And I am okay with my decision...
For so long, there was a time that I wanted to be an "active author" and I was.
I was blessed in 2017, throughout the entire year, to be just that and so much more. I felt the highs and the lows of being in the public eye, even if it was a small public. I even became "known"! I had a person actually fan girl over me and I wanted to cry! Not sad tears, but happy tears. Overjoyed tears. Tears of a kind of happiness that I have only dreamed about. I was becoming known among other authors as well. My peers. My equals. I was "one of them" and it felt fucking amazing.
But then, I woke up and I didn't want to live that life anymore.
I didn't want to be known or fan girled over. I didn't want to be an equal with anyone any more. I just wanted to be... Me...
An individual...
I didn't feel as though I stood out anymore for I was just one of many...
Plus, there is so much work that goes into that life and I was blessed to have a support system that helped me carry whatever load I had to carry, when I had to carry it. However, for me, that load was becoming more of a job, a hassle, than it should've been. Or, maybe, it was supposed to be that way, always be that way, but that is not what I wanted it to become to me. And from there, it became other things...
Competition... Because let's face it, the majority of the other authors kept spouting that it was a business and when I think business, I think "dog eat dog". Sadly, that's how many of the authors I crossed paths with behaved; as if there weren't like an endless amount of readers out there. But hey, what do I know?
Icky... Because practically no one trusts the other. Remember, we're supposed to be in competition with one another? Why would I share with you ANYTHING that I am writing about so that you can turn around and write about it yourself?
Exclusive... Because grown people still have a high school mindset. I never fit in in high school and I was okay with that. I was an individual and I wouldn't change it for the world, so it stands to reason that I am okay with that sort of behavior elsewhere in my life. However, watching other authors desperately try to be included reminded me of the very individuals I pitied in high school and I realized then that some things never change.
There are other things it became but I dare not list them for fear of this post being perceived as a negative one. For me, the ugly started to outshine the beautiful. The negative the
positive. And honestly, I just couldn't handle the dark cloud
anymore. I had to save myself before something that meant so much to me, that drove me in the direction that I have taken, became something utterly toxic.
Understand, I had a tremendous amount of positive experiences and I formed bonds with some absolutely amazing authors; some of which I actually had the pleasure of meeting in person! Those bonds I feel will be everlasting and I am grateful for that. My "active author" experience was more positive than negative but I live in a mental world where any negative at all, completely taints all that is positive.
I can't say that I am done forever, because no one knows what the future holds; however, I am done for now...
