When Time Stops...

Does it ever stand still..?

Thirteen months ago, time stopped for me...

It stopped in a way that time should never stop for an individual. It stopped in a way that is should never stop for someone who isn't mourning the loss of a loved one. It stopped in a way that it should never stop for someone who supposedly has all of their shit together. It stopped in a way that it should have never stopped for me. 

I once wrote somewhere, "I died twice in that moment, yet my pulse still showed a beat." 

I would lie to say that I wasn't broken as a result of all that transpired in that moment. A moment that I still can't bring myself to publicly discuss. I want to, Lord, knows how much I want to; but I can't. By doing so would then make this "nightmare" a reality. Would make my current reality even more real and my emotions are too raw for that. I would be forced to accept the obvious and by doing so, I would be snatched back to a reality that I never imagined myself having to live.

My life changed that day. My outlook changed. My heart changed. I changed...

I used to believe in "forever". I used to believe in "love". I used to believe...in something...

Gone is the person that believed in the impossible. Gone is the person that believed in herself... 

Boundaries Are Laid...

For a reason and if one cannot respect those boundaries, they have to go...

I am not one to enforce boundaries. Hell, to be honest, I'm not really one to have them. At some point in my life, I became such a people pleaser that I allowed people to walk all over me in order to "keep the peace"; ignoring how they made me feel as a result. 

 Long gone are those days though.

It took a lot for me to become the person that I am in this moment. The person that opens her mouth when she feels slighted and puts her foot down when she's had enough. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. It wasn't easy for me to get to this, and honestly, i still have my moments where I struggle with being as assertive about disrespect. Understand, I still have a tendency to give a person a chance or two before I halt behaviors that make me uncomfortable, but it doesn't go any further than that.

I said all of that to say that anyone who truly knows me, knows what it takes for me to speak up. If I tell you how I feel about something, it means that it truly bothered me and I didn't like it. 

Enforcing boundaries has been one of the many things in my life that has allowed me to grow mentally and emotionally. I cannot stand strong as a person, as a woman, or even as a parent, if I am not making sure that the people around me respect my boudaries. More importantly, I cannot stand strong as an individual if I allow unlimited access to those who continue to disrespect them.

This life is mine. This path is mine. My happiness is mine and anyone that fucks with that has to go. Immediately. 

"I will watch the embers to a bridge burn before I ever allow continued access to anyone who didn't have my best interests at heart." La Kata E.K.

Wasn't Sure About Posting...

But I couldn't let it go...

Saw some stuff on my social media timelines lately and I must say that people never cease to amaze me. 

Here's why:

The name calling, threats, and disrespect behind the choices a person makes with their own body is out of control. (i.e. getting/not getting vaccinated, having an abortion, changing one's gender).

Please understand, I get how passionate you may be about your stance, but being disrespectful to get your point across shows a level of immaturity, and ignorance, that is intolerable. 

While you are on the internet losing your shit, there's a child out there that's afraid to sleep at night because of the actual monster creeping in their bedroom. There's a child out there suicidal because they feel that death is their only escape. There's a child out there going without a meal; hell, there's a child going without period. 

There are REAL LIFE problems in the world that you SHOULD be battling, but you want to internet battle other people over their choices. 

*Trying to strong arm a person into getting vaccinated is not going to get them vaccinated any faster. 

*Telling a woman to keep a baby she doesn't want is only going to cause her to get rid of it some other way. 

*And talking down on someone for physically becoming who they always felt they were only shows how uncomfortable you are within yourself. 

Because She Is Who Created Me...

 And they are who made me...

As my mother: Part of who I am today is a result of watching the sacrifices my Mom made, and still makes, for me. I have never wanted her to feel like everything she's done was a wasted effort; I want her chest to swell with pride every time she looks at me. Why? Because she stayed when he chose to walk away... She carried the weight and responsibility of two people and she did so without any complaints (at least to us anyway, lol). She sacrificed so much for us; even though she never said it, we saw it. Therefore, she deserves to know that she is a part of the reason that I am as successful as I am.

As their mother: The other part of who I am today is because of my children. I decided after I had my daughter that I wanted my children to look at me with pride in their hearts; look up to me even. I am a determined individual because being their mother makes me this way. I have been determined to give them the best that I can, show them the best that I can, love them the best that I can. Part of who I am is because of them and because of them, I am always evolving into someone better; someone stronger.

I love them all with every fiber of my being. #MothersDay2021

There Will Always Be A Moment...

When everything becomes full circle...

Something dawned on me the other day. I have actually written in every genre I have ever wanted to write in. Poetry, children, romance, mystery, suspense, how to, and erotica. If there was ever a time that I would stop writing, and be okay with it, that time would be now. Like, I honestly feel as though I have come full circle as a writer. I truly do. 

As a writer, I have always wanted to grow. Branch out into genres unknown. Not only just branch out into them, but to successfully write in them as well. With that being said, I can proudly say that every genre I branched into, the book written was a successful one. I am truly pleased with myself for not allowing my fear of failure to get in the way of my growth as an artist.

I can say with 100 percent certainty that I have never felt more accomplished in my writing career than I do right now. My teenage self would be extremely proud. Dreams really do come true; you just have to be willing to put in the work to make them come to fruition. 

My Life Matters...

And yet, there are still people in the world that says it doesn't... 

I am a black woman. I have experienced racism, that I can remember, since I was 10 years old. Sometimes, it's been absolutely blatant and other times, not so much. However, each time, I was reminded of the fact that I was born with a skin color that is hated by some and feared by many. 

The current state of unrest does nothing to change the fact that there are, and will always be, racist people in the world. Some people like to cling to their ignorance and that's okay; however, it is not my job to change them. You can only speak logic to a dummy for so long before you begin to feel like a dummy as well and I, for one, refuse to feel like a dummy.

I commend those of you who are constantly calling out the racist people. Debating with the racist people. Posting facts for the racist people. However, I just can't do it any longer. And I am tired.

As my cousin, Jhortann, so eloquently reminded me, "Black mental health matters." She's right. My mental health is wavering right now and for the sake of what's at stake, it's time to unplug for awhile...

Make It Make Sense...

Because I think I'm a bit confused...

A few minutes ago, I saw a post that made reference to 9/11 and how the US has never forgotten. Every year, it is recognized because the vast amount of damage that terrorists caused, "changed the nation forever".

However, the KKK is the largest terrorist cell in the US and yet, we have been conditioned to conveniently forget every act of terrorism they have committed against the black community. From yelling derogatory slurs at them in the streets, to burning crosses in their front yards, to burning down their buildings WITH them in it, to public lynchings, and so much more. 

How is it that when a foreign enemy attacks us, we are taught to never forget, but when a domestic enemy attacks its own, we are taught to never remember?