Censorship Is The Enemy..

To a very close friend.

As I get older, I am finding that I hate to be censored. More or less told what it is that I can and cannot say. I find it even more annoying when it comes from people with loose lips of their own.

I do not like to exercise my thoughts freely if my thoughts are not sought, I've never been that way, but when thoughts are being shared then I might take that opportunity to share mine.

I am not one for complaints, at least not publicly anyway, but I simply do not like to be told what to do. I don't appreciate a person telling me what I can and cannot say, nor when I can and cannot say it. I am a writer and writing is a form of art which is a form of expression; therefore, I will express myself as I chose until that option is no longer available to me.

This post seemed a lot longer in my head. Hmmm....

Deja Who?

Deja vu...

Deja vu - the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before but I have deja vu. Often. It used to creep me out when it would happen, but now it fascinates and excites me. I guess because I am of the belief that if you are having deja vu often, then you are on the path that you were meant to be on in life.

Every now again, there would be times when I would ask aloud, "Am I on the right path?" Mainly because I felt as if I had somehow detoured off of the path that I was meant to be on, more or less, the path that I imagined that I should've been on. I found myself constantly wondering if I had taken a wrong turn somewhere.

For a long time, I felt lost. Aimlessly wondering with no sense of direction but when I finally took the time to stop and actually focus on the path that I was on, IT happened. Random dreams that made absolutely no sense. Snippets of moments that stood out in those dreams. It seemed as if they were coming out of no where; tied to nothing, but yet the glue to everything. Constant occurrences. Steady reassurance.

And that's when it hit me!

I've been on the right path the entire time, I just refused to accept it. I didn't want to believe that all of the pot holes were a part of the path that I was meant to be on. I didn't want to accept that the cracked asphalt and withered scenery came along with the territory. It was that lack of belief and acceptance that left me ignorant to my own being. Out of touch with my true self.

Only when I began to take my blinders off did I notice that what I sought the entire time, was as it always had been: under my feet....

When A Goal Turns Into A Dream...

And a dream becomes reality...

I am more focused than ever on my current project. I have a series of children's books that I plan to start releasing around late February into early March and I've never been more excited in my life! Actually, I'm equal parts excited and nervous all at the same time but still.

I've come to the realization that I feel all emotionally conflicted because what I'm doing is going to be the "thing" that changes my life. The moment that defines the very reason why God has blessed me with the talent to write.

For a long time, I felt that I was missing something as a writer. Like, that's who I am but there was something else that I was supposed to be writing about besides what I have been. Generally, I write poetry based on my emotions but it didn't seem like it was enough. I never felt fulfilled as a writer. So, I began working on a novel and even though there's a lot of potential there, for some reason it's hard to finish. I think  that's because I wasn't meant to be a novelist; lengthy stories with straight thoughts, for some reason, seem hard to put together. I'm not going to give up though, I'm going to finish this story and release it; might be the only story I write, but at least I can say that I wrote it.

Anyway, at some point in October last year, I suddenly came up with the idea to write children's books and the idea just felt right. As a poet, I've always looked up to Maya Angelou and Dr. Seuss. In my poetry, I feel that I have done Maya well by pouring my heart and soul and truth into my work, but I don't think I've really exhibited why I adore Dr. Seuss. You can't truly appreciate a Dr. Seuss rhyme scheme in an emotionally based poem; his work always came off as light and fun, not weighted and serious.

When I began writing the poems for these books, I found that when you write for children, you pretty much have to keep it light and fun. You can't help but to keep it light and fun and because of that, I'm stepping way out of my comfort zone. Even though I'm having a lot of fun doing so, anyone that knows me, knows that I love my comfort zone. Comfort zones though, don't make things happen and because I'm of the mindset of making things happen, I guess my comfort zone and I will have to see one another later.

Where was I going with this again? Oh, yeah, I remember now.

I've never been more excited about a literary project as I am about these children's books. These are definitely going to be a game changer for me and I can't wait! I get butterflies in my tummy and I want to giggle uncontrollably when I think about their release; about how people will receive them. A strong part of me feels as though they're going to be well received, but only time will tell. Until then, I'm going to keep writing and working. I will continue to patiently wait because my ship is coming in; I know because I can feel it...

