My Life Matters...

And yet, there are still people in the world that says it doesn't... 

I am a black woman. I have experienced racism, that I can remember, since I was 10 years old. Sometimes, it's been absolutely blatant and other times, not so much. However, each time, I was reminded of the fact that I was born with a skin color that is hated by some and feared by many. 

The current state of unrest does nothing to change the fact that there are, and will always be, racist people in the world. Some people like to cling to their ignorance and that's okay; however, it is not my job to change them. You can only speak logic to a dummy for so long before you begin to feel like a dummy as well and I, for one, refuse to feel like a dummy.

I commend those of you who are constantly calling out the racist people. Debating with the racist people. Posting facts for the racist people. However, I just can't do it any longer. And I am tired.

As my cousin, Jhortann, so eloquently reminded me, "Black mental health matters." She's right. My mental health is wavering right now and for the sake of what's at stake, it's time to unplug for awhile...

Make It Make Sense...

Because I think I'm a bit confused...

A few minutes ago, I saw a post that made reference to 9/11 and how the US has never forgotten. Every year, it is recognized because the vast amount of damage that terrorists caused, "changed the nation forever".

However, the KKK is the largest terrorist cell in the US and yet, we have been conditioned to conveniently forget every act of terrorism they have committed against the black community. From yelling derogatory slurs at them in the streets, to burning crosses in their front yards, to burning down their buildings WITH them in it, to public lynchings, and so much more. 

How is it that when a foreign enemy attacks us, we are taught to never forget, but when a domestic enemy attacks its own, we are taught to never remember?

That Is All...

To all of my "non-black" friends on social media,

There are some of you that would lay your life down on the line for me and I, for you. Your understanding of what's happening in the world right now and your willingness to stand for what's right is what makes the blood pump stronger in my veins. You have proven time and again, and not just on social media, that it doesn't matter who it makes uncomfortable, all people should be treated equally. It's what has made my love and respect for you as strong as it has become. 

There are some of you that are wanting to be allies and we need a lot of those right now. Continue to be willing to learn, to ask questions, to keep your eyes open and understand that there is a difference in the way that black people are treated compared to EVERYONE else, but especially compared to white people. Be willing to hear what our plight is and be willing to understand that what is currently going on is more than what some people are trying to say that it is. It's not about destruction and looting at all, it's about centuries of oppression. Centuries of being used as the scapegoat when ANY RACE decides to commit a crime. Murderers have walked free all because "a black man did it" was their trump card. 

Then, there are some of you that are completely clueless and absolutely tone deaf and willing to remain that way. If I see an ignorant post that you created or if I see ignorant comments from people you know on a post you've created and you're not challenging those people, hell, if I have to even question where you stand, I will cut you the fuck off. No questions asked. I don't care how many years we have known one another, it'll be snip snip, little bitch. Trust me, I have cut people off for less. Heed my warning. 

Oh, What A Time To Be Alive...

Because I never thought  I would see the day...

So, I am lying here, going down a Twitter feed that is sharing images from different countries worldwide of protestors packed in the streets and can you guess what I'm doing? 

Crying. 

Yes, I'm crying. 

I don't know if any of this will evoke the change that we need, that we so longed for, but to be alive during a time eerily similar to the one some of us have only read about, the one that happened less than 55 years ago, gives me a feeling that I cannot put into words. 

We are watching history in the making. We are living through a chapter in future generations' history books. These are the moments that life was made for. 

Good, bad, or indifferent, this is life and quite frankly, I've never felt more alive!

Fear Comes In Many Forms...

For awhile mine was hidden in silence...

I don't even know where to start right now. So, maybe I will just dive right on in.

I wanted to write this post a long time ago, but I felt that it was pointless because I would be writing this during a time that everyone is feeling some kind of emotion with what is currently going on. For those of you that read this years from now, this was a year that mankind was in trouble. This was a year that many of us never thought we would ever get a chance to live through. This was a year of a pandemic. 

Covid-19 also known as "The Corona Virus" is a virus that is effecting people by the thousands and taking them out by the hundreds, but that is not why I am writing this.

I am writing this because today, President Trump extended our quarantine (which went into effect last Monday) until April 30th. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to maintain my mental composure when the original quarantine went into effect (with my birthday being April 1st and all), today, I damn near lost it. If you have read my previous posts, you will know that I don't adapt to change very well. Well, this is a kind of change that feels like it is more than I can handle. Temporarily laid off of my job, can't really leave my house unless I need "essentials", things of that nature that occurred all in a matter of days are huge changes to have to adapt to so quickly. 

