Life Always Has A Way...

Of testing how resilient we really are...

To say that 2018 kicked my behind would be an absolute understatement. I had rough years in the past, but this one completely takes the damn cake.

Financially, physically, and mentally, 2018 tried to leave me in a puddle of who I once was.

However, as close to breaking me as each test was, I never broke. My resolve might have weakened and my knees might have buckled a bit, but I never broke. I never gave it. Honestly, I couldn't even if I wanted to and believe me, there were so many times when I wanted to.

Why couldn't I? Because I am a wife and  mother. A daughter, a sister, and an aunt. There were people that needed me mentally, physically, and emotionally present. Most importantly, I needed myself to be mentally, physically, and emotionally present.

But certain prescribed medications are not good for your mental stability and I learned that the hard way.

As a result, there were times when, out of no where, I hated life and didn't want to live anymore. I found myself hanging on to sanity by a thread and clinging to my husband for dear life. He kept me grounded. He was the clearest image through the haze.

Oh, and I wrote. I wrote my darkest poetry during the moments when I was barely hanging on mentally. I wrote to purge myself and free my soul. And it was only then that I truly realized how much my readers pay attention to my work. I say that because a couple of them reached out to me with concerns and I don't think they truly know how much I appreciate them for that act of kindness.

I went through career changes as well. I worked at four different jobs for like a week in a four month window and I walked away from each one because I found something I didn't like about them. I also walked away from a career that I had made for myself in 2010, one that only truly took off in 2015. I loved proofreading/editing and I enjoyed it like one wouldn't believe, but it just wasn't something that I wanted to do anymore. I walked way from being an author as well, but the enthusiasm from my co-workers at my current job made me change my mind about that.

There were other negative things that occurred in 2018 that I could list, but I won't because I don't want to sound whiny or "woe is me" like.

Understand, there were highs throughout the year, but those highs were few and far between after April.

What I can tell you is that 2018 taught me a lot about myself. It taught me a lot about those around me and a lot about the people that I came in contact with. It literally showed me that everyone you meet really is fighting a battle of sorts within their own life.

2018 also taught me that the more I buck against change, the harder it will be for me to adjust to it becuse it's going to happen whether I like it or not. It taught me that nothing in life is permenant, not even a phone number you've had for 10 years. It taught me that early detection (and maintaining a certain weight) are key factors in living a long and healthy life. It taught me that jobs come and go, but when you are an entreprenuer and passionate about what you do, that can turn into a career that can last a lifetime.

At the end of the day, 2018 taught me that I am stronger than I think, more resilient than I realize, and more inspirational than I could ever imagine.

I am not sad in the least that 2018 ends today and that a new year begins tomorrow. I am completely over 2018 and all the negtive that came with it. Will 2019 be better? I don't know, but what I do know is that I am strong enough to handle whatever curve balls it decides to throw at me.

Happy New Year...

Just Remember...

To take a deep breath...

That's what Jacob, the SWAT Nurse, said to me as he poked me in the arm with a needle.

I don't think he realized how profound his words were to me. So much so, that I blurted something totally random out because I couldn't get my thoughts together fast enough.

Forgetting to take a deep breath... That's how 2018 has been for me, at least the last half of it anyway. I found myself constantly holding my breath as I waited for the other shoe to drop. Waited for another disaster to hit. Waited for more humbling moments to knock me to my knees.

Never once did I take a deep breath and never once did I simply just relax.

And I probably should've, but I couldn't. I mean, how can you when you feel like you're living out "A Series Of Unfortunate Events"?

Anyway, in that brief moment after the needle penetrated my skin and Jacob gave me profound advice, it occured to me, like really occurred to me, that all I had to do was take a deep breath. Whatever was to come, would come, but instead of holding my breath and waiting for the impact of the storm, I needed to just take a deep breath and wait patiently for the storm to pass...

In Life, There Are Moments When...

Time simply runs out on a thing...

In a complete backward ass move, I announced that my newest poetry book would be my final poetry book before I posted a blog as to why. So, for my loyal fans and followers, I apologize for that; I should've prepared you for what was to come.

Today, someone asked me if I planned on retiring and I replied with, "I really want to and I feel like I should, but no." I believe that garnered more questions among those that read the comment than I anticipated. Hell, telling that I will no longer be publishing any more poetry books garnered more of a reaction than I imagined it would. And honestly, I'm still trying to figure out why that is.

It's not as if my poetry books are best sellers or anything. Hell, it's not like they really sell all that much either to be honest, but that's not why I am no longer publishing anymore poetry books. I didn't publish them for attention, or wealth, or fame; I published them so that I could prove to myself that I could achieve whatever I put my mind to. I published them so someone out there reading them knew that they were not alone in a feeling that they may have related to in one of my poems.

The reason I am no longer publishing anymore poetry books is because that level of exposure is so draining for me. That level of "will they?" builds to be something so large in my mind that it can be overwhelming at times. (Will they buy it? Will they like it? Will they judge me? What will they think?)

I've said it in the past and I will say it again for those that don't know, my writing leaves me utterly exposed. Completely nude without ever taking off a stitch of clothing. Anytime I write something, I am left feeling dangerously raw and overly sensitive to the world around me.

Why do I feel like I should retire? For that very reason. However, I won't because writing about how I feel is all I know. I have been doing so in journals my entire life and I have been doing so in poem form since I was thirteen, so I know of no other way to express how I feel. I might take a break though; a couple of months, maybe a year or two. Oh, hell, who am I kidding.?! The minute something effects me emotionally, I'll probably end up writing about it (I just no longer intend to share what I write). The thought is nice, I suppose.

The one thing I plan on actively implementing is my involvement on social media, at least as an author/poet. With my accounts, I will be taking a break; I'm just not sure how long of one though. I also plan on stepping away from being an editor, finishing up the few books I was asked to review so that I can be done with that, and once the last of my business cards are gone, they're gone.

I've had a good run and I've enjoyed every minute of it, but that is not where my path is taking me anymore and I have to now prepare myself for the direction that I am meant to go in. Unfortunately, the life that I only ever dreamed of living my entire life is no longer it.

(Sigh)

Oh, how I hate change....