Pack It Up And Move It Out...

Because it's almost time to usher in a new year!

Every year, as the year wraps up, I like to look back on the last twelve months and reflect.

Today is no different.

Looking back, I had quite an emotional year. As I reflect on it all, I can't help but to appreciate that it all led back to a better understanding of self. Understanding oneself allows for growth to happen. It's not an easy task, delving deep within your own being and confronting your demons, but it's something that I recommend everyone to do.

When you accept who you are, who you truly are, you are then able to move forward in correcting everything else that can be changed about you. Though, we may grow older and our outlook on life may change, our core self does not. Inside, deep within, we are who we have always been. It's just a matter of grasping even a little bit of that that makes all of the difference in the world.

Turning thirty, for me, was probably the best thing that could've happened. Granted, I stayed depressed more than I stayed happy, but that was because I was finally facing my demons. Battling all that makes me a flawed individual in my eyes. Was it easy? Hell no, it wasn't easy, but when has accepting you're not as perfect as you previously assumed ever been easy?

Part of the process in my self discovery was taking accountability for my part in all of my past (and present) decisions. It involved me looking back on my past and acknowledging that I was where I was in life because of the choices and moves that I made or had a part in making. Instead of being mad at so-and-so for something they did that might have effected me, I had to be mad at myself. Accepting that I had complete control of my part in every situation that I previously claimed I didn't, was a hard and huge pill to swallow. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Another part of the process in my self discovery was forgiving those that I felt wronged me; be it something they did in my mind or something that they actually did to wrong me. The art of forgiveness was something that I refused to even attempt prior to this year (I'm a grudge holding master) but in order for me to move forward with my journey, I had to truly open my mind to forgiving people. (Believe me, the list seemed endless...) To truly forgive a person, I also for the most part had to forget what it was they did to me to begin with. Though it wasn't easy, in the end, I was able forgive and forget. With that, I began to learn to let things go.

Letting things go is an important process in self discovery. Whether it be people, material things, or memories, at some point you have to let them go. For me, I let go of some of all of the previously listed. If there was a person (family, friend, or foe) that was toxic to me in one form or another, I let them go. If there were material things that I was hoarding that had no emotional value or functional use, I let them go. But most importantly, if there were memories that caused me mental or emotional distress of any kind, I let them go.

We can escape a lot of things, but we cannot escape our mind. Within the recesses of our mind resides every memory of every moment that we've ever had. Even when our subconscious blocks out a certain memory for whatever reason, it's always going to be right there. I'm not saying that letting go of a memory is easy, but in a sense, it can be done. You can desensitize yourself from whatever emotional affect that memory has on you and by doing so, you allow yourself to let it go.

Another part of the process in my self discovery was accepting that there really are things that are out of my control. Granted, there are a lot of things that we as individuals have control over, there are still some things that we don't. For the things that we don't have control over, we can control how it is that we respond to them.  I can't control the weather. I can't control traffic. I can't control how a person reacts to me. I can't control my daughter's mood swings. I can't even control the fact that my entire family consists of a bunch of nut jobs. HOWEVER, I can control how I respond to all of that. I can always control my reaction and sometimes how you react to a situation is all that matters. It can be the difference between chaos and complete mayhem.

I feel that even though I've come a long way in my self discovery, I'm not done yet. I honestly don't think a person will ever be done learning about who they really are; they just come a little closer to understanding who they are and their impact on the world around them. I feel that as long as you are living, you are learning and as long as you are learning, you are growing. True growth never stops until death...

Bad Habits Often Don't Die...

Very easily. Especially, any that I've ever had...

So, I am currently working on a series of books that are geared towards young children, particularly ages 2 to 5. I have been diligently working on this project for, hmm, maybe the last two months there about and I hope to begin releasing them early next year. The entire time I have been working on them, I have been thoroughly excited about them.

Until now.

I don't know what it is or why, but with this excitement, suddenly there's fear.

