That I am a self saboteur...
I cannot recall what led me to that particular moment, but something heavy occurred me. Even though I am big on TAKING accountability for my actions, I had not been big on HOLDING myself accountable for those very actions. Projects, goals, and even parts of my personal life have unfortunately fallen victim to the destruction that I inflict when I am either on the cusp of success or in the middle of someone getting too close to me. I would be lying to you if I said that I knew why I self sabotage like I do, but the only thing I can think of is that it is tied to fear.
Ah, yes, fear.
The driving force behind a lot of things that cause people to not step out of their comfort zones and I, no matter how much I feel like I have changed, am no different.
I am afraid of failing, so at times, I refuse to embrace success. Even standing at success' door, I will often run away as soon as I hear the handle turn. Although I may know what is on the other side, I also know that with success comes failure and I am too hard on myself when I have failed at something I put my all into.
I am afraid of getting hurt, so I refuse to allow myself to get comfortable enough to ever let my guard down. The person could be someone I really like, but because where there is a beginning, there is an ending, I will find a reason to either push them away or walk away myself.
Geez.... That whole entire logic seems rather twisted as I sit here and type it out; and kind of embarrassing as well.
I honestly cannot sit here and type this and move forward doing the same things that I have been doing; I simply cannot and I will not. Like, how absolutely depressing is that? Knowing that you refuse to allow yourself to be better, or even to be happy, just because you do not like to be disappointed or hurt. Ultimately, you decided to embrace being afraid. Of change, no less because let's face it, that is exactly what it all boils down to.
So, here I am, once again, so afraid of change that I will self sabotage any, and everything, in order to remain completely complacent in my comfort zone and that is not okay! When did this happen and how do I make it stop?
Apparently, it seems as though I have some more soul searching to do...
