Why Let The Sun Shine...

When cloudy skies are all they know?

In the recent years, I have found myself looking for ways to cleanse myself of any anger and pain that I may have been harboring. Any poisonous emotions that might have been continuously coursing through my veins. I have found that with each release, I feel freer. Lighter. Happier. Let me tell you, it has been quite a journey.

No one knows my story, nor will they understand it if they did. I don't care to invite people in on what I am doing or why, either. But those that have only had a surface glimpse of what it is that I have been doing have had a variety of things to say. The ones that are seemingly on the same path to self redemption that I am on seem to have a silent understanding of what it is that I am doing. They don't question, doubt, or put me down for what it is that I am doing because they understand the importance of closure. The ones that seem to still be lost within themselves and the unhappiness that surrounds them, have been the most vocal. The most negative. The most insulting.

I can't say what it is that goes on in any one person's mind, but I am coming to understand that when a person is happy with themselves and their decisions (most importantly, their life), they don't have the time or energy to bring another person down. Their life reflects how they feel inside and I am beginning to realize that there are people in my circle that are not feeling very well on the inside. I see in them what was once in me and it's a sad thing, I tell you. I can't go back to that and I can't surround myself with people like that because by doing so, I slowly feel the light that I fought so hard for on the inside starting to diminish.

Recently, I have been finding ways to distance myself from these seemingly poisonous personalities, because lets face it, when a person is unhappy, their whole being becomes toxic to those around them. The very thought of you being happy with yourself seems to be an insult to their unhappiness. I would imagine that seeing another person happy would ultimately encourage me to want to be happy as well, as it has, but that is not the case for some people. It is just a reminder that not everyone is as ready for that kind of change as I was.

Because At The End Of The Day...

The face looking back at me in the mirror is that of a black woman's face...

I've been on the fence about writing "Pro Black" anything out of the concern that I would offend some of those I know, but then it hit me! If those I know never shied from showing their support for Bush or even Trump, then why should I shy from showing my support for my own race? Understand, the "Black Movement" isn't about downing other races in the process to uplift our own, it's about acknowledging where we as a race came from AS we uplift our own. Some people can't understand that, but then again, if  you're not black why would you?

I am a black woman.

There are so many out there trying to be what I am. What I, for a long time, was embarrassed about. I didn't want to be my color for along time growing up and I'm glad my mom put a stop to that; I'm glad she taught me to love the skin I'm in because it's beautiful. Unless you are a minority, you will never understand what it's like to go out in public and have people look at you as if you don't belong in the same room as them. You will never understand watching as TV and society acts like your race is beneath them, describing us as everything negative under the sun and then some. Most people do not realize that we are more than what they see, than what they will ever be exposed to.

I am an educated black woman.

Do you realize that there are sooooo many of us out there? Educated black individuals striving to be the best that we can be. There are a lot of us out there leading by example because to get to where we are wasn't easy. I'm not saying that another person of a different race had it any better, but historically, it wasn't easy for us; black people. I can't help it that society glamorizes everything that is wrong with Black America, but I can help what I take from that negative image.

Why is it okay for other races to imitate us but we can't be ourselves?

I love the fact that we are in a time that a lot of black people are celebrating our race because I feel that today's youth need it. They need to know that their race is a positive in the world and not a negative; their skin, their hair, their heritage. That it's okay to be proud of who we are. I have children growing up during this time and it is so detached from the Civil Rights Movement that a lot of our youth cannot appreciate where it all began; what was lost and what was gained, all for people who weren't even in existence at the time. No, we can't keep living in the past BUT if other races are allowed to do so, why can't we? We are not slaves, apes, coons, niggers, or any other derogatory word that people still call us. We are human beings, we bring to the table of the world just like other races do; we have our social imperfections just other races do. So why haven't we ever been treated equally?

My race doesn't define me, it is who I am.

I say this to say that from now on I'm not biting my tongue or stopping my pen. What comes up will come out and if there are people that can't accept that, then you can't accept me. My brown skin, my kinky hair, my unique name, my heritage, and all else that makes me me...

Coming Up For Air...

Because I've held my breath too long...

It has been a minute since my post but for good reason.

When I went "off the grid" in the beginning, it was so that I could concentrate my focus more on what I felt needed my attention most. Out of the four things previously listed, only two ended up receiving the most attention; my physical fitness and my proofreading. I've not only slimmed down but I've toned up since then and the entire month of March was booked with clients that sought my proofreading services.

Still...

I feel like I need to focus even more, even harder because I feel as though I'm slipping.  Change is happening and I can't handle it. The grip I feel that I had on my "normal" is slipping from my grasp and it's scaring the life out of me. I don't do well with change; never have and apparently, never will. Change is the equivalent of the unknown and the unknown is my boogeyman...

Lately, I've been diving into my book. I'm in the process of reading through the beginning and the middle in order to come up with an end that pleases me. That, along with my physical fitness,  are the current holders of my focus. Maybe if I focus hard enough, I won't notice the process of everything changing around me.

I am not who I used to be and that is what scares me most of all...

Even A Tea Pot Screams...

When it has had enough...

