I want to be one of those poets that engage readers in an open discussion about certain poems that they've written or is open minded about any kind of criticism that they receive. I want to be, but I'm not. I don't feel comfortable at all discussing certain poems that I've written and I always pray that I don't receive any negative criticism because my feelings would end up seriously hurt. Yes, I know. I sound like a wimp but it is what it is. I'm so sensitive at heart that it makes absolutely NO sense and some things, my little heart just isn't ready for.

One day though, I feel that will all change. I'm aiming for greatness and I can't have anything holding me back from attaining that greatness. Not my feelings and especially not my nakedness...

Time To Get Out The Scissors...

Because I'm finally cutting these ropes...

Lately, I have found myself so ridiculously stressed out. It honestly makes NO sense whatsoever that anyone should be this stressed out for practically NO reason.

BUT...

As I have come to do in all stressful situations, I'm cutting out what stresses me. My well-being, is at stake. I cannot allow for my mental, physical, or emotional health to falter, especially with what I have planned. I need all of my strength so that my dream(s) will come to fruition.

There must be something on the horizon for me because these roadblocks that are popping up in my path are coming from out of nowhere. They seem to be coming from out of nowhere anyway. Then again, maybe these moments are reminders that I stand alone in the world. Surrounded by many but completely alone.

I don't know, but before I allow stress to render me helpless, I'm going to do everything in my power to live a stress free life.

Someone pass me the scissors, please?

I am lost...

And I can't seem to find me...

Lately, again, I've been feeling like I don't know what my purpose in life is. What am I here for? What I want to truly do with my life for that matter.

I feel so lost. Like, I'm here but I'm not. No real sense of direction and sometimes no true urge to get any. I can't help but to wonder, is that even normal? I always thought that the older I became the more clear my path would be, but that's not the case at all. It's as if the older I become, the more muddled up my path seems; like my visibility for the future is minimal.

I know what I want to do and I think I know what I have to do, the main thing is to just do it. Do it. Do it. But for some reason, I've gotten rather gun shy with "just doing" anything anymore. I don't know why though. Guess I have some more self discovery on the horizon in order to break through the sudden barrier that I've apparently created...

What If Dreams Were Hallucinations...

Would they still be considered dreams?

We grow up imagining a certain lifestyle for ourselves, a certain career, but what if what we dream doesn't really exist? What if our dream job isn't truly meant for us? What if... What if...

Lately, I find myself gravitating more and more to proofreading than to writing. Like, I simply LOVE to write, but it's seems like I've grown to love to proofread even more. I almost feel like I'm betraying myself because I have always wanted to be a die hard writer but now, I don't...

I find it kind of cool to get to be "behind the scenes" as a book is in the publishing phase. It's almost like you know a secret that the world isn't privy to yet. You were privileged enough to be the "chosen one" to carry out such a task as important as proofreading another writer's work. And even more so, you were trusted enough not to give away book details.

Being a proofreader can be pretty heavy stuff, but you know what? I'm completely ready for it. I've been proofreading for a close friend for years, now it's time that I take that leap and proofread for others as well. 

Bring it on...

Regrets and Accountability....

Don't necessarily mix to me...

For a long time, I've always felt that people should take accountability for their actions but in the last year, I've been stuck on it. My whole thing is that if you say something or even do something, it's because you wanted to do it. It's that simple. Right?

Now enter in Regret.

I've never fully understood how a person had regrets about saying or doing something they truly wanted to do. Granted, I've recently written a poem about having regrets about the path I've chosen, but as far as my actions to those around me, I regret nothing. Yes, I feel that if I could have done something in my life differently, I would've, but that's only when I begin to resent the path that I'm currently on. As far as my relationships with people go, I don't regret how they've turned out. Why? Because there are multiple variables involved when dealing with people; each person plays an intricate role in how the relationship dynamics unfold. However, when it comes to your personal choices/decisions, you are the only variable in the equation.

Anyway, back to what I was saying.

