30 Days of Blogging: Day 6

Day 6: What is something that I am currently worried about?

I am currently worried about having to get a full hysterectomy.

Three years ago, in January, after noticing certain things weren't right, I found out that I had an ovarian cyst that was so large, my family doctor was worried that it would flip my ovary. He sent me to a gynecological specialist, a doctor that trained him, and after various tests and consultations, I found out that the cyst was an endometrioma, which forms as a result of having endometriosis (something I did not know I had because all prior paps came back negative for anything wrong). It was also filled with blood and is nicknamed "a chocolate cyst". I had it surgically removed that May. I also had an endometrial abrasion to help prevent any more cysts from growing. After that, the specialist became my regular gynecologist.

Fast forward to July of last year. Once again, I was noticing that things weren't right and after calling my gynecologist, we set up an appointment to be seen and to have some tests done. Lo and behold, the cyst had come back and was in the same spot that it was in years prior. I was given three options to alleviate the pain and to possibly stop the cyst from growing any larger: Get the Depo shot, get the Lupron Shot, or get a full hysterectomy."Why does it have to be a full one, can't I just get a partial?" His answer was simple, "No, because the cyst will have the opportunity to grow on the side that isn't removed."  I was overwhelmed with those choices so I left without making one; thinking that if I didn't think about it, then it wasn't real. Ignorant in thinking, but the mind does that when something overwhelms you.

I continued to not make a decision until one day, there was a pain so severe in my abdomen that it caused my husband to take me to the ER this past May. After having them confirm what I already knew the result of the pain was, I was ready to make a decision.

I got in touch with my gynecologist and made an appointment. When the appointment came, I sat with tears in my eyes as I told him that I wanted to have a hysterectomy. He asked about the other to options and I told him that Depo was out of the question and because Lupron was so expensive, I didn't event want the hassle of trying to get it only to be denied. He asked me if my insurance was willing to cover the Lupron, would I take it? He said that this would help to make sure that a hysterectomy was what I needed because it would throw me into an early menopause and stop the hormones that had been causing the cyst to grow. Because he had stressed to me in the past that he didn't feel comfortable with me being so young and having that surgery, I was willing to try the Lupron. I knew in my heart of hearts, that my health was very important to him and he would not steer me wrong. He made it known, and I was aware, that if the Lupron worked then that would mean that I would, unfortunately, have to have a hysterectomy.

I started getting the shots in July and I am due for my last one next week; two weeks before my consultation. The consultation that determines what happens to me next. Well, I already know. The Lupron has done what it was supposed to and that means that my doctor will have to do what needs to be done.

I am leery of surgeries, even though I have had a couple throughout my adulthood. For me, this surgery is different. This marks something mentally for me, only I can't seem to pinpoint what that something is. At first, I was okay with the idea... Wait, I'm lying. I was never okay with the idea; the reason I avoided going back to my doctor until an ER visit almost a year later. I don't know, I can't put my finger on it enough to explain it, but I am not okay with this.

I am angry at my body for betraying me in such a way that I have to have a major part of my insides removed. Understand, it's not about being able to have kids because I was blessed to have two. It's not about not having a period because I haven't had one of those in over three years. It's about something bigger. Something that I will never be able to explain to anyone...

Damn, this post turned out to be longer than intended...

30 Days of Blogging: Day 5

Day 5: What is something I can't seem to get over?

Hmm... Seeing how I'm an Aries and we love to hold grudges, figuring this out could take a good while. LoL, I'm kidding. Seriously, the one thing I can't seem to get over is the fact that my parents separated 24 years ago. They didn't divorce until 4 years after the separation and that in and of itself opened a whole new can of things I can't seem to get over.

I never for an iota of a second ever thought about my parents not being together. Granted, as a child, the signs were there, but I was too busy being a child and enjoying my childhood to really even pay those signs any attention. I just knew that I would grow up with both of my parents in the same household forever.

When that didn't happen, I was devastated. Finding out that we were living in one place and my dad was going to be living somewhere else, was world crushing. I missed him a lot, but I always believed that distance wouldn't be an issue because he would do whatever it took to always be in our lives.

Time gradually changed that...

There was a lot of pain and anger on my part about everything. My mom tried her best to reassure me that it would all be okay, even making excuses in my dad's defense, but I was no fool. I honestly feel that if my father handled his relationship with me differently, we wouldn't have had the crap relationship that I tried to establish with him during my adult years. I was so desperate to have him in mine and my children's life that I was willing to settle for whatever relationship he was willing to have with me. I damn near begged that man for a relationship with him and he continued to treat me as if I was his ex-wife's annoying child that wouldn't go away. Sadly, he finally got his wish because I haven't spoken to him since the end of 2015.

