When The Thought Of Success...

Turns into a paralyzing fear; that is when you have to acknowledge that you a problem....

Last week, I was featured in the launch edition of an online magazine (Urban Cache Magazine). I was excited about it and it was pretty cool because that was the second time that has happened to me. In 2012, I was featured in the launch edition of another online magazine (L'Amour Divine). A few years back, I was asked to be a guest speaker for a group of young girls because I was a positive influence. Twice, I was asked to be the guest speaker in my old Lit Professor's class; she deemed me the "Poet Laureate" of her class. I enjoy these moments because this is what I strive for. Or at least I thought I did...

As I stand by a friend and fellow writer, I'm able to watch all of her dreams come true through her talent. She's been such an inspiration and that's what I want for myself. That's what I keep telling myself that's what I want anyway...

The very thought that my dreams might actually come true strikes a fear deep within me that I'm actually embarrassed to speak about. Like a dear caught in headlights, I am riddled with a paralyzing fear. I can't exactly put my finger on the exact reason why, so I don't even try to. I honestly don't think that it has anything to do with the exposure, but more or less, the personal aspect of it all...

That friend that I previously mentioned, said that she loves my writing because it's "transparent". One does not have to guess or weed through what it is that I want to say and I suppose that makes sense. I mean really, why beat around the bush? But like, my writing is ME. It's a form of ME. It's an expression of ME. It's the exposure of ME...

Right before I left my job, I sold about 50 copies of "A Deeper Me" and that was awesome coming from me! I shied away a couple of times but then those times were few and far between. Word of mouth helped too. I was grateful that no one really wanted to discuss a particular poem because that is when I truly withdraw. Well, on one or two occasions, there were a couple of people that felt the need to discuss and dissect a poem that caught their eye and I'm not going to lie, the entire conversation had me wishing I were somewhere else. It was awkward for me to the point of being painful. To the reader, they are just words but to the writer, THIS writer, it's my life...

Time To Get Out The Umbrella...

Because blessings are raining down...

I whole heartily believe in a higher power. I believe that this higher power gives us answers when we seek them; whether or not they are what we want to hear, we are given answers. And most importantly, I believe in signs...

I believe that God gives us signs so that we know that we are travelling along the right path to our destiny; yes, I believe in destiny. I also believe that our lives are already planned out.

(Personal Alert)

Lately, I made the life changing decision to leave my job of 14 months, making $16 an hour with full benefits, to go back to being a Stay At Home Mom. Why? Because my children needed me. Before my job, I stayed home with my children while my husband worked. Once our children were old enough to go to school, I got a job. I made a promise to my husband that if it ever came down to having to choose either my family or my job, then my obvious choice was my family. That, is ultimately what it came down to...

Through out the entire year that I worked at my job, I was given the signs. Some were small but there were a few quite obvious ones; all the same, I didn't take heed to any of them. Time went on and though my professional life was fine, my home life seemed to be falling apart... (Major Sign One)

As time further went on, I was able to put back together some of the broken pieces of my home life, only to have my professional life crumble to the ground. The cause: because I did my job too well... (Major Sign Two)

It wasn't something that I instantly jumped into doing. I first wanted to change shifts at my job and when that didn't pan out, I began looking for other jobs. The entire time while I was doing that, I just kept praying for guidance and eventually, my Husband came to me and said that I didn't need to find a job. That I should just take some time to get myself together and everything in order; that I had worked hard enough as it was and that I needed a break. I took that as a blessing in disguise.

What really told me that I was doing the right thing, was what followed next. All the signs were there. Everything that I was doing prior to working, started slowly falling back into my lap once I decided to stop working. My jewelry line, my poetry, me as an editor. Those were the things that I was into prior to and once I decided to leave, I had customers lined up for all of those things. To me, those were my "snowflakes". Imagine how snowflakes fall down; they layer neatly and perfectly one on top of the other, right? Well, that's how my blessings have been falling, telling me that those were signs from God letting me know that I had finally made the right decision after all....

Leave it to the unprepared...

To wish to be prepared...

Courtesy of Mother Nature, I was taught a very valuable lesson the last few days: never wait until the last minute to do something that should've been done yesterday.

I hate to admit it, but I have a tad bit of procrastinator in me. Yes, yes, it's true! I cannot believe it myself, more or less, I just refused to believe it about myself. For everything that I am timely on, there is just that one thing that I can't help but to push off until the last minute. Well, not anymore.

On January 5th, Mother Nature decided to grace us with the worst weather I have experienced in OH yet! It was so bad that the county that I currently reside in was at a Level 3 for about three days!! It was so bad that the plant that I currently work at sent us home early and they NEVER do that!! Basically, it was downright bad. A Level 3 pretty much means that unless you're city or emergency personnel, you don't have any business out on the roads. If caught on the roads, you face a citation and/or possible jail time. So yeah, the storm that hit the MidWest was rather a serious one to say the least.

But anyway, back to where I was going with this. I was so unprepared mentally that I almost went stir crazy stuck in the house! Granted, I was not alone but when you feel trapped, you just feel trapped. Had I mentally accepted the fact that the storm was as serious as it was being made out to be, I might've acted accordingly: completely hysterical. But I was so laid back and nonchalant about it that when I finally realized that it was bad, it was too late.

I can't explain it, but I do know that even your mental requires proper preparation for certain situations...