That is how I feel right now.

Like in this very moment.

I feel like I have had enough and I want to scream, only I am not going to scream, I am going withdraw completely. I am going to immerse myself so deeply within my writing, my proofreading, my beading, and getting physically fit that I will not know when the sun rises and when it sets. I will not notice when the seasons officially change, nor will I notice that I have not come up for a breath in so long, that when I do, my lungs will burn from the large amount of fresh air that I will finally have to inhale.

I want to say that it is my shoulders that feel weighted, but they are not. My head... My head is what feels so weighted lately. So damn heavy...

They say that the truth shall set you free, but what they forget to mention is that the truth is so painful. So utterly painful... And no matter how prepared you are to face it, you will never be the same afterward. Do you know that the sugary glaze that we see certain people with is also a lie? Did you know that those confection covered people are the ones that are more likely to hurt you the most? Well, if you did not know beforehand, now you do.

How much more can one take before their knees begin to buckle under the load that they are carrying around on the upper half of their body? It requires some amount of mental strength for a person to fight against the pain and continue to carry the load, but it requires everything in one mentally for a person to put that load down and walk away completely. That is who I want to be like one day...

In A Boat Without A Paddle...

Because no matter how much you want to row, you can't...

I have been working like a little worker bee on everything in my life that I want to see flourish, including myself, and yet, I still feel as if something is missing. Some piece to the enormous puzzle that lies at my feet is missing.

Have you ever tried to finish a project when you don't feel complete within? Like, there's this huge hole that appears within every once in awhile and I try to constantly fill it in order to be whole again. The only thing is that it's like a starving monster with an endless pit for a stomach, so feeding it never really does anything for its hunger.

Hmmm... It could be that monster represents how I feel about my success. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. 

I know I am being too hard on myself. I am always too hard on myself. No matter how accomplished I become, I still feel as though I am not accomplished at all. As if all of my hard work has been for nothing. I don't get it and I probably never will.  But then again, we are our own worst critic...

Once You Conquer Your Fear...

You ultimately conquer yourself...

Here, I sit, on New Year's Eve reflecting upon the year that is about to no longer be and more than anything right now, I am pleased to say that fear and I are no longer lovers.

If there is one thing that you haven't noticed about me, it's that for a long time, I have allowed my fear of the unknown to rule my life. It has ruled me in every aspect of my life. From my personal, to my professional, my marriage, my parenting, my relationship with others; you name it, fear ruled it. This past year though, fear took a back seat to change. I wanted to embrace change so much so that I had to dominate my fears; mind you, there were a lot.

I have come to realize as I sit prepared for the new year, calmly waiting on the new year for once in my life, that in order to embrace everything that you want in this life, you have to let go of fear. You have to conquer yourself and not allow fear to conquer you. For so long, I imagined what I wanted, what life could be if I just let go, but because I couldn't, my life didn't really go in the direction that I wanted it to. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in my life at the moment, it's just that it isn't consumed with my dreams and goals being my full time reality. I don't blame anyone but myself because we all know that you have to be the change you want to see. If I am not seeing the changes in my life that I want, then there is something that I am not doing to make it happen.

Lesson Learned...

Here, I sit, on New Year's Eve more prepared than ever for what the upcoming year brings. The challenges and the rewards. I see myself very successful and 2016 is going to see me very successful as well.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Everyone Wants To Be A Critic...

But no one wants to do the work...

So, can you guess what grinds my gears? Opinions do. But not just any opinions. Oh no, these are opinions pertaining to things that require ratings. Yes, I said ratings. Let me explain myself a little better so that you can understand exactly where it is that I am coming from.

I am a writer; no surprise there, right? As a writer, one has to learn how to be open to constructive criticism; maybe even develop a thick skin if you will. But what a lot of people don't know, especially those that aren't writers, is that negative reviews hurt. They literally can make or break a writer and I don't think people can understand that. We can have a thousand reviews, but it's that one negative review that haunts us.

I, myself, would rather not give any ratings or reviews before I give a negative one. I don't know, it's just a preference of mine. I do understand the need for reviews and ratings; they're there so that others may get a feel as to whether a book (or something else) is for them, but it's all of that extra verbiage that I find unnecessary. Why verbally attack a writer for a story that they took the time to write and share? Why put down a story that you found out wasn't quite your cup of tea. Okay, so it wasn't meant for you but does that mean that you have the right to run it into the ground?

As I come close to finishing my first novel, I think I'm slightly getting hung up on the review process. Granted, I'm not going to let that stop my progress but I may end up becoming one of those authors that are just not interested in reading negative reviews. I'm sure it doesn't help that I have yet to have a negative review about anything I've written thus far (knock on wood), so I wouldn't know how to deal with one if it were to actually come my way.

So much thought process and work goes into anything a writer writes (or a person creates for that matter) that anything said about a project becomes personal. I understand not all things are for everyone, but instead of hopping on items and being a Negative Nancy, maybe there are other ways to express the issues that one has while still maintaining some kind of compassion for the person who reads it.

I don't know. What I do know is that as much as I am ready to expand my reading audience, I'm not exactly ready for all that comes with it...