I don't feel that accountability and regrets necessarily mix because when you think about it, by regretting something you've said or even done to a person, you're kind of in a way, shrugging off any accountability that you might've had in the situation. I mean, granted, that pretty much goes with anything and in that aspect, it almost makes me a hypocrite of sorts. The whole point that I'm trying to make is that in all actuality by claiming you regret something, you in turn are not taking accountability for your actions. Maturity comes when you are willing to be held accountable for any role that you may have had in any dissolution of any relationships that you no longer have. Does that mean that you have to be proud of your role? No. What it means is that you did it and you take 100% responsibility for it. If the situation were to arise again, you might actually do the same thing over. In the event that you might choose a different path instead of the one that you previously traveled, does that mean that you regret your actions? No. It just means that you are wise enough to know that what you previously did, didn't work.

I don't remember where I was going with that. I had a great thought and just like that, I lost it...

Faith Is Like A Magic Carpet...

That lies dormant until stepped upon...

There have been many times throughout my adult years that I have relied solely on Faith and Faith alone. Never once was I ever let down. I understand that there are some people who are skeptical of God and the unknown; understandably so. For some, their belief relies solely on Science and for others, our belief relies solely on Faith. It is the way of the world, the way of life, the way of existence. 

Anyway, back to what I originally began to say.

Oftentimes, I have made some pretty questionable moves [to some] in life all on the sole premise of "a sign" that I was given. To a few, it sounds and seems farfetched but to those that believe as well, it makes complete sense. When I pray about a dilemma in my life, I usually receive a sign. Sometimes, I get a rainbow at that perfect moment (my favorite sign of all) letting me know that I am making the right decisions and sometimes I have something borderline disastrous happen that lets me know that that is not a move I need or want to make. It just all depends on what it is that I pray about and how much attention I am paying to ensure that I receive my sign. 

I have countless times that I remember when there was something plaguing me and the sign I received as an answer. I generally don't ask for signs when making minor moves or changes, just guidance. Hmm, I guess sometimes I receive a sign for those moments too. It's when I have something seriously major going on and I haven't the slightest idea which direct to turn, that I pray. Thinking about it now, I never ever really ask for a sign, I only ask for guidance in all situations; the sign is given to me as a form of direction.

It's amazing what happens when you "Listen To God". My friend, Nakia, and I once had a discussion about signs. It was around the time that I decided to leave my job and I was telling her everything that was going on and why I had faith that leaving was the right decision. I was telling her that I knew that God was trying to get my attention and if I didn't fully give it to him, he would find other ways to get it. She then told me, "Listen when God whispers, because you don't want him to yell." That one simple statement made so much sense to me because for years, that's how my life seemed. Every time God tried to subtly get my attention, I would ignore Him; it was when something major happened, that I was all eyes and ears. That to me, showed my immaturity because only a child continues to disobey when they are told to do something. 

Anyway, I jumped again. Back to what I was saying. It's amazing what happens when you "Listen To God". When I listen to God and step out on Faith, everything else in my life seems to fall into place perfectly. It's as if magic, or dare I say miracles, begin to happen. Things that I couldn't have planned better begin to take form. Even when the road gets a little bumpy, I know that God is watching over me and that I'm just passing through a storm. One that will prove my strength and my Faith in the end. 

I can't explain it, but Faith has carried me through many a moments when I know I couldn't have carried myself...

And Yet Another Member...

Has joined the "Dead Poet's Society"...

I cannot articulate how heartbroken I am over the recent passing of Maya Angelou, but I am. Just thinking of her causes my eyes to swell with tears that threaten to spill over. I am just that hurt...

I first learned of her in fifth grade at school and every year after that. She didn't quite catch my interest until I was in eighth grade and I found the desire to write. My English teacher was teaching us about poetry and she was one of the poets featured. Something about the way she wrote just captured me right in that moment and I knew that if I were to ever become a poet, I wanted to be like her. Her style, her depth, her realism just did something to me; I believed in that moment that that was how poems were supposed to be written and so, I began to write. The rest is history...

I'm not one to believe in idols but if I had to have one, she was it...

"I feel like I've lost a part of me,
Growing up, that's who I wanted to be,
Her words, her style, her everything,
Now forever a spirit in poetry..."
~La Kata E.K.~

R.I.P. Maya Angelou

One Should Never Be So Quick...

To cut off their nose to spite their face...

Growing up, I didn't fully understand what that meant. As I continued to get older, it made more and more sense to me. For a long time, I found myself moving rather swift with whatever sharp object you can think of. It's been only recently that my snipping fingers have become too cramped to cooperate. Which helps because you learn valuable lessons when you're not so quick to act. Basically, I've matured enough to appreciate the meaning of that saying and to know better than to make rash decisions.

