There Is Much To Reflect On...

On the eve of the new year...

Every year, as the year comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on the past year; however, this year was different. I not only reflected on the past year, I reflected on the past ten years. Why? Because this is the last New Years Eve that I will celebrate in my thirties. 

Damn...

Reading that hit harder than I expected it to. I am excited about it, but still...

Anyway...

As I look back on the past ten years of my life, I look without regret. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned; that's life. People came and went, goals were made and achieved, memories were made and some forgotten; life happened. It's supposed to happen and if there is one lesson that I had to learn on repeat until I finally understood it (hell, it's almost repetitive in my posts), it's that change is going to happen. Whether we like it or not, fight it or not, it is going to happen. It took the last couple of years for me to realize that once I stopped fighting the changes, "going with the flow" flowed much easier for me.

It's funny because that's pretty much the lesson that 2023 drilled into me. From parenting to "dating" to when my job went on strike... Woooo, now that might have been the ultimate "go with the flow" lesson right there. Understand, I enjoyed being off for 47 days (only because I was off three days before the strike began), but not knowing when you will go back to work or whether you will have a job to go back to was extremely stressful. However, regardless of how we were portrayed on the news, I and many others made the most out of a stressful situation. I had never seen so much unity among my coworkers as I did during the days that we were on strike. (I miss those days.)

But I digress.

I look fondly back on the lesson that was drilled into me this year because that meant that I had to learn to accept not being in control. When I am not in control, I feel like my life is, in a way, out of control and that freaks me out.  However, once I accepted that not being in control wouldn't change the outcome of certain situations, I was able to relax, if that makes any sense. 

I also look back even further with appreciation for the lessons that I had to learn in the past ten years. I never imagined the experiences, emotions, trials, or tests that my thirties had for me, but I am thankful for them all. Nor can I imagine any of those things for my forties, but I welcome them with open arms and a learning mind. 

Tonight, I leave the last calendar year of my thirties and with it, all of my fears that held me back (and my gracious, were there many). As of midnight tonight, I will enter into my fortieth calendar year a stronger, wiser, and braver individual because I cannot fully accept change if I do not change as well...

When Something Calls Out For You...

 Eventually, you must answer...

That is how I feel about writing. 

This year, was a was not a kind year when it came to writing. I found myself with more writer's block about various topics than I have experienced in previous years. Ultimately, I chalk it up to my job and the mental stressors that came with it; which were quite a lot.

I love to write. Always have. Yet, multiple times throughout the last nine months, I found myself wondering if I had outgrown it. Wondering if it was something that I no longer felt "the need" to do. And you know what? The very thought scared the living shit out of me!

Why? Because the very foundation as to who I am as an individual is centered around the fact that writing is a part of who I am. It is what I do. It is what I am known for. IT IS ME...

When you know who and what you are, you can either embrace it or change it. I guess that is something that I will have to figure out as time goes on because I have not the slightest idea as to what I want to do when it comes to that side of me. 

To embrace or to change? That is the question.

Someone Grab A Shovel...

Because it's time to bury the past...

The past... A place where I no longer reside. A place that no longer holds me chained to memories and feelings that no longer suit me. A place that I walked away from when I realized it had the possibility to destroy my future.

I am no longer the same person that I was in the past; that person is dead and gone. Mourned for, but never forgotten. I mean, how can you forget someone who helped to shape you into the person that you are today? You don't.

The path to becoming who I am today was not an easy one. Frightenend by fear's whispers, I allowed myself to remain in a life that stifled all involved. Stagnant were the waters that should've bore bountiful nourishment. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 because it is. More often than not, people are okay with "living in the past" because it's "safe". Because it's "familiar". Never once taking into consideration how unhealthy such behavior actually is. Or the severity of the blowback the negative ramifications will have on any innocent bystanders. Nothing beautiful can grow within a garden suffocated by weeds... Or can it?

All the same, may a beautiful future flourish out of the soil where the past now resides...