For I Was An Unbound Woman...

Even if only for a brief moment in time...

Saturday, was the day that I was a featured reader at the "May Open With Women Unbound".

When I initially thought about speaking at this event, I was completely calm about it. As time went on, I was still calm; it was only when it came down to the day of that I began to lose my nerve. Time that morning seemed to zoom by and nothing seemed to be going right for me. If I allowed myself even a second to believe that the events of the morning were a prelude to the events of that afternoon, then I would've completely lied to myself.

The event time was 2 PM, I arrived there at 2:04 PM. In my mind, I was terribly late but the women hosting the event (Lorraine Cipriano and Kayla M. Williams) let me know that I wasn't late at all. Their friendly smiles and welcoming demeanor allowed me to calm down and relax. A lot. After brief introductions between us and small chatter, I donated "The Growth of a Writer" to be given away in their raffle and set a few of each of my books on the table up front to be sold after the event.

Time ticked by and my anxiety eased down to a mere rapid heartbeat. As nervous as I felt, I was even more anxious to get up to that podium and share my words with the guests that had taken time out of their busy lives to attend the event as well. My mom, my sister (with infant son), and my daughter had accompanied me so I knew that if anything, I had not only my support system but a focal point when speaking to the crowd. As Kayla and Lorraine began speaking, I began watching the time. The more they spoke, the quicker my heart began to beat.

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

The time came when they began to introduce me to the room and as they wrapped up their introduction of me, I gulped in a deep breath, stood with pride, and walked up to the podium as if I owned the room. Well that's how I felt I did it anyway. I said a few words and then I read various poems from all three of my poetry books, stopping here and there to make mention of what might have inspired me to write a certain poem. I tried to maintain good eye contact with the entire room, but I know that there was a moment or two when I didn't look up at all. In those moments, I was relieving the reason that caused me to write the poem in the first place. Every emotion that was poured into the poem, came back and hit me in the chest like a 2 ton weight. I couldn't have looked up at the audience if I wanted to; my emotions were too raw. Once I was finished, I wrapped it up by thanking my audience and was asked a couple of questions before I returned to my seat to listen to the other featured readers share their words. Only then, did my breathing go back to normal.

The entire time that I was in front of the audience, I was completely nervous. I could feel myself doing things that I felt like the audience was focusing on, proving how nervous I was. I was bouncing from foot to foot and stumbling over words. Each time I stumbled over a word, I could feel the heat rise to my face as I corrected myself and moved on. What the audience couldn't see was the desperate grip that I had on my books and on the rare occasion, the podium. Mind you, NONE of this was mentioned to me afterwards, at all. Everyone that spoke to me said that I did well while I was up there and the feedback was nothing short of positive on my work.

Looong story short, I gained new fans that afternoon and a new appreciation for what I have set out to do. By the way, did I mention that they're going to try and get my books in the library? Yup, they are. I'm blessed to be able to do what I love to do and I'm thankful that I have never given up on my dream...


If you're interested in hearing/seeing me read, as well as a few other talented poets, here is the youtube link for that video: May Open With Women Unbound

It Is Only When You Want To Quit...

That your purpose shines through...

I don't know if I would really want to say that I was about to quit, but I can say that I certainly faltered recently.

In February, I went to a Black History Book Festival to sell my books and though I had a great time, as the days passed, I began to chicken out on going to my next event. This past Saturday was Artomatic419 in Downtown Toledo and while at the BHBF in February, I was invited to be a vendor for Afromatic at Artomatic419. Well, about three weeks ago, I decided that I no longer wanted to go; my nerves were just too shaky and I allowed fear to overcome me.

One night, in the first week of April, I happened to come across a FaceBook post that the organizer (Megan) had shared. After a bit of clicking around, I decided to search for a fellow author to see if she were still going. As I found her name, my eyes ended up landing on the name two beneath hers: Author La Kata E.K.! Needless to say that my decision had already been made for me...

Ultimately, though, I'm glad that I went ahead and went all the same. I sold a few books and passed out a lot of cards and whatnot; I even made a new connection because while I was there, I was approached and asked to be a "featured reader" at a future event by one of the event's co-founders! Naturally, I said "YES" without even caring if I had anything already on my schedule for that day!. Later on, I was approached by one of the gentlemen involved with the M.A.D.D. Poets Society (Nikyle D. Fitzgerald II) and was pretty much told that I was going to read one of my poems on stage later that afternoon. I had met him back at the BHBF  while I was being "socially awkward" and I'm sure he picked up on the fact that if he had asked me to read, I might've kindly declined so it only made sense to approach me differently this time. I suppose, anyway. It didn't bother me any because surprisingly to him when we crossed paths this time, I was a lot more self assured and certainly a lot less "socially awkward" and I'm pleased to say that I carried a strong presence when I went up on the stage and read "Lord, It's Me". 

All in all, I'm glad that I didn't allow my fear to overcome me and stop me from doing what I love doing the most. Though the path has been a long one, I'm glad that I continued to travel it...

Across The Hurdle Once You Jump...

The rest will be a casual jog...

My 31st birthday is in four days and it's funny because I haven't really given it a second thought. Compared to last year, my calm factor is off the charts! I can't explain to you what changed but I'm not going to complain either.