(Personal Alert)

In the last four months about, I've cut off MULTIPLE friends and family members and I stress the word "multiple" because it's beginning to add up to too many to count. At first, I felt as if I acted too swiftly, but as time passed and more reasons surfaced, I realized that I made the right decisions. Some people can't understand my positioning, but what they don't realize is that when a person gets fed up, they get fed THE HELL up. I am one of those people.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I take trust and loyalty VERY seriously. Dangerously seriously. If you can't provide me the comfort of either, then titles be damned; I want NOTHING to do with you. And when I say "nothing", I mean it in every sense of the word. I've had to tone it down a bit because I would get good and annoyed at anyone who said a person's name that I wasn't speaking to. I would become extremely disgusted at myself for reminiscing on a positive memory involving a person that I no longer spoke to. It was getting to the point of poisoning my soul and that is never healthy. So I prayed and meditated until the pain of their indiscretions no longer hurt me; until their names were just simply words instead of words weighed with negative feelings. It took some time, but I'm doing rather okay now. I have to look out for me and my well-being, because what is important to me, isn't always important to others. So I have forgiven and I have even forgotten; by "forgotten",  I mean what they've done and them all together....

My Blog Tour

Find Me On: Amazon, Facebook,Goodreads, and Lulu!

Latest Release: "A Deeper Me"

Shout out to Raven St. Pierre! She is an amazing friend and an even more amazing writer! She is the reason that I'm stepping out of my box with the intent to take the literary world by storm!! Check out her blog here!

What am I working on?
Currently, I am working on multiple projects, but there are three in particular that I am focusing on. The first project is the Second Edition of my first poetry book, “The Growth of a Writer, The Depth of My Soul.” I'm changing the layout a bit and combing over every verse because the First Edition had so many errors that I was too mortified to promote it properly. The second project is my first erotic poem/short story book. Literary erotica plays an intricate role for those who are not really all that into watching it. I began working on it years ago and out of fear of outside opinions, put it on the back burner. It wasn't until recently that I decided to start back to working on it. I can't be who I am as a writer if I allow the opinions of others to dictate what it is that I write. The third project that I am working on is my first women's fiction novel. I actually began writing it years ago just as a pass time but thanks to a close friend, I've decided to put more time into it and actually finish it. Granted I'm only on like page 20 right now, I've come to the conclusion to not rush the process because by forcing it, I literally shut down. With me being so used to writing poetry and shorts stories, keeping a straight thought for more than a page or two is seeming to be quite the challenge.

How does my work differ from others in its genre?
Quite frankly, I don't know. Recently, I was told by a close friend that my writing is “transparent” and at first I didn't know how to take that, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I don't write with any hidden agendas or subliminal messages, I write exactly how I feel, exactly how things are, and exactly how things should be. I'm not afraid to take the bull by the horns and say what needs to be said. I don't recall ever writing anything that has left the reader completely perplexed in the sense that they no longer want to read future works of mine. More so than anything, without even trying to, I want to make sure that the reader can relate to what it is that they are reading because I feel that builds something like a bond between the author and the reader.

Why do I write what I do?
I write what I do because it's what I've been doing since I was 13 years old. Writing has been a form of therapy for me; a release for me when there weren't any others. My poems could practically be entries in my journal. Some of my very first poems are ones that surround the divorce of my parents. I've never been very good with talking to people about what I was going through and I'm even worse at finding the words to describe it, so writing seemed like a perfect fit for me. For years, and sometimes now even, a paper and pen are my only friend and at the end of the day I'm okay with that.
I prefer writing poetry over anything else because I feel like a poem can get so much said in so few words. It's as if you can tell an ENTIRE story and express THOUSANDS of emotions in just a few lines. Sometimes, short and simple is all you need.

