It Is Only When You Want To Quit...

That your purpose shines through...

I don't know if I would really want to say that I was about to quit, but I can say that I certainly faltered recently.

In February, I went to a Black History Book Festival to sell my books and though I had a great time, as the days passed, I began to chicken out on going to my next event. This past Saturday was Artomatic419 in Downtown Toledo and while at the BHBF in February, I was invited to be a vendor for Afromatic at Artomatic419. Well, about three weeks ago, I decided that I no longer wanted to go; my nerves were just too shaky and I allowed fear to overcome me.

One night, in the first week of April, I happened to come across a FaceBook post that the organizer (Megan) had shared. After a bit of clicking around, I decided to search for a fellow author to see if she were still going. As I found her name, my eyes ended up landing on the name two beneath hers: Author La Kata E.K.! Needless to say that my decision had already been made for me...

Ultimately, though, I'm glad that I went ahead and went all the same. I sold a few books and passed out a lot of cards and whatnot; I even made a new connection because while I was there, I was approached and asked to be a "featured reader" at a future event by one of the event's co-founders! Naturally, I said "YES" without even caring if I had anything already on my schedule for that day!. Later on, I was approached by one of the gentlemen involved with the M.A.D.D. Poets Society (Nikyle D. Fitzgerald II) and was pretty much told that I was going to read one of my poems on stage later that afternoon. I had met him back at the BHBF  while I was being "socially awkward" and I'm sure he picked up on the fact that if he had asked me to read, I might've kindly declined so it only made sense to approach me differently this time. I suppose, anyway. It didn't bother me any because surprisingly to him when we crossed paths this time, I was a lot more self assured and certainly a lot less "socially awkward" and I'm pleased to say that I carried a strong presence when I went up on the stage and read "Lord, It's Me". 

All in all, I'm glad that I didn't allow my fear to overcome me and stop me from doing what I love doing the most. Though the path has been a long one, I'm glad that I continued to travel it...

Across The Hurdle Once You Jump...

The rest will be a casual jog...

My 31st birthday is in four days and it's funny because I haven't really given it a second thought. Compared to last year, my calm factor is off the charts! I can't explain to you what changed but I'm not going to complain either.

Throughout the entire first year of my thirties, I went through one heck of a mental ride. Everything that I was putting myself through was ultimately all psychological. The mind is a dangerous place, especially when you allow yourself to get trapped in there.

I'm proud to say, however, that once I confronted my demons, I was able to escape the labyrinth called my mind. I guess when you think about it, poisonous thoughts are tunnels that all connect to create a wall free maze. Once you start finding the antidote to each tunnel, then an opening appears leading you to the next tunnel; essentially guiding you towards the exit. It just depends on you, your patience, and your faith that determines whether or not you make it to the end in a timely enough fashion. Sometimes, it takes people a lot longer than others to get to the exit because they refuse to look themselves in the mirror and accept that they are their own reason for whatever has held them back.

I guess I decided that I just didn't want to be one of those people anymore...

Standing Still In Motion....

While everything around you never stops...

How can I describe this moment? If I had to use just two words, I would describe it as "simply magical."

A couple of weeks ago (I think it was March 1st), as I walked out of my home, it took a minute for my eyes to adjust to the sun reflecting off of the fresh fallen snow. As I took in my surroundings, I felt as if I were in a snow globe. There was just the right amount of sun peeking through the clouds, large snowflakes were steadily falling, bare trees that had just enough snow covering the branches, fluffy snow on the ground (the kind that is soft and doesn't stick), and the temperature was just right (that cold but not too cold kind of warm air). I could help but to stop and think to myself, "This is the beginning of something amazing."

Now, what that amazing something is you ask? I couldn't tell you if I tried, but I know in my core that I'm on the right path to greatness.

Greatness to each individual has multiple meanings but for me, greatness means just being the best me that I can be and doing all of the things that I possibly can to get to that point. Whether it be perfecting my talent as a writer, perfecting my craft as a jewelry maker, or bettering myself on other more personal levels, as long as I am working towards being all the me that I can be then I am on the path to greatness.

One cannot build a strong empire if their foundation isn't sturdy. Just saying...

Dark And Snowy Going In...

Sunny and bright coming out...

That's exactly what the weather was like when I went to be a vendor with my books at my first public event.

