Even A Tea Pot Screams...

When it has had enough...

That is how I feel right now.

Like in this very moment.

I feel like I have had enough and I want to scream, only I am not going to scream, I am going withdraw completely. I am going to immerse myself so deeply within my writing, my proofreading, my beading, and getting physically fit that I will not know when the sun rises and when it sets. I will not notice when the seasons officially change, nor will I notice that I have not come up for a breath in so long, that when I do, my lungs will burn from the large amount of fresh air that I will finally have to inhale.

I want to say that it is my shoulders that feel weighted, but they are not. My head... My head is what feels so weighted lately. So damn heavy...

They say that the truth shall set you free, but what they forget to mention is that the truth is so painful. So utterly painful... And no matter how prepared you are to face it, you will never be the same afterward. Do you know that the sugary glaze that we see certain people with is also a lie? Did you know that those confection covered people are the ones that are more likely to hurt you the most? Well, if you did not know beforehand, now you do.

How much more can one take before their knees begin to buckle under the load that they are carrying around on the upper half of their body? It requires some amount of mental strength for a person to fight against the pain and continue to carry the load, but it requires everything in one mentally for a person to put that load down and walk away completely. That is who I want to be like one day...

In A Boat Without A Paddle...

Because no matter how much you want to row, you can't...

I have been working like a little worker bee on everything in my life that I want to see flourish, including myself, and yet, I still feel as if something is missing. Some piece to the enormous puzzle that lies at my feet is missing.

Have you ever tried to finish a project when you don't feel complete within? Like, there's this huge hole that appears within every once in awhile and I try to constantly fill it in order to be whole again. The only thing is that it's like a starving monster with an endless pit for a stomach, so feeding it never really does anything for its hunger.

Hmmm... It could be that monster represents how I feel about my success. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. 

I know I am being too hard on myself. I am always too hard on myself. No matter how accomplished I become, I still feel as though I am not accomplished at all. As if all of my hard work has been for nothing. I don't get it and I probably never will.  But then again, we are our own worst critic...

Once You Conquer Your Fear...

You ultimately conquer yourself...

Here, I sit, on New Year's Eve reflecting upon the year that is about to no longer be and more than anything right now, I am pleased to say that fear and I are no longer lovers.

If there is one thing that you haven't noticed about me, it's that for a long time, I have allowed my fear of the unknown to rule my life. It has ruled me in every aspect of my life. From my personal, to my professional, my marriage, my parenting, my relationship with others; you name it, fear ruled it. This past year though, fear took a back seat to change. I wanted to embrace change so much so that I had to dominate my fears; mind you, there were a lot.

I have come to realize as I sit prepared for the new year, calmly waiting on the new year for once in my life, that in order to embrace everything that you want in this life, you have to let go of fear. You have to conquer yourself and not allow fear to conquer you. For so long, I imagined what I wanted, what life could be if I just let go, but because I couldn't, my life didn't really go in the direction that I wanted it to. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong in my life at the moment, it's just that it isn't consumed with my dreams and goals being my full time reality. I don't blame anyone but myself because we all know that you have to be the change you want to see. If I am not seeing the changes in my life that I want, then there is something that I am not doing to make it happen.

Lesson Learned...

Here, I sit, on New Year's Eve more prepared than ever for what the upcoming year brings. The challenges and the rewards. I see myself very successful and 2016 is going to see me very successful as well.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Everyone Wants To Be A Critic...

But no one wants to do the work...

So, can you guess what grinds my gears? Opinions do. But not just any opinions. Oh no, these are opinions pertaining to things that require ratings. Yes, I said ratings. Let me explain myself a little better so that you can understand exactly where it is that I am coming from.

I am a writer; no surprise there, right? As a writer, one has to learn how to be open to constructive criticism; maybe even develop a thick skin if you will. But what a lot of people don't know, especially those that aren't writers, is that negative reviews hurt. They literally can make or break a writer and I don't think people can understand that. We can have a thousand reviews, but it's that one negative review that haunts us.

I, myself, would rather not give any ratings or reviews before I give a negative one. I don't know, it's just a preference of mine. I do understand the need for reviews and ratings; they're there so that others may get a feel as to whether a book (or something else) is for them, but it's all of that extra verbiage that I find unnecessary. Why verbally attack a writer for a story that they took the time to write and share? Why put down a story that you found out wasn't quite your cup of tea. Okay, so it wasn't meant for you but does that mean that you have the right to run it into the ground?

As I come close to finishing my first novel, I think I'm slightly getting hung up on the review process. Granted, I'm not going to let that stop my progress but I may end up becoming one of those authors that are just not interested in reading negative reviews. I'm sure it doesn't help that I have yet to have a negative review about anything I've written thus far (knock on wood), so I wouldn't know how to deal with one if it were to actually come my way.

