It Was Only Then That I Acknowledged...

That I am a self saboteur...

I cannot recall what led me to that particular moment, but something heavy occurred me. Even though I am big on TAKING accountability for my actions, I had not been big on HOLDING myself accountable for those very actions. Projects, goals, and even parts of my personal life have unfortunately fallen victim to the destruction that I inflict when I am either on the cusp of success or in the middle of someone getting too close to me. I would be lying to you if I said that I knew why I self sabotage like I do, but the only thing I can think of is that it is tied to fear.

Ah, yes, fear. 

The driving force behind a lot of things that cause people to not step out of their comfort zones and I, no matter how much I feel like I have changed, am no different. 

I am afraid of failing, so at times, I refuse to embrace success. Even standing at success' door, I will often run away as soon as I hear the handle turn. Although I may know what is on the other side, I also know that with success comes failure and I am too hard on myself when I have failed at something I put my all into. 

I am afraid of getting hurt, so I refuse to allow myself to get comfortable enough to ever let my guard down. The person could be someone I really like, but because where there is a beginning, there is an ending, I will find a reason to either push them away or walk away myself. 

Geez.... That whole entire logic seems rather twisted as I sit here and type it out; and kind of embarrassing as well. 

I honestly cannot sit here and type this and move forward doing the same things that I have been doing; I simply cannot and I will not. Like, how absolutely depressing is that? Knowing that you refuse to allow yourself to be better, or even to be happy, just because you do not like to be disappointed or hurt. Ultimately, you decided to embrace being afraid. Of change, no less because let's face it, that is exactly what it all boils down to. 

So, here I am, once again, so afraid of change that I will self sabotage any, and everything, in order to remain completely complacent in my comfort zone and that is not okay! When did this happen and how do I make it stop? 

Apparently, it seems as though I have some more soul searching to do...

How Can One Properly Market...

When social media feels so daunting?

There used to be a time when I would happily log in to whatever social media account I had for my author side and interact with everyone. From fellow authors and writers to admiring fans and future readers; I would spend countless hours online socializing with them all. Most days, I could not wait to wake up and post what it was that I was working on, comment on what another was working on, or even ask the many questions that I always found myself thinking about as I fell asleep the night before. The more active I was, the more people engaged with my posts. 

There used to be a time... 

I cannot explain what changed from that time up to now, but I do know that I am not as active online as I once was. Hell, I am hardly active at all. 

I know that my lack of online presence is possibly hurting my chances of successfully getting my work out there since that is a huge form of marketing these days; however, that is just a risk I often find myself comfortable with taking. I think it is because it sometimes feels like a chore to be active vices just something to pass the time. It does not help that a lot of the algorithms require some kind of "cheat code" or "money dump" in order for your posts to be seen. 

It is no secret, to anyone, that the minute something you enjoy goes from being fun to being a chore, you find yourself no longer able to enjoy it. Clearly, I feel that that is the case with me. 

Understand, it is not that I am not familiar with Social Media Marketing. In fact, it is something I am rather skilled at. Over the years, I have taught myself the ins and outs of what works and what doesn't; read articles, downloaded books, paid attentions to trends, etc. With that knowledge, I know that my being active online plays a key role in getting future readers interested in my work, I just do not like the fact that there is so much more to it now than it was a few years ago.

Hmmm... 

Now that I think about it, I find it rather interesting that I, an extreme introvert, was ever that active on social media to begin with...

Grief Is Such An Interesting Emotion...

Especially when you are grieving someone that is very much alive...

It does not matter the individual that you are no longer in contact with, the memories are what always remain. Forever. And ever. Until they finally fade away; if they even fade away at all...

A few years ago, I walked away from someone who played a major role in my life. For over two decades, this person was in my life. A part of my life. Was my life. This person is still someone that crosses my mind every now and again; however, when they do, I often find myself angry at the weighted sadness that I feel in my chest over their absence. I say this mainly because their departure from my life involved some form of disrespect. 

Remember those boundaries I mentioned awhile back? Well, they crossed plenty of them.

Anyway...

Recently, it seemed as if memories of this person crossed my mind more than they have in quite some time. Like, fairly often compared to the "not at all" that was the last couple of years. As a result, I found that I was having trouble rationalizing my feelings of both sadness and anger at having these memories, so I saw my therapist about it (yes, I see a therapist and I strongly recommend it). During our last session, she told me that, "even though you no longer talk to someone, you will still go through a grieving process of losing them. Especially if it was someone that meant a lot to you." 

Hmmm...

There was plenty more said within that hour long session, but that specific bit right there is what hit me the hardest. In all honesty, I cannot say that I was pleased to hear that either. I was probably more annoyed than I should have been because why is my mind allowing to me think about anyone who I had to abruptly cut out of my life? Why do my eyes water at the sight of their pictures? Why does my chest ache at the memories? 

"Because you have to grieve what no longer is. It may take some time, but just like with death, you are going to grieve. The feeling of grief comes because of the death of something and this is no different..."

I hate it here....