It was a local event that was hosted by a couple that's very active in the community and had I not been called out by the Mr. then I probably wouldn't have gone.

Because I was trying something new with handling my nerves, I was feeling calm and collected leading up to the day and even before I ventured out to the set location, I was still as cool as a cucumber. Though, the weather and the roads were becoming nasty with each rotation of my vehicle's wheels, I was still peachy keen. The moment I spotted the set location, I practically lost all nerve! I was shaking like a rattle snake's tail as I collected my box of books and headed into the building!

Thankfully, the Mr. and the Mrs. made it easy for me to relax. It's funny because that was our first actual personal encounter even though I've been Facebook friends with them for years! Anyway, though the event seemed small in numbers, it was large in meaning to me. This was the first time that I ventured off to sell my books to complete strangers. People that I've never seen before in my life. That meant that I also had to talk to them, engage them even. So yeah, it was pretty major to me.

At some point though, I was reminded about how socially awkward I have a tendency of being at times. Especially, when I get nervous. It was only when another poet approached me about "performing" for a group of youths that he works with/mentors that I was reminded of my embarrassing behavior. Long story short, I have to seriously make sure that my mouth clearly conveys the thoughts that are in my mind. Smh...

There was so much talent in one room and each person, in their own way, inspired me in ways that they will never truly understand. All in all, more than anything, I am grateful for the experience of it all...

Life Is Expected...

While death is not...

For some reason, we all expect to live. We expect longevity in our mortal years but in all actuality, we really should expect to die. Death is inevitable. It's actually more guaranteed than living is.

People always say to love those while you still can because you never know when they might leave, but I don't know about that anymore.

I love very few and for all others, I began a long time ago adjusting my emotional ties to them as if they were going to go at any moment. Does that mean that I'm nicer to these people? No. It means that I'm emotionally cut off from them. Why love you like you might go at any minute while you treat me as if I were already gone?

Ultimately, it's a defense mechanism. Though lonely in some aspects, the peace of mind that has come with it has been rewarding.

Not that long ago, I began severing familial ties and only recently did I finish the job. If someone were to ask me now compared to a few years ago about the size of my blood family, I would tell them that it's very small. Even though I have no intention to go into the details of the matter, know that it's for the best.

Life deals us some pretty unexpected blows and while living is expected, we have all been taught at one point or another to expect the unexpected.

Reconciliation of long buried relationships would be the unexpected for me...

Censorship Is The Enemy..

To a very close friend.

As I get older, I am finding that I hate to be censored. More or less told what it is that I can and cannot say. I find it even more annoying when it comes from people with loose lips of their own.

I do not like to exercise my thoughts freely if my thoughts are not sought, I've never been that way, but when thoughts are being shared then I might take that opportunity to share mine.

I am not one for complaints, at least not publicly anyway, but I simply do not like to be told what to do. I don't appreciate a person telling me what I can and cannot say, nor when I can and cannot say it. I am a writer and writing is a form of art which is a form of expression; therefore, I will express myself as I chose until that option is no longer available to me.

This post seemed a lot longer in my head. Hmmm....

Deja Who?

Deja vu...

Deja vu - the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before but I have deja vu. Often. It used to creep me out when it would happen, but now it fascinates and excites me. I guess because I am of the belief that if you are having deja vu often, then you are on the path that you were meant to be on in life.

Every now again, there would be times when I would ask aloud, "Am I on the right path?" Mainly because I felt as if I had somehow detoured off of the path that I was meant to be on, more or less, the path that I imagined that I should've been on. I found myself constantly wondering if I had taken a wrong turn somewhere.

For a long time, I felt lost. Aimlessly wondering with no sense of direction but when I finally took the time to stop and actually focus on the path that I was on, IT happened. Random dreams that made absolutely no sense. Snippets of moments that stood out in those dreams. It seemed as if they were coming out of no where; tied to nothing, but yet the glue to everything. Constant occurrences. Steady reassurance.

And that's when it hit me!

I've been on the right path the entire time, I just refused to accept it. I didn't want to believe that all of the pot holes were a part of the path that I was meant to be on. I didn't want to accept that the cracked asphalt and withered scenery came along with the territory. It was that lack of belief and acceptance that left me ignorant to my own being. Out of touch with my true self.

Only when I began to take my blinders off did I notice that what I sought the entire time, was as it always had been: under my feet....