So much thought process and work goes into anything a writer writes (or a person creates for that matter) that anything said about a project becomes personal. I understand not all things are for everyone, but instead of hopping on items and being a Negative Nancy, maybe there are other ways to express the issues that one has while still maintaining some kind of compassion for the person who reads it.

I don't know. What I do know is that as much as I am ready to expand my reading audience, I'm not exactly ready for all that comes with it...

Second Chances Aren't Given To All...

So do right by them if you happen to be chosen...

In this life, I'm sure many of us have wished that we possessed a "do over" button. Those of us have also stated that if we were ever given a second chance, we would do "whatever it was" differently. Not all of us are given a second chance, but there are a lucky few that are. 

Due to recent personal events, my sister and I have been stressing the lesson of second chances to our children. What a second chance means. What a second chance stands for. And what actions you are supposed to take if ever given one.

I feel as if a second chance is like another opportunity to right what you may have wronged in your life. It's like God (or the universe to others) is giving you a second chance at taking the correct path without having to worry about any of the hurdles that you had to jump over on your previous path. Like, even though you might have deliberately ignored all of the signs that you were given previously to halt the outcome of something going "wrong" in your life, you are still given the opportunity to fix it and start anew. In a sense, it's as if you get to become a new person while still being able to be the same person. A new way of thinking. A new perspective on life. Maybe even a new life. I mean, who wouldn't want an opportunity to experience that, right?

I cannot stress enough how blessed a person is to be able to receive a second chance of any sort in this lifetime. I know the times that I were given a second chance to do something differently, I did not squander the opportunity. Life is all about choices and hopefully, if our first choice isn't the best choice, then we are given the chance to choose again...

Not Everyone Worth Looking Up To...

Is located on the other side of a television set...

I just want to take a moment and say that I am so very proud of the many people that I went to school with that are steadily going after their dreams. Whether we were close friends, friends, acquaintances, or simply two people who passed one another in the hall on occasion, you have found a way to have a positive effect on my life.

You all are showing me that no matter the circumstances, the obstacles, or the amount of times you fail, a dream is always worth chasing. Time means nothing. Our ages mean even less. You are proving that it doesn't matter how old we become, as long as their is blood flowing through our veins and our bodies are able, IT CAN BE DONE!

There are times when some of us just need that reminder. When it seems like our dreams are moving further and further away instead of coming closer. When we need that little bit of inspiration to give us that extra push. I just want to let you know that it is in the those moments that I appreciate you all the most, because you all have inspired me in ways that you will never know or even begin to imagine.

I once said that I wished to inspire others one day the way that I have been inspired, but I was told by some of those that have inspired me, that I have inspired them as well. Wow... Who knew...

"Why be a dream chaser when you can be a dream catcher." - La Kata E.K.

We All Have A Ball And Chain...

That weighs us down tremendously. And sadly, that ball and chain is ourselves...

Saturday, during a M.A.D.D. meeting, one of the Women's Youth Directors shared her very personal story with the young women that were in attendance. I honestly don't think she realizes how much her story hit home for me.

First off, M.A.D.D stands for Making A Direct Difference. It is a nonprofit organization that empowers the development of youth in the community through self-expression. I have currently become a Women's Youth Director as well. So now that that is cleared up, let me continue on with that I was saying.

One of the things that was mentioned was that aside from not letting anyone bring us down, we have to remember to not allow ourselves to bring us down as well. No matter what it takes to get to our goal in life, the fact that we get there is all that matters. Some of us go straight for what it that we want out of life, while others, myself included, take the "long route." That "long route" is our minds allowing doubt and fear to get in the way of what it is that we want.

Growing up, I always wanted to write. Whether it was poems, short stories, novels, or songs; I just wanted to write. Now, that's exactly what I do. That's what I mainly do, but it wasn't always like that for me. I didn't solely focus on writing because I allowed my fear of the unknown, of negative feedback, to keep me from fully pursuing a career in a field in which I love.

Writing is a part of me, but reading is my passion.

For the last five years, I have been a proofreader. I was only a proofreader to one until late last year sometime and even then, I was scared. Like, seriously. I had previously doubted my ability to do my job well, even though, the person that I had proofread for hardly ever received reviews for proofreading errors. For some reason, I was just scared that I would fail. But that's another thing that the Women's Youth Director said; she said that "Yes, I have failed, but I did not quit." That, is what makes all of the difference. Though, I haven't failed, I have not quit either. Instead, I allowed myself to pick up more clients this year and I did so with pride. Humble, but proud. I know I am not the best proofreader out there, but I am good at what I do. To say that I am great would mean that I was completely perfect at it and I know full well that I am not at that point yet, but that doesn't mean that I am not trying to get there.

Basically, I'm tired of holding myself down and it's been a long time coming that I shook that ball and chain...