From the moment the news started sharing what was happening in China (a couple months ago), I knew this was something to be taken seriously. On the outside, I downplayed it as best as I could, but on the inside, I was always seconds away from unraveling. So much so, that I eventually had to force myself to put it out of my mind. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I cannot allow myself to stress out at all; my health does not allow me to stress, even a little bit.

Anyway, I completely understand why the quarantine is in place and I think that's what scares me the most. This isn't something that can be controlled. This isn't something with a predictable pattern that can be figured out. This is something that is a monster of its own.

We are currently fighting in a battle that we have no defenses for; who knows what will happen when it gets to the war...

All It Took Was A Song...

And I found my soul shattered...

A couple of years ago, Demi Lovato almost overdosed. The other day, she sang the lyrics of my soul. (Demi Lovato - Anyone)

There comes a time in most people's lives when all they want out of this life is for someone to listen to them. Anyone. Those times that I speak of, those times... Those are the times that I find myself having more often than not.

I wish it weren't true, but it is.

I have gone through enough stuff throughout my life that I have found myself, down on my knees, crying out. For what you may ask? For help. For strength. For love. For guidance. For any damn thing, but never in the moment that I need them, do those cries get heard. For me to cry out, means that I am not feeling as strong as I think I should be. For me to cry out, means that I am feeling at my lowest. For me to cry out, means that I am feeling my weakest.

For me, it means that I am in my darkest hour.

Whenever I find myself in my darkest hour, I find my soul asking, pleading, then begging for someone to listen to me. For someone to acknowledge that they heard my cries and tell me that they are there with the answers and/or solutions. Hell, even if they are not there with any of that stuff, then tell me that that stuff is on its way.

Sometimes, I just want an answer.

Life is a complicated journey, and oftentimes, one too confusing to navigate. We do not get compasses or road maps, but we have our beliefs. We are also given certain people in our lives. Both of which are meant to guide you on your journey in some way at some point in your life as well as be there when you cry out.

However, sadly sometimes, even they are not listening...

Some Say Silence Is Deadly...

But I function the best when there isn't any noise...

That, honestly, sums up 2019 for me in a nutshell. I didn't really post anywhere nor did I really discuss anything with anyone. For the most part, I even cut myself off from people as well. I look back on 2019 and I don't really regret my decision to remain silent either.

Moving in silence is always best when you are trying to take care of yourself and that is one thing a lot of people often forget about: self care. I took this entire year to take care of myself, both mentally and physically, and I allowed myself the silence to do so.

2019 was very chill compared to 2018. It was like this endless feeling of being in a relaxed state of mind, something that I was never really good at accomplishing in the past. Somehow, I figured out how to drown out all of the noise that came from over thinking and by doing so, I lazily basked within it. Almost dangerously so.

(Multiple times, I did start a blog post, but I never completed them because I didn't really feel like it. I couldn't find the words to finish the thoughts that I originally had because that's how mellow I was, so don't be surprised if "backdated" posts appear out of nowhere.)

Looking back on 2019, there were multiple lessons there; multiple reminders. One of the lessons was a lesson in patience; actually, that was the major lesson and believe me, it took everything in me to learn from it. There are too many variables in this life that stop you from being in control of every aspect of your life and it's because of those variables, that we have to embrace a patient mindset. If we do not embrace that mindset, not only will we drive ourselves crazy, but we will become angry as well. Let's face it, anger never gets you anywhere positive and being crazy doesn't just effect you, it effects those around you as well.

One of the main reminders that I found myself getting was that no matter how far away you run from a thing, if it's meant for you then it will always be for you. For me, that was my life in the literary world. Like, it's no government guarded secret that in 2018, I walked away from that life. I walked away from my childhood dream and away from the career that I worked hard to build for myself, by myself. I walked away with the intention to never look back; however, the universe had other plans for me. Never have I had to look back because new opportunities keep landing right in front of me.

Basically, 2020 is the year that walk back into what I walked away from in 2018.

Overall, 2019 allowed me to rebuild the shattered being that 2018 turned me into. It gave me time to mend, to strengthen, to focus; but most importantly, it gave me time to be okay which was something that 2018 had not allowed me to be, even for a moment.

Tonight, I go into 2020 with a calm spirit, a clear mind, open arms, and a happy heart because that's how ready I am for what 2020 has in store.

Happy New Year!