Here We Are, Once Again...

On the eve of a new year...

If you have read any of my past NYE entries, you will know that I generally like to reflect on the past year; this time is not any different. Everything about this past year as been a true blessing. Honestly, to be able to see a new year ring in is a blessing in and of itself. 

As I sit here, looking out of my bedroom window at the dreary weather while "Assassination Classroom" plays in the background, I ponder over the words to type here. I have so much to say, but so little at the same time. I find it rather interesting because as a writer, this year was the year that I struggled the most to articulate my thoughts. Honestly, looking back, writing was the only thing I struggled with.

For about six months or so, I did not write. At all. For whatever reason, I just simply could not. Each time I considered writing, my mind drew a blank. I could not write a poem nor could I work on the WIPs that required my attention. I would be lying if I said I knew why that was, however, I am still trying to figure it out so that it does not happen again next year.

As far as writing being the only thing I struggled with, it was. For the first time, in a long time, I had an amazing year. I am absolutely grateful for how my 40th year of life turned out; I could not have asked for a better introduction into my 40s. There were so many ups and an over abundance of smiles. Good vibes shared with some pretty awesome souls. There were also a couple of major milestones that were pretty positive as well, but above all else, I finally felt free... 

I cannot explain to you exactly what that means, but I know how it feels. It feels like I no longer have to hold my breath or squeeze my eyes shut. I no longer feel like I am trapped or completely lost in my own life. It feels like I finally have my footing and a clearer view of who I am and what I stand for and for that, I am extremely grateful...

I have been trying to find the words to wrap this post up, but none are sufficient. 2024 truly was an amazing year for me and I pray that 2025 will be even better! 

Happy New Year, My Luvs!

It Was Only Then That I Acknowledged...

That I am a self saboteur...

I cannot recall what led me to that particular moment, but something heavy occurred me. Even though I am big on TAKING accountability for my actions, I had not been big on HOLDING myself accountable for those very actions. Projects, goals, and even parts of my personal life have unfortunately fallen victim to the destruction that I inflict when I am either on the cusp of success or in the middle of someone getting too close to me. I would be lying to you if I said that I knew why I self sabotage like I do, but the only thing I can think of is that it is tied to fear.

Ah, yes, fear. 

The driving force behind a lot of things that cause people to not step out of their comfort zones and I, no matter how much I feel like I have changed, am no different. 

I am afraid of failing, so at times, I refuse to embrace success. Even standing at success' door, I will often run away as soon as I hear the handle turn. Although I may know what is on the other side, I also know that with success comes failure and I am too hard on myself when I have failed at something I put my all into. 

I am afraid of getting hurt, so I refuse to allow myself to get comfortable enough to ever let my guard down. The person could be someone I really like, but because where there is a beginning, there is an ending, I will find a reason to either push them away or walk away myself. 

Geez.... That whole entire logic seems rather twisted as I sit here and type it out; and kind of embarrassing as well. 

I honestly cannot sit here and type this and move forward doing the same things that I have been doing; I simply cannot and I will not. Like, how absolutely depressing is that? Knowing that you refuse to allow yourself to be better, or even to be happy, just because you do not like to be disappointed or hurt. Ultimately, you decided to embrace being afraid. Of change, no less because let's face it, that is exactly what it all boils down to. 

So, here I am, once again, so afraid of change that I will self sabotage any, and everything, in order to remain completely complacent in my comfort zone and that is not okay! When did this happen and how do I make it stop? 

Apparently, it seems as though I have some more soul searching to do...

How Can One Properly Market...

When social media feels so daunting?

There used to be a time when I would happily log in to whatever social media account I had for my author side and interact with everyone. From fellow authors and writers to admiring fans and future readers; I would spend countless hours online socializing with them all. Most days, I could not wait to wake up and post what it was that I was working on, comment on what another was working on, or even ask the many questions that I always found myself thinking about as I fell asleep the night before. The more active I was, the more people engaged with my posts. 

There used to be a time... 

I cannot explain what changed from that time up to now, but I do know that I am not as active online as I once was. Hell, I am hardly active at all. 

I know that my lack of online presence is possibly hurting my chances of successfully getting my work out there since that is a huge form of marketing these days; however, that is just a risk I often find myself comfortable with taking. I think it is because it sometimes feels like a chore to be active vices just something to pass the time. It does not help that a lot of the algorithms require some kind of "cheat code" or "money dump" in order for your posts to be seen. 

It is no secret, to anyone, that the minute something you enjoy goes from being fun to being a chore, you find yourself no longer able to enjoy it. Clearly, I feel that that is the case with me. 

Understand, it is not that I am not familiar with Social Media Marketing. In fact, it is something I am rather skilled at. Over the years, I have taught myself the ins and outs of what works and what doesn't; read articles, downloaded books, paid attentions to trends, etc. With that knowledge, I know that my being active online plays a key role in getting future readers interested in my work, I just do not like the fact that there is so much more to it now than it was a few years ago.

Hmmm... 

Now that I think about it, I find it rather interesting that I, an extreme introvert, was ever that active on social media to begin with...

Grief Is Such An Interesting Emotion...

Especially when you are grieving someone that is very much alive...

It does not matter the individual that you are no longer in contact with, the memories are what always remain. Forever. And ever. Until they finally fade away; if they even fade away at all...

