To Read or Not to Read...

Is a good question but that's not the problem at all...

Throughout the entire year of 2013, I did not record me reading a single poem and I'm a little upset by it. I allowed my busy schedule to interfere with the one thing that's been loyal to me for years. I could understand if it was just that I didn't know which poem I wanted to read or that I was nervous about how I would sound, but that wasn't the case at all; I just simply did not make any time. But that is all about to change...

Change. The one word that brings fear and excitement to my core all at the same time.

2014 is full of so many possibilities and opportunities that they're practically endless! Honestly, I get so excited at just the thought. What I once feared, I am now slowly embracing. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new chapter in an already interesting book.

Stay Tuned...

Adjust Your Rearview Mirror...

Because it's time to watch your past fade away...

And so we come to the end of yet another year. As the time ticks slowly by, I find myself intently reflecting on all of the good and all of the bad. Each moment in my life came with some sort of lesson; one that I'm supposed to take heed to and use again at some point in the future. Whether it was a tidbit of information for myself, or one to share with others, it was a tidbit all the same.

With the ending of 2013, I find myself neatly closing up various Chapters in my life and preparing to anxiously open other ones. There are big changes happening in my life right and instead of fearing them like I would've in the past, I am anxiously awaiting them. I have never been more excited about the unknown as I currently am right now. 2014 won't just be the year that I turn 30, it will be the year that defines me as a person. It will also be the year of many accomplishments for me as an individual and as a partner.

Needless to say, I'm pleased to bid 2013 farewell and geeked beyond words to usher in 2014...

The Things Wanted Most...

Are probably the things that you're not supposed to have anyway...

It's said that if you don't want to be written about, then don't upset a writer. Well, seeing as though I'm a writer, I recognize the weighted truth in that statement! Omg! I almost want to feel sorry for anyone that crosses me, but even more so I want to feel sorry for anyone that catches my attention enough to be written about.

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind lately and I get so angry because it's hard to capture any one thought. My mind races when I'm at home but it seems to race the most when I'm at work. Probably because I am constantly reminded of what it is that I want that I cannot have; having an ample amount of time to think does that to a person, you know? And sadly, there are quite a few times where moments are slow and I am given nothing but time. Nothing but the companionship of my thoughts. Nothing but an ample amount of time to be reminded of what it is that I want, but cannot have.

But oh how I want it!

I want it more than I can express in any poem and I've found myself trying to do just that in the last week. I've probably written about five so far. Well, one took a few months before all of my thoughts fell into place and the others just kind of happened in a sense. The craziest part about it all is that the range of emotions tied to what I want, is so broad that you can get a pretty good sense of what wanting this is doing to me mentally and probably emotionally. I don't know...

One thing certain and two things sure, the sudden surge of inspiration was definitely needed...

Yet It Takes Death...

To remind you about keeping your mind focused and priorities at the forefront of your mind.

11.3.13 - My Mother's oldest sister passed away. Though it was something that we were all "prepared" for, the reality of it all is that no one is truly prepared for death; especially that of a loved one.

We've been very blessed in my family to not have to endure death very often. I mean, the last time there was the passing of a relative it was in 2008. Before that, 2003, and before that, 1994. So it only makes sense to me that I haven't the slightest idea as to how to cope...

Multiple people have suggested that I write about it, you know, to get everything out but I don't know. For some reason, the words just won't come as they should. I know there is something under the surface of my mind that is trying to escape to be written because my hand constantly feels like it should be writing but for some reason I just can't. It's like my mind draws a blank at the thought of purging my emotions surrounding this one particular event...

I realize for once, I might be afraid to read what lies within me...

Sometimes All You Can Do....

Is breathe...

And once you begin to exhale, you then realize how long and how hard it was that you were holding your breath. The breath that you feared was going to quite possibly be your last...

It takes a mature and responsible person to be able to admit when they're wrong and today, that person is me. Lately, I haven't been reacting accordingly to certain situations in my life. I either under react or over react to them, causing me to end up with less than the stellar results that I was initially going for. Not only do I end up with less than stellar results, I end up losing sleep and receiving a massive headache behind it. That, I recently realized, has to stop...

Another thing that I recently realized is what is holding me back from being able to write. There is too much mental garbage cluttering up my thoughts and it's causing my mind to constantly go blank. One cannot be a successful anything when they cannot think straight and my thoughts are the keys to my success....

When A Caged Animal Feels Trapped...

Nothing good can ever come of it...