Throughout the entire first year of my thirties, I went through one heck of a mental ride. Everything that I was putting myself through was ultimately all psychological. The mind is a dangerous place, especially when you allow yourself to get trapped in there.

I'm proud to say, however, that once I confronted my demons, I was able to escape the labyrinth called my mind. I guess when you think about it, poisonous thoughts are tunnels that all connect to create a wall free maze. Once you start finding the antidote to each tunnel, then an opening appears leading you to the next tunnel; essentially guiding you towards the exit. It just depends on you, your patience, and your faith that determines whether or not you make it to the end in a timely enough fashion. Sometimes, it takes people a lot longer than others to get to the exit because they refuse to look themselves in the mirror and accept that they are their own reason for whatever has held them back.

I guess I decided that I just didn't want to be one of those people anymore...

Standing Still In Motion....

While everything around you never stops...

How can I describe this moment? If I had to use just two words, I would describe it as "simply magical."

A couple of weeks ago (I think it was March 1st), as I walked out of my home, it took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the sun reflecting off of the fresh fallen snow. As I took in my surroundings, I felt as if I were in a snow globe. There was just the right amount of sun peeking through the clouds, large snowflakes were steadily falling, bare trees that had just enough snow covering the branches, fluffy snow on the ground (the kind that is soft and doesn't stick), and the temperature was just right (that cold but not too cold kind of warm air). I could help but to stop and think to myself, "This is the beginning of something amazing."

Now, what that amazing something is you ask? I couldn't tell you if I tried, but I know in my core that I'm on the right path to greatness.

Greatness to each individual has multiple meanings but for me, greatness means just being the best me that I can be and doing all of the things that I possibly can to get to that point. Whether it be perfecting my talent as a writer, perfecting my craft as a jewelry maker, or bettering myself on other more personal levels, as long as I am working towards being all the me that I can be then I am on the path to greatness.

One cannot build a strong empire if their foundation isn't sturdy. Just saying...

Dark And Snowy Going In...

Sunny and bright coming out...

That's exactly what the weather was like when I went to be a vendor with my books at my first public event.

It was a local event that was hosted by a couple that's very active in the community and had I not been called out by the Mr. then I probably wouldn't have gone.

Because I was trying something new with handling my nerves, I was feeling calm and collected leading up to the day and even before I ventured out to the set location, I was still as cool as a cucumber. Though, the weather and the roads were becoming nasty with each rotation of my vehicle's wheels, I was still peachy keen. The moment I spotted the set location, I practically lost all nerve! I was shaking like a rattle snake's tail as I collected my box of books and headed into the building!

Thankfully, the Mr. and the Mrs. made it easy for me to relax. It's funny because that was our first actual personal encounter even though I've been Facebook friends with them for years! Anyway, though the event seemed small in numbers, it was large in meaning to me. This was the first time that I ventured off to sell my books to complete strangers. People that I've never seen before in my life. That meant that I also had to talk to them, engage them even. So yeah, it was pretty major to me.

At some point though, I was reminded about how socially awkward I have a tendency of being at times. Especially, when I get nervous. It was only when another poet approached me about "performing" for a group of youths that he works with/mentors that I was reminded of my embarrassing behavior. Long story short, I have to seriously make sure that my mouth clearly conveys the thoughts that are in my mind. Smh...

There was so much talent in one room and each person, in their own way, inspired me in ways that they will never truly understand. All in all, more than anything, I am grateful for the experience of it all...

Life Is Expected...

While death is not...

For some reason, we all expect to live. We expect longevity in our mortal years but in all actuality, we really should expect to die. Death is inevitable. It's actually more guaranteed than living is.

People always say to love those while you still can because you never know when they might leave, but I don't know about that anymore.

I love very few and for all others, I began a long time ago adjusting my emotional ties to them as if they were going to go at any moment. Does that mean that I'm nicer to these people? No. It means that I'm emotionally cut off from them. Why love you like you might go at any minute while you treat me as if I were already gone?

Ultimately, it's a defense mechanism. Though lonely in some aspects, the peace of mind that has come with it has been rewarding.

Not that long ago, I began severing familial ties and only recently did I finish the job. If someone were to ask me now compared to a few years ago about the size of my blood family, I would tell them that it's very small. Even though I have no intention to go into the details of the matter, know that it's for the best.

Life deals us some pretty unexpected blows and while living is expected, we have all been taught at one point or another to expect the unexpected.

Reconciliation of long buried relationships would be the unexpected for me...

Censorship Is The Enemy..

To a very close friend.

As I get older, I am finding that I hate to be censored. More or less told what it is that I can and cannot say. I find it even more annoying when it comes from people with loose lips of their own.

I do not like to exercise my thoughts freely if my thoughts are not sought, I've never been that way, but when thoughts are being shared then I might take that opportunity to share mine.

I am not one for complaints, at least not publicly anyway, but I simply do not like to be told what to do. I don't appreciate a person telling me what I can and cannot say, nor when I can and cannot say it. I am a writer and writing is a form of art which is a form of expression; therefore, I will express myself as I chose until that option is no longer available to me.

This post seemed a lot longer in my head. Hmmm....