How does my writing process work?
I've never actually had to think about that before. Honestly, if there were a process, this is how it is: something affects me and I instantly feel like I should write about it. Words immediately start to flow into my head, organizing themselves and falling into place as my mind plays "cold, warm, hot" with my emotions. Sometimes, words don't fit or fall where I think they should and I have to focus until a stanza sounds just right to me. Whatever I have access to is where I jot the poem down at. It could be a napkin, a receipt, the notepad in my phone, a messenger chat box, whatever. When the poem is finally complete, I read it over multiple times and sometimes say it out loud to see how it feels on my lips. After it's completed, I save it in a file and move on. Very rarely do I go back and read over something I've written. I think that's mainly because of the weighted emotion that I put into my writing, I don't always like to experience that again. For the most part, I know exactly why I've written every poem that I have and to go back and read some of them, is like ripping a band-aid off of an open wound. I can't really explain it, but I'm not really the kind of writer that constantly like to relive the moment.



Next Authors Up Monday, May 5th:


Sable Jordan

Stories so whet you'll want to lick my INK!
Quick and dirty, I'm a writer of multicultural erotica, erotic thrillers, and whatever else comes to mind. Tattooed vixen. Wicked humorist. Incurable humanist. Proud geek. Closet badass (shhh...) Lover of pit bulls, fast cars, all music, and candy. That's the nut in a nutshell.

Come hang with me: my website or my blog.


Chris Van Hakes

Chris Van Hakes is a writer and librarian based in Seattle. She loves love. She also likes magical things such as novels, high-fat foods, the Internet, unicorns and you.

You can visit her and say hi at her blog or on Twitter: @booksnchickens.



Be on the look out for works from this up and coming author!!!


Alisca Nalls

Alisca Nalls born in Alabama residing in Michigam. 29 Years old. Had a passion and love for writing since the age of 11. Writing is my escape from the world. Love to write uplifting poems and poems that women can relate to. Working on my first book no title yet. Love helping others and giving back.

Get to know me through my blog.

Memories Are Reminders...

Of what was will never be...

Have you ever found yourself despising your memories? Not regretting the moments but angry at the fact that you can remember them? Well, I have. Am actually...

I think it's because I have an ample amount of time on my hands so I have plenty of time to think, but my memories anger me. The good ones, the bad ones, and even the ones that just were. I know that having your memory is a huge blessing but right now, I would rather be cursed...

All of my memories remind me of "what was". Moments that have happened that will never happen again; all a constant reminder of the past. People, places, things, and actions. Disappointments and let downs. Accomplishments and pride. Almosts and wasn'ts. What are memories but constant reminders off what's no longer mine? (Sigh)

To remember or to forget? That is the ultimate question....

"I'm beginning to despise my memories,
Moments engraved in my mind,
The good, the bad, the inbetween,
Reminders of what's no longer mine..." - La Kata E.K.

On The Eve Of My Thirties...

I reflect on all that my Twenties has taught me. Both good and bad, lessons were laid upon me like a hailstorm...

March has been a long month for me. One that's been full of reflecting and soul searching. So many moments I fell into "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" thinking; became angry at myself for paths I didn't take when given the opportunity. On more than one occasion, I found myself reminding myself that I am who I've become BECAUSE of the paths that I've taken, the choices that I've made. My faith became my savior the moment I realized that the devil was trying to make me his servant. Though, I cannot truly put into words the mental and emotional trip I've been on, I thank God for pulling me through it...

And so with that said, I share with you some of my lessons...

·Your faith will ALWAYS get you through
·You can't trust everyone
·People are never who you believe them to be
·No matter how selfless you are, there's always someone that's selfish
·Never put your goals and dreams on hold for anyone
·Family will do you wrong in the WORST way
·Lifelong friendships means nothing if one of you are insecure
·People only want to know your business so that they can repeat it
·Be VERY selective with whom you loan money to
·Sometimes the "drama" that we find ourselves involved in was something that we brought upon ourselves
·Accountability is important
·Never jeopardize years of stability for a temporary curiosity
·Parenting makes your outlook on life change and matures you faster than anything else
·Life is full of hardships but the hardships make you stronger
·Everyone is battling some type of demons
·It doesn't make you selfish to sometimes put yourself first
·Men and woman CAN strictly be friends
·Every man and woman should have at least one friend of the opposite sex
·When boundaries are set, enforce them
·A healthy relationship requires growth
·Lack of communication can destroy even the strongest of relationships
·Never change completely, someone thinks you're perfect the way you are
·Opinions really are like buttholes
·Dreams and goals only have the limitations that you set on them
·Remain humble in all that you do
·Listen when God whispers because you don't want him to yell
·Material possessions do not determine the character of a person
·Often, your smallest accomplishments are your biggest ones

There are so many more lessons that I've learned that I could list, but I'm not. Just know that I'm going to go into my Thirties a lot stronger and wiser than I was while in my Twenties...