In the six months since I've blogged, I've had many ups and downs. Were some of them able to be put into words? Yes, but they were never completed thoughts of any kind. There was a poem that I had the pleasure of writing that made absolutely NO sense what-so-ever, but I was very proud of myself for it. Mainly because it was the first true breakthrough that I've had since being bogged down on a regular basis with the dreaded Writer's Block. I've actually posted that poem to my Fanpage and I'm thinking about doing a Youtube video of it as well.

Speaking of Youtube... I haven't posted anything since I posted the video over a year and a half ago of me reading the poem that was written because of my Bell's Palsy. It's crazy because I've only gone back and watched that poem about once or twice since I've been "healed". The one thing about that whole situation is that it was a VERY humbling one for me and it was the moment that I began my journey of getting to truly know myself. My strengths and weaknesses. What can make me and what can break me. Seems like there are a lot of things that have been trying to break me down as of late...

But anyway, back to what I had initally begun to say.

Lately, I feel like I'm moments away from exploding. There are times when I have these ridiculous childlike outbursts and/or even tantrums, if you will. This has been going on for quite some time now and I think I finally know exactly why that is. If I am not reading or even writing, then I seem to practically lose my mind. Everything around me makes me miserable and I find that people seem to get on my nerves more so than usual. It's a sad thing because I've been more down than I have been up and I cannot stand to be down. I want the "happy" and "content" me back; the only way that is to happen is if I go for what I know and what I know are words. Reading them, writing them, singing them, and more. God, how I love literature...

I've been writing a lot more though. I almost HAVE to. It's like a basic need for me, like water or air. There are MULTIPLE poems lying around that have one to three stanzas on them, but very few are completed. Shorter poems seem much easier for me to complete than longer ones and that's funny because years ago it was the other way around. I don't know. I do know that I've grown up quite a bit since I began working last year; working mainly caused me to HAVE to step outside of my world and into other's. It has caused me to begin to find a grey area that wasn't ever there growing up and even into my twenties. It has opened my mind up more than I could've ever imagined it to be. Working is also probably the number one reason why writing and I are at such a stand still...

Something has to change...

And With The Good...

There comes the bad.

The last couple of months I have found myself floating on Cloud 9 in a sense. I have been making strides in what I feel is the right direction on the path that I have wanted to travel for so long; God has blessed me with the means to do so. But naturally, if something is too good to be true than A. it either is or B. the devil is just laying in wait to try and destroy it.

I try not to get TOO personal with my posts because I just feel that some things should be kept to oneself, but there are moments when a little exposure is okay. I mean, how else can another person relate if they haven't the slightest idea as to what it is that I am talking about, right?

I feel that my "too good to be true" is trying to be destroyed by the devil because every other attempt that he has thrown at me has failed. My faith has stayed steadfast and true the entire time and I'm sure that's not exactly a positive note when dealing with the devil. Not only that, but I have been rather happy in my life lately and I'm thankful for it. I've been making changes in my life that have only enhanced my way of living, brightened my outlook on life, and caused me to be more excited about the possibilities of the future. What better way to tear me down than to try and detroy all of that?

Last week was a seriously rough week for me. Anything that could go wrong, did! I found it like a battle within myself to try and remain sane throughout it all but the moment I realized that I couldn't handle the load any longer on my own, I began to pray...About EVERYTHING... Slowly but surely, everything began to mellow out and I felt the weight on my shoulders beginning to lift. (Sigh) I have to keep in mind that because I believe in a Higher Power, that everything that goes on in my life is out of my control. That anytime the bad seems to outweigh the good, all I have to do is pray for patience and strength and I will INSTANTLY receive it. I can't explain it, but it's just a calm that comes over me and I feel that I'm no longer stressed out or even drowning under the weight of the stress. I also have to remember that when the good outweighs the bad, I have to be thankful; throughout everything I have to remember to ALWAYS remain humble. I don't know, but it makes sense to me.

I've been working so much lately, that I hardly have time to focus on the things that make me happiest. The things that make me, ME. I'm so constantly busy that I no longer have time for anything anymore, but even less time for myself and I believe that if I start focusing on myself again, life will flow much better. Hobbies are being abandoned and goals are being left to stagnate, I'm becoming disconnected from my family and a stranger to my friends... All of those issues are not like me at all. Again, that's nothing but the devil trying to knock me off of my feet, trying to cause me to lose focus of the bigger picture. And so, I will continue to pray because one day everything will be back to normal but until then, as I stated earlier, with the good...