A few years ago, I walked away from someone who played a major role in my life. For over two decades, this person was in my life. A part of my life. Was my life. This person is still someone that crosses my mind every now and again; however, when they do, I often find myself angry at the weighted sadness that I feel in my chest over their absence. I say this mainly because their departure from my life involved some form of disrespect. 

Remember those boundaries I mentioned awhile back? Well, they crossed plenty of them.

Anyway...

Recently, it seemed as if memories of this person crossed my mind more than they have in quite some time. Like, fairly often compared to the "not at all" that was the last couple of years. As a result, I found that I was having trouble rationalizing my feelings of both sadness and anger at having these memories, so I saw my therapist about it (yes, I see a therapist and I strongly recommend it). During our last session, she told me that, "even though you no longer talk to someone, you will still go through a grieving process of losing them. Especially if it was someone that meant a lot to you." 

Hmmm...

There was plenty more said within that hour long session, but that specific bit right there is what hit me the hardest. In all honesty, I cannot say that I was pleased to hear that either. I was probably more annoyed than I should have been because why is my mind allowing to me think about anyone who I had to abruptly cut out of my life? Why do my eyes water at the sight of their pictures? Why does my chest ache at the memories? 

"Because you have to grieve what no longer is. It may take some time, but just like with death, you are going to grieve. The feeling of grief comes because of the death of something and this is no different..."

I hate it here....

There Is Much To Reflect On...

On the eve of the new year...

Every year, as the year comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on the past year; however, this year was different. I not only reflected on the past year, I reflected on the past ten years. Why? Because this is the last New Years Eve that I will celebrate in my thirties. 

Damn...

Reading that hit harder than I expected it to. I am excited about it, but still...

Anyway...

As I look back on the past ten years of my life, I look without regret. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned; that's life. People came and went, goals were made and achieved, memories were made and some forgotten; life happened. It's supposed to happen and if there is one lesson that I had to learn on repeat until I finally understood it (hell, it's almost repetitive in my posts), it's that change is going to happen. Whether we like it or not, fight it or not, it is going to happen. It took the last couple of years for me to realize that once I stopped fighting the changes, "going with the flow" flowed much easier for me.

It's funny because that's pretty much the lesson that 2023 drilled into me. From parenting to "dating" to when my job went on strike... Woooo, now that might have been the ultimate "go with the flow" lesson right there. Understand, I enjoyed being off for 47 days (only because I was off three days before the strike began), but not knowing when you will go back to work or whether you will have a job to go back to was extremely stressful. However, regardless of how we were portrayed on the news, I and many others made the most out of a stressful situation. I had never seen so much unity among my coworkers as I did during the days that we were on strike. (I miss those days.)

But I digress.

I look fondly back on the lesson that was drilled into me this year because that meant that I had to learn to accept not being in control. When I am not in control, I feel like my life is, in a way, out of control and that freaks me out.  However, once I accepted that not being in control wouldn't change the outcome of certain situations, I was able to relax, if that makes any sense. 

I also look back even further with appreciation for the lessons that I had to learn in the past ten years. I never imagined the experiences, emotions, trials, or tests that my thirties had for me, but I am thankful for them all. Nor can I imagine any of those things for my forties, but I welcome them with open arms and a learning mind. 

Tonight, I leave the last calendar year of my thirties and with it, all of my fears that held me back (and my gracious, were there many). As of midnight tonight, I will enter into my fortieth calendar year a stronger, wiser, and braver individual because I cannot fully accept change if I do not change as well...

When Something Calls Out For You...

 Eventually, you must answer...

That is how I feel about writing. 

This year, was a was not a kind year when it came to writing. I found myself with more writer's block about various topics than I have experienced in previous years. Ultimately, I chalk it up to my job and the mental stressors that came with it; which were quite a lot.

I love to write. Always have. Yet, multiple times throughout the last nine months, I found myself wondering if I had outgrown it. Wondering if it was something that I no longer felt "the need" to do. And you know what? The very thought scared the living shit out of me!

Why? Because the very foundation as to who I am as an individual is centered around the fact that writing is a part of who I am. It is what I do. It is what I am known for. IT IS ME...

When you know who and what you are, you can either embrace it or change it. I guess that is something that I will have to figure out as time goes on because I have not the slightest idea as to what I want to do when it comes to that side of me. 

To embrace or to change? That is the question.

Someone Grab A Shovel...

Because it's time to bury the past...

The past... A place where I no longer reside. A place that no longer holds me chained to memories and feelings that no longer suit me. A place that I walked away from when I realized it had the possibility to destroy my future.

I am no longer the same person that I was in the past; that person is dead and gone. Mourned for, but never forgotten. I mean, how can you forget someone who helped to shape you into the person that you are today? You don't.

The path to becoming who I am today was not an easy one. Frightenend by fear's whispers, I allowed myself to remain in a life that stifled all involved. Stagnant were the waters that should've bore bountiful nourishment. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 because it is. More often than not, people are okay with "living in the past" because it's "safe". Because it's "familiar". Never once taking into consideration how unhealthy such behavior actually is. Or the severity of the blowback the negative ramifications will have on any innocent bystanders. Nothing beautiful can grow within a garden suffocated by weeds... Or can it?

All the same, may a beautiful future flourish out of the soil where the past now resides...