Balloons Fly Higher and Higher...

With the more air that they are filled with...

I've been flying rather high since the release of "Treasure Chest" and I have no reason to come down. My state of mind is in a better place and my overall being is at peace. Whatever it was that I was previously going through, I think I might have found the strength to overcome it. And I'm not going to say that it was easy, because it wasn't. It took a lot of prayer and meditation, as well as "seeking help". I didn't seek help in the professional sense, but I did begin to talk about what it was that I was going through. I shared with others the state that my mental was in and I was blessed with their kind words and support. More than anything, their positive outlook was contagious. Contagious enough to bring me out of that black hole that I had taken up residence in.

I'm extremely big on pride. Like, I refuse to do anything that will weaken it, I guess. But sometimes, a person has to swallow their pride by the mouthful in order to get to that place that they so long dreamed about. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you wise.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good about the path that lies ahead of me. I get the feeling that there's nothing but positive things to come my way. Even if some negative things should arise, I've strengthened my mental state to the point that those negative things will not put a chink in my positive mind state. Because let's face it, everything in life depends on your mind state. It's all about how you perceive a situation that will determine whether or not it makes or breaks you and quite frankly, I'm tired of being broken...

Sometimes all it takes...

Is submerging yourself in something bigger than yourself to bring you back to the here and now...

I'm not going to lie, I've been feeling rather down lately. If one were to ask why, my answer would be that I didn't know. Why? Because I didn't. I can't explain the sudden depression or where it came from but I'm feeling a lot better. Maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I published my third poetry book yesterday. I don't know but I submerged myself so completely into something that I love that when I came up for air, my storm cloud was gone.

Hmm... That might be a lot of my problem lately.

I find myself so consumed with being a wife, mother, sister, daughter, and aunt that I haven't had time to be a writer. Hell, to just be me. I have to remember that before all of those roles, I come first. That if I burn myself out or allow myself to fall off the edge, none of those roles will matter because I will no longer exist. And my existence is vital, if to no one else but me...

I Love Being Clothed...

But now it's time for me to love being naked just as much...

The more I promote my work, the more exposed I feel. Completely bare. In the company of strangers no less. Naked for all of the world to see.

I honestly feel like no matter how much notoriety my work garners, I will ALWAYS feel as if I'm exposing my bare self to the world. I want to say that I'll eventually get over that feeling, but it hasn't shown signs of going away. I want to believe that I'll feel beyond confident about sharing my thoughts and feelings with others, but I feel more and more guarded the more I write.

I want to be one of those poets that engage readers in an open discussion about certain poems that they've written or is open minded about any kind of criticism that they receive. I want to be, but I'm not. I don't feel comfortable at all discussing certain poems that I've written and I always pray that I don't receive any negative criticism because my feelings would end up seriously hurt. Yes, I know. I sound like a wimp but it is what it is. I'm so sensitive at heart that it makes absolutely NO sense and some things, my little heart just isn't ready for.

One day though, I feel that will all change. I'm aiming for greatness and I can't have anything holding me back from attaining that greatness. Not my feelings and especially not my nakedness...

Time To Get Out The Scissors...

Because I'm finally cutting these ropes...

Lately, I have found myself so ridiculously stressed out. It honestly makes NO sense whatsoever that anyone should be this stressed out for practically NO reason.

BUT...

As I have come to do in all stressful situations, I'm cutting out what stresses me. My well-being, is at stake. I cannot allow for my mental, physical, or emotional health to falter, especially with what I have planned. I need all of my strength so that my dream(s) will come to fruition.

There must be something on the horizon for me because these roadblocks that are popping up in my path are coming from out of nowhere. They seem to be coming from out of nowhere anyway. Then again, maybe these moments are reminders that I stand alone in the world. Surrounded by many but completely alone.

I don't know, but before I allow stress to render me helpless, I'm going to do everything in my power to live a stress free life.

Someone pass me the scissors, please?

I am lost...

And I can't seem to find me...

Lately, again, I've been feeling like I don't know what my purpose in life is. What am I here for? What I want to truly do with my life for that matter.

I feel so lost. Like, I'm here but I'm not. No real sense of direction and sometimes no true urge to get any. I can't help but to wonder, is that even normal? I always thought that the older I became the more clear my path would be, but that's not the case at all. It's as if the older I become, the more muddled up my path seems; like my visibility for the future is minimal.

I know what I want to do and I think I know what I have to do, the main thing is to just do it. Do it. Do it. But for some reason, I've gotten rather gun shy with "just doing" anything anymore. I don't know why though. Guess I have some more self discovery on the horizon in order to break through the sudden barrier that I've apparently created...

What If Dreams Were Hallucinations...

Would they still be considered dreams?

We grow up imagining a certain lifestyle for ourselves, a certain career, but what if what we dream doesn't really exist? What if our dream job isn't truly meant for us? What if... What if...

Lately, I find myself gravitating more and more to proofreading than to writing. Like, I simply LOVE to write, but it's seems like I've grown to love to proofread even more. I almost feel like I'm betraying myself because I have always wanted to be a die hard writer but now, I don't...

I find it kind of cool to get to be "behind the scenes" as a book is in the publishing phase. It's almost like you know a secret that the world isn't privy to yet. You were privileged enough to be the "chosen one" to carry out such a task as important as proofreading another writer's work. And even more so, you were trusted enough not to give away book details.

Being a proofreader can be pretty heavy stuff, but you know what? I'm completely ready for it. I've been proofreading for a close friend for years, now it's time that I take that leap and proofread for others as well. 

Bring it on...

Regrets and Accountability....

Don't necessarily mix to me...

For a long time, I've always felt that people should take accountability for their actions but in the last year, I've been stuck on it. My whole thing is that if you say something or even do something, it's because you wanted to do it. It's that simple. Right?

Now enter in Regret.

I've never fully understood how a person had regrets about saying or doing something they truly wanted to do. Granted, I've recently written a poem about having regrets about the path I've chosen, but as far as my actions to those around me, I regret nothing. Yes, I feel that if I could have done something in my life differently, I would've, but that's only when I begin to resent the path that I'm currently on. As far as my relationships with people go, I don't regret how they've turned out. Why? Because there are multiple variables involved when dealing with people; each person plays an intricate role in how the relationship dynamics unfold. However, when it comes to your personal choices/decisions, you are the only variable in the equation.

Anyway, back to what I was saying.

I don't feel that accountability and regrets necessarily mix because when you think about it, by regretting something you've said or even done to a person, you're kind of in a way, shrugging off any accountability that you might've had in the situation. I mean, granted, that pretty much goes with anything and in that aspect, it almost makes me a hypocrite of sorts. The whole point that I'm trying to make is that in all actuality by claiming you regret something, you in turn are not taking accountability for your actions. Maturity comes when you are willing to be held accountable for any role that you may have had in any dissolution of any relationships that you no longer have. Does that mean that you have to be proud of your role? No. What it means is that you did it and you take 100% responsibility for it. If the situation were to arise again, you might actually do the same thing over. In the event that you might choose a different path instead of the one that you previously traveled, does that mean that you regret your actions? No. It just means that you are wise enough to know that what you previously did, didn't work.

I don't remember where I was going with that. I had a great thought and just like that, I lost it...