Even now, sitting here, typing this, my eyes are filling up with water and the cool liquid is spilling out of my eyes. All I ever wanted was to know that I was still "daddy's little girl". All I ever wanted was for him to keep the promise that he would never put any woman before us. But life if funny like that because we never ever really get what we want, do we?

30 Days of Blogging: Day 4

Day 4: What am I afraid of?

There are many things that I have a fear of but there is one thing that I am afraid of. With all that has been going on with me medically, I have come to realize that I am completely afraid of losing my mind.

I don't want to lose my mind. I don't want to go crazy. I don't want to feel like I am no longer in control of my thoughts.

Having my memories slip away from is scary enough as it is, but to feel like I am going crazy, sends me into a panic that I cannot even put into words. The worst part is, I cannot even describe what it is that my mind does but it scares me to death. The scariest part about all of it is that I don't think there is anything that I can do to stop it...

30 Days of Blogging: Day 3

Day 3: What do I think about my friends?

I honestly think my friends are amazing! The few that I have allowed within my circle are there because they have proven to me that they belong there. When I am friends with a person, I am truly friends with them. One hundred percent. I'm there for them no matter what and I expect the same from my friends. So, the friends that I do have are friends of mine because they do the same for me. I don't always talk to them every day, but I know that whenever I need them, they will be there for me.

There are one or two of my friends that have friendship quirks that I don't like, but their loyalty is unwavering, so I overlook what it is that I don't like. Could they be better friends to me? In my opinion, absolutely, but maybe they feel that they are doing the best that they can. Not to mention, maybe someone feels that same way about me and I know that I go above and beyond the call of friendship for my friends. I no longer question it because I have come to the conclusion that I either love a person for who they are or walk away from them completely. I don't have the right to try to change someone to fit my mold of a perfect friend; I became friends with certain individuals because of who they were, not because of who I wanted them to be.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 2

Day 2: What makes me different from everyone else?

Honestly, what makes me the same. For all of my life, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. Nothing about my style or my behavior was ever like "everyone else". I have always been different. My thought process made me different. My style my made me different. My imagination made me different. My life choices made me different. I was born to be different; I was made this way.

I would actually be surprised if I was to be told that I was "like everyone else". In all actuality, what does that really mean? Everyone else is a definition that is defined in so many ways, so many directions. In a world were people are trying to be like everyone else, aren't they essentially trying to be like themselves? Since everyone is trying to be like someone and the someone is trying to be like everyone else. Because that's what it all boils down to.

30 Days of Blogging: Day 1

Day 1: Who am I? Who have I been? Who do I want to be?

Who am I?

Honestly, that's a good question. Funny, but good. Why is it funny, you ask? Because I don't even know who I am anymore. I haven't known for awhile. Maybe it's because I'm still going through the changes from who I was to who I will become. I don't know, but sometimes, I do find myself asking, "Who am I"?

Who have I been?

I have been confused, indecisive, and seemingly emotionally unstable.

The changes in my life have kept me in a perpetual state of confusion. My emotions seem all over the place and I never know where I'm going or why. I am constantly changing my mind and am never solid on my decisions. Oftentimes, I find myself questioning a lot of the choices that I've made to get me to where I am.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be more relaxed, laid back in life, and assertive in my decisions. I want to be better than I am now. Stronger than I am now; mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I want to be more driven than I am now. I want to be less afraid in life; afraid of failure, afraid of success. I want to be the kind of person that actually has their shit together and not just looks like they do. I want to be an inspiration to others, but most importantly, to my kids.

I want to be so many things, but more than anything, I want to be me. The only thing is, who is me?

Remember Me

I never want the world to forget who I am or what I do. And there are many in the world that are not even familiar with who I am. They don't even know my name, let alone that I exist. Well, if you are one of those people that have stumbled upon this post, I hope this poem gives you an insight as to who I am. I hope it shines bright to you what I do. I hope it sticks in your mind long after you visit because I want you to remember me. 

 

 

 

"I spill my soul on paper,
For the world and fans to read,
And then I'll tear that very paper,
Just to watch the letters bleed.
A lover to the lyrics,
But a whore to every verse,
Though writing is a blessing,
It is also my biggest curse.
To articulate your feelings,
So that others will understand,
Makes it easier for them to judge you,
And see how much you're damned.
However, this is who I am,
I wouldn't have it any other way,
If we haven't been introduced before,

Well, I am La Kata E.K."