One Must Learn To Accept...

That time waits for no one...

(Sigh)

I will be 30 in less than two weeks and I feel more scrambled and unsure about everything in my life than I have ever felt before. I know what this is a direct result of and I keep telling myself that I'm over thinking it, but we all know that we are our own worst enemy.

I have set my standards so high lately that even I can't attain them! That, is ultimately, what my current mental downfall is. I feel like I should be so much further in EVERYTHING in my life right now, but I'm not. In some aspects I feel like I've back tracked, in others, I feel like I'm just sitting stagnant. More so than usual, I find myself reminding myself that I must be patient. That I must continue making the moves that I can yet all the while exhibiting a strong amount of patience.

Ha, patience! I never really was one to have too much of that...

My faith has taught me so much about my timing and God's timing and yet sometimes I find myself completely stuck on my timing. The best lessons are the most humbling ones and I don't know if I have it in me to be knocked out humbled again. I mean, if God sees to it, it will happen but for now I am trying to strengthen myself enough and discipline myself enough to where God wouldn't have to go out of his way to give me any friendly reminders; therefore, I have to keep in mind that there isn't really a such thing as "my timing" at all. 

I don't know. With age comes wisdom and with life comes lessons, so I guess I just have to remember that I'm not getting "older", I'm getting "wiser". Sounds good for now anyway...

Regret doesn't live here...

But apparently anger does...

The one thing that I thought I wanted the most, wasn't really meant for me to have. I was so close to getting it, or so I thought I was, but close wasn't close enough. I even wrote multiple poems about it to purge it out of my system, but apparently that didn't work; the residue from the adrenaline rush that the chase gave me still lingers, now stronger than ever before. Do I regret wanting it as much as I did? No, I'm just angry that I didn't get it. And I tried hard too, oh believe me, I tried. But ultimately, as much as I thought that I was in control of the outcome, I wasn't in control at all. Just a sheep living a sheep's life while trying to play with wolves...

It's Easy To Become A Liar...

When it's hard to tell the truth...

Lies are told every day. Some lies are told all day long. I like to believe that I am a pretty honest person but even I have told a lie or few in my lifetime.

The older I become, the more guarded I tend to find myself. It's sad and funny at the same time. Sad because no one in their lifetime should ever feel that good intentions within people no longer exist. Funny because the more open I become with my writing, the more I seem to let my guard down with allowing people a glimpse into my life.

Lately, however, it seems that I keep going over my relationships with people. The positive ones and the negative ones; even the ones that are just "there". I keep finding myself focusing on the words of these people. On the promises kept and the promises broken. Anyone that knows me knows how serious I take a promise.

Promises to me are in a sense like a guarantee that you are a person of your word. It shows me that I can truly trust you and even though that might not make sense to some, it makes sense to me. If you cannot prove to me to be a person of your word then technically you are nothing but a liar as far as I am concerned. I think that's what truly bothers me the most; the very people that I thought I could trust without a doubt, turned out to be the biggest liars of all...

Trust is fragile; once it's been damaged, it's hard to make new again...

When The Thought Of Success...

Turns into a paralyzing fear; that is when you have to acknowledge that you a problem....

Last week, I was featured in the launch edition of an online magazine (Urban Cache Magazine). I was excited about it and it was pretty cool because that was the second time that has happened to me. In 2012, I was featured in the launch edition of another online magazine (L'Amour Divine). A few years back, I was asked to be a guest speaker for a group of young girls because I was a positive influence. Twice, I was asked to be the guest speaker in my old Lit Professor's class; she deemed me the "Poet Laureate" of her class. I enjoy these moments because this is what I strive for. Or at least I thought I did...

As I stand by a friend and fellow writer, I'm able to watch all of her dreams come true through her talent. She's been such an inspiration and that's what I want for myself. That's what I keep telling myself that's what I want anyway...

The very thought that my dreams might actually come true strikes a fear deep within me that I'm actually embarrassed to speak about. Like a dear caught in headlights, I am riddled with a paralyzing fear. I can't exactly put my finger on the exact reason why, so I don't even try to. I honestly don't think that it has anything to do with the exposure, but more or less, the personal aspect of it all...