The few people that I have shared the project with have been giving me nothing but positive feedback. I have been told that my excitement and enthusiasm about this project is contagious. That this project is going to be HUGE for me, especially as a writer. Good stuff, huh? I thought so too, but it's those dang on flutters that I get in my tummy when I think about it that suddenly has me wanting to freak out!

It used to be that the flutters were a sign to me. A sign that this is going to be something major. It was a feeling that I've never really felt before about anything I've worked on. I mean like, yeah I would get excited about each publication, but this is a different excitement. This is a full on shudder excitement. The kind that leaves you light headed afterwards. That kind that leaves you speechless. Eyes glistening with wonder at just the thought kind of excitement. And I think because the excitement is so intense, it's beginning to take on the opposite affect.

Even though I know what's going on and why it's happening, it's still a battle to overcome. Anytime something major is on the cusp of happening in my life, I suddenly back away from it, never seeing its complete success. For some reason, I suddenly become extremely overwhelmed. I know how foolish that sounds and as embarrassed as I am to admit it, it's true. But I can't let that happen any longer. The difference between now and then, though, is that I'm not going to allow my fear of success run me away from seeing this project through. Run me away from seeing the entirety of my dreams become reality.

I want this and dammit, I'm going to get it!

Because This Is A Time For Thanks...

So I'm going to tell you EXACTLY what it is that I am thankful for...

First and foremost, I am thankful for the many, MANY blessings that God has bestowed upon me and for the many blessings that God will continue to bestow upon me. But this is not what this entry is about.

This entry is about the fact that on numerous times God has picked me up when I was completely down and for that, I am grateful.

Many times this year, there were moments that felt like my mind was in its darkest hour. When nothing in my life made me happy and everything felt like a burden. Where dreams no longer existed and nightmares were ever present. When being alone made more sense to me than being surrounded by people. Where suddenly I had no clue as to who I was or what I was meant to be. When running away from my demons felt more like a solution than staying and confronting them. Where I tortured myself mentally on numerous occasions over the paths that I chose not to take. When being depressed was easier than being happy. Where my own mind had become my personal hell...

Through out ALL of that, God protected me.

I'm not going to say that I was an easy person to protect because I know that I wasn't. I didn't have the kind of faith in myself that God had in me and that left me open for the devil. I was weak and the devil preys upon that...

I had to strengthen my relationship with God and that allowed me to build strength within myself. I also had to accept that every battle within my life is not my battle to fight; that I needed to have faith in God to handle them. I also learned that any battle that I do fight, I'm not fighting them alone. In all actuality, I had a lot of learning to do and a lot soul searching to do. And it's not over yet...

Basically, I am thankful that no matter how broken I seemed to be, God never allowed me to break...

When Opportunity Knocks...

Swing open the damn door and embrace it!!!

That's all there really is to say on that matter, honestly.

I feel like multiple times opportunity has knocked on something of mine; a door, a window, my head and I've either looked the other way or ignored the sound all together. Reflecting on where missed opportunities has gotten me in life, has made realize that I allowed my fear of the unknown to override my desire to see myself succeed.

People don't miss opportunities on accident, it's something that they do on purpose; something like a choice if you will. You can CHOOSE to answer when opportunity knocks OR you can CHOOSE to ignore it. Either way, the decision is yours and yours alone. No one can make the decision for you; they can advise on the matter but they can't decide on the matter, because that is something that you have to decide on for yourself.

The moment that you realize that you have missed an opportunity and want to get it back, you must then go out and make an opportunity happen. Put yourself in the position to create an opportunity for yourself. Find doors and then kick them open. Take the bull by the horns and ride it to the ground until their isn't any buck in it left. Take charge of your situation(s) and make it work for you.

Every opportunity presented in life is meant to bring you that much closer to your goal. To your dream. To happiness. It's up to you to embrace these opportunities. When you embrace the opportunities that life presents, it will minimize the negative reflective moments that you will have about your past.

Life = Opportunities. Opportunities = Dreams. Dreams = Happiness. Happiness = Life.

It's just that simple....