Wednesday, May 16, 2012

No Truer Words Have Been Spoken...

Than the ones that I read right here:

"When we can no longer change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves." - Viktor Frankl

Everything that has happened to me in the last couple of months were a series of events that at one point could have been avoided, but when that point passed, then it was up to me to look within myself and find a strength that I didn't realize was there.

Multiple times I felt like my world was crumbling down around me. Continuously, I wanted to give up. No longer looking at waking moments as blessings but as burdens. My will and strength were starting to collapse and there was nothing that I was willing to do about it. That's when it hit me; how can I claim to be so strong in my faith but yet I'm willing to throw the towel in when the load became too much for me to bare? It was then that I realized that because I couldn't change the situation, that I had to change myself and with that, I "gave up".

"Giving up" doesn't make you weak, it shows that you were strong enough (especially in your faith) to "Let Go and Let God". - La Kata E.K.

I always feel that when you change your outlook on a situation then the situation changes, yet somehow I allowed the situation to change me; therefore, changing my outlook on everything. I'm not proud of where my thoughts were leading me and I admit that it wasn't one of my finer moments, but I can promise that it will not happen again.

It's strange though, that throughout it all, I couldn't collect my thoughts well enough to express my emotions through my writing. It worries me that I am becoming more guarded than I usually am and especially against myself. I mean, is that even possible? I don't know, but I need to find my mental middle ground so that I can do the one thing that's always been a guarantee to make me feel better...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

A Blue Pen Comes From A Depressed Soul

And it's true. I have had an interesting couple of months and though I'm still here, it hasn't been easy.

Everything that could go wrong, has. As much as I want to write about EVERYTHING going on in my life, I can't. More or less, I won't. All the anger that I've been feeling and the sadness that has consumed me, isn't something that I'm comfortable sharing with myself, let alone the world. (Chuckles) Imagine that, words that I won't share with others. Yes, it's that bad...

I can't even think right now because my mind isn't clear enough to articulate my thoughts. How crazy is that.?! I'm trembling as I am typing because even this admission is too much exposure for me, but I want to get some of this out. So if I'm not going to write about it as a poem, then I will write about it in my blog.

I love to write. Writing is my form of therapy and sometimes I feel that I abuse it. But then, could it be that it is my drug? Does it make sense that I am more addicted to writing than one can be to an alcoholic beverage or an illegal substance? I don't know, but if that is possible, then I am. However, I don't know of any help groups for my addiction.

It seems as though I am just rambling, but again, I cannot seem to articulate a straight thought. As much as I don't want to write about everything that is going on, it appears to me (after reading this entry) that I'm going to have to. That is probably the only way that I will maintain my sanity and make it through this "phase" in my life.

Just another hurdle, another test...