That friend that I previously mentioned, said that she loves my writing because it's "transparent". One does not have to guess or weed through what it is that I want to say and I suppose that makes sense. I mean really, why beat around the bush? But like, my writing is ME. It's a form of ME. It's an expression of ME. It's the exposure of ME...

Right before I left my job, I sold about 50 copies of "A Deeper Me" and that was awesome coming from me! I shied away a couple of times but then those times were few and far between. Word of mouth helped too. I was grateful that no one really wanted to discuss a particular poem because that is when I truly withdraw. Well, on one or two occasions, there were a couple of people that felt the need to discuss and dissect a poem that caught their eye and I'm not going to lie, the entire conversation had me wishing I were somewhere else. It was awkward for me to the point of being painful. To the reader, they are just words but to the writer, THIS writer, it's my life...

Time To Get Out The Umbrella...

Because blessings are raining down...

I whole heartily believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power gives us answers when we seek them; whether or not they are what we want to hear, we are given answers. And most importantly, I believe in signs...

I believe that God gives us signs so that we know that we are travelling along the right path to our destiny; yes, I believe in destiny. I also believe that our lives are already planned out.

(Personal Alert)

Lately, I made the life changing decision to leave my job of 14 months, making $16 an hour with full benefits, to go back to being a Stay At Home Mom. Why? Because my children needed me. Before my job, I stayed home with my children while my husband worked. Once our children were old enough to go to school, I got a job. I made a promise to my husband that if it ever came down to having to choose either my family or my job, then my obvious choice was my family. That, is ultimately what it came down to...

Through out the entire year that I worked at my job, I was given the signs. Some were small but there were a few quite obvious ones; all the same, I didn't take heed to any of them. Time went on and though my professional life was fine, my home life seemed to be falling apart... (Major Sign One)

As time further went on, I was able to put back together some of the broken pieces of my home life, only to have my professional life crumble to the ground. The cause: because I did my job too well... (Major Sign Two)

It wasn't something that I instantly jumped into doing. I first wanted to change shifts at my job and when that didn't pan out, I began looking for other jobs. The entire time while I was doing that, I just kept praying for guidance and eventually, my Husband came to me and said that I didn't need to find a job. That I should just take some time to get myself together and everything in order; that I had worked hard enough as it was and that I needed a break. I took that as a blessing in disguise.

What really told me that I was doing the right thing, was what followed next. All the signs were there. Everything that I was doing prior to working, started slowly falling back into my lap once I decided to stop working. My jewelry line, my poetry, me as an editor. Those were the things that I was into prior to and once I decided to leave, I had customers lined up for all of those things. To me, those were my "snowflakes". Imagine how snowflakes fall down; they layer neatly and perfectly one on top of the other, right? Well, that's how my blessings have been falling, telling me that those were signs from God letting me know that I had finally made the right decision after all....

Leave it to the unprepared...

To wish to be prepared...

Courtesy of Mother Nature, I was taught a very valuable lesson the last few days: never wait until the last minute to do something that should've been done yesterday.

I hate to admit it, but I have a tad bit of procrastinator in me. Yes, yes, it's true! I cannot believe it myself, more or less, I just refused to believe it about myself. For everything that I am timely on, there is just that one thing that I can't help but to push off until the last minute. Well, not anymore.

On January 5th, Mother Nature decided to grace us with the worst weather I have experienced in OH yet! It was so bad that the county that I currently reside in was at a Level 3 for about three days!! It was so bad that the plant that I currently work at sent us home early and they NEVER do that!! Basically, it was downright bad. A Level 3 pretty much means that unless you're city or emergency personnel, you don't have any business out on the roads. If caught on the roads, you face a citation and/or possible jail time. So yeah, the storm that hit the MidWest was rather a serious one to say the least.

But anyway, back to where I was going with this. I was so unprepared mentally that I almost went stir crazy stuck in the house! Granted, I was not alone but when you feel trapped, you just feel trapped. Had I mentally accepted the fact that the storm was as serious as it was being made out to be, I might've acted accordingly: completely hysterical. But I was so laid back and nonchalant about it that when I finally realized that it was bad, it was too late.

I can't explain it, but I do know that even your mental requires proper preparation for certain situations...