Here We Are, Once Again...

On the eve of a new year...

If you have read any of my past NYE entries, you will know that I generally like to reflect on the past year; this time is not any different. Everything about this past year as been a true blessing. Honestly, to be able to see a new year ring in is a blessing in and of itself. 

As I sit here, looking out of my bedroom window at the dreary weather while "Assassination Classroom" plays in the background, I ponder over the words to type here. I have so much to say, but so little at the same time. I find it rather interesting because as a writer, this year was the year that I struggled the most to articulate my thoughts. Honestly, looking back, writing was the only thing I struggled with.

For about six months or so, I did not write. At all. For whatever reason, I just simply could not. Each time I considered writing, my mind drew a blank. I could not write a poem nor could I work on the WIPs that required my attention. I would be lying if I said I knew why that was, however, I am still trying to figure it out so that it does not happen again next year.

As far as writing being the only thing I struggled with, it was. For the first time, in a long time, I had an amazing year. I am absolutely grateful for how my 40th year of life turned out; I could not have asked for a better introduction into my 40s. There were so many ups and an over abundance of smiles. Good vibes shared with some pretty awesome souls. There were also a couple of major milestones that were pretty positive as well, but above all else, I finally felt free... 

I cannot explain to you exactly what that means, but I know how it feels. It feels like I no longer have to hold my breath or squeeze my eyes shut. I no longer feel like I am trapped or completely lost in my own life. It feels like I finally have my footing and a clearer view of who I am and what I stand for and for that, I am extremely grateful...

I have been trying to find the words to wrap this post up, but none are sufficient. 2024 truly was an amazing year for me and I pray that 2025 will be even better! 

Happy New Year, My Luvs!

It Was Only Then That I Acknowledged...

That I am a self saboteur...

I cannot recall what led me to that particular moment, but something heavy occurred me. Even though I am big on TAKING accountability for my actions, I had not been big on HOLDING myself accountable for those very actions. Projects, goals, and even parts of my personal life have unfortunately fallen victim to the destruction that I inflict when I am either on the cusp of success or in the middle of someone getting too close to me. I would be lying to you if I said that I knew why I self sabotage like I do, but the only thing I can think of is that it is tied to fear.

Ah, yes, fear. 

The driving force behind a lot of things that cause people to not step out of their comfort zones and I, no matter how much I feel like I have changed, am no different. 

I am afraid of failing, so at times, I refuse to embrace success. Even standing at success' door, I will often run away as soon as I hear the handle turn. Although I may know what is on the other side, I also know that with success comes failure and I am too hard on myself when I have failed at something I put my all into. 

I am afraid of getting hurt, so I refuse to allow myself to get comfortable enough to ever let my guard down. The person could be someone I really like, but because where there is a beginning, there is an ending, I will find a reason to either push them away or walk away myself. 

Geez.... That whole entire logic seems rather twisted as I sit here and type it out; and kind of embarrassing as well. 

I honestly cannot sit here and type this and move forward doing the same things that I have been doing; I simply cannot and I will not. Like, how absolutely depressing is that? Knowing that you refuse to allow yourself to be better, or even to be happy, just because you do not like to be disappointed or hurt. Ultimately, you decided to embrace being afraid. Of change, no less because let's face it, that is exactly what it all boils down to. 

So, here I am, once again, so afraid of change that I will self sabotage any, and everything, in order to remain completely complacent in my comfort zone and that is not okay! When did this happen and how do I make it stop? 

Apparently, it seems as though